Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

[Anonymous]

Well honey, here is what I did. My ex DH had a 1.5 year affair. I was very trusting... I had no idea. We were married 14 years, 2 small kids.

I collected evidence of the affair. Screenshots of her double chin and cold sore. Their loving little text messages. Their secret vacations they planned right after Christmas. I blew both their asses up on facebook. Surprise!

I had already consulted a lawyer. I kicked him out. He moved into a shitty apartment. His true love was banging other guys they worked with (surprise! not). So their love story did not endure the harsh realities of real life.

I have been divorced for a year now. The kids have handled it like champs. It's hard. But they have two loving, if separate, parents. I have a good career going. I bought myself a nice house. I save more money than ex ever let me. I save it in a college fund for our kids. I have a nice boyfriend. A normal human, who treats me respectfully. We see eachother enough to enjoy it, but not too much. I like my space. I like my house. I like my life. And I will NEVER get married again.

You will survive this. Its horrifically painful to be betrayed like this. But you will make it. Many virtual hugs to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Curious about the other woman too...

She most certainly is fatter and uglier than OP. They always are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

This. It also depends on how often they saw each other and were in contact.

If it was once a month and not even every month that’s different. Were they in public?

My spouse had an affair that was sex 1-2 times and not every month. They would also have several months in a row where they didn’t see each other at all.

He would never be seen with her in public. Not somebody he ever saw a future with or would want as a girlfriend/wife.

It’s crazy they can compartmentalize.

You don’t need to make any decisions yet. Individual therapy for both of you first.

My DH had the same situation and we got through it but it still stings. We had issues in our relationship so I understand why he cheated but I don't condone it.

"Issues in the marriage "don't cause cheating, the cheater's poor ability to negotiate conflict, and be open about his choices does. Just like with physical abuse, there is literally NOTHING that justifies or "causes" cheating.

This is like saying, "he was angry about something I did, so I understand why he hit me." When you say, "I can understand why he cheated," you are also normalizing the behavior.

People who lie about cheating are just manipulating the victim spouse so that they can do what they want and still also have the benefits of a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Curious about the other woman too...

She most certainly is fatter and uglier than OP. They always are.

Ain’t that the truth. Low-life scum

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry op.. no advice here except take time and take care of yourself. I am really sorry his deficiencies are causing you so much grief. It sucks. You will get through this though.hugs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After 3 yrs that was his girlfriend.

Maybe but rarely. Even unmarried guys will "hide" a girlfriend for a long period. Some people will just never be a girlfriend. There is something about them that "can't be shown".

Men pick very different APs than they do girlfriends. A girlfriend you love and want to show off, an AP is convenient and disposable.

But that is not your business OP the AP could have been any disposable person, this specific one is irrelevant.

This. It also depends on how often they saw each other and were in contact.

If it was once a month and not even every month that’s different. Were they in public?

My spouse had an affair that was sex 1-2 times and not every month. They would also have several months in a row where they didn’t see each other at all.

He would never be seen with her in public. Not somebody he ever saw a future with or would want as a girlfriend/wife.

It’s crazy they can compartmentalize.

You don’t need to make any decisions yet. Individual therapy for both of you first.

My DH had the same situation and we got through it but it still stings. We had issues in our relationship so I understand why he cheated but I don't condone it.

"Issues in the marriage "don't cause cheating, the cheater's poor ability to negotiate conflict, and be open about his choices does. Just like with physical abuse, there is literally NOTHING that justifies or "causes" cheating.

This is like saying, "he was angry about something I did, so I understand why he hit me." When you say, "I can understand why he cheated," you are also normalizing the behavior.

People who lie about cheating are just manipulating the victim spouse so that they can do what they want and still also have the benefits of a relationship.

Well, I sort of agree with you that the cheater has to own their actions but if you deny your spouse intimacy and sex and you don't see your role, you will also make the same mistake and get cheated on in your next relationship.

Op, do whatever is best for you, and take your time deciding.

[Anonymous]

People want you to divorce because it sends a signal to wayward spouses that THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES

But really, only you can decide if what he brings is worth him being unfaithful

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Stepped away and I appreciate you all giving me advice. In brief, we had what I thought was a healthy sex life (3-4x a week). He did not confess...the sister of the AP called me to tell me to keep DH away from the sister as it was ruining her life. I work and make a decent salary. I am in a tail spin and trying to keep it together for DCs. I would have told you just a bit ago that DH was awesome...devoted Dad and DH.

Oh wow. I’m so, so sorry. That is devastating.

I think this is too big. I was a pp saying give it a chance, but I thought he confessed. I thought he was the one that ended the relationship. thought he felt remorse and confessed.

How old was the woman? Was she married? It’s crazy the sister had to intervene.

Please take care of yourself. The trauma from this is no joke.

Hugs. It is particularly mind blowing when you had a great/active sex life, a good marriage and family life. I had to almost slap myself every morning for the first 3 months to snap myself back into the new reality...he wasn’t who I thought he was. You give half your life and it’s like finding out he was a Russian spy or something. It is a mind f@ck. Makes you question everything. It does a number on you trusting yourself.

Here’s the thing: they were that good at lying and deceiving. Truly. And it was about them in these type of good marriages. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Sometimes there really are zero signs.

And right after this post was yet another poster talking about sexless marriages justifying it.

OP was having sex 3-4 times per week! I was too- at 22 years of marriage. That’s not the reason most men cheat.

[Anonymous]

Well, I sort of agree with you that the cheater has to own their actions but if you deny your spouse intimacy and sex and you don't see your role, you will also make the same mistake and get cheated on in your next relationship.

I totally disagree. Your argument that cheating is the result of a sexless marriage is just wrong. A spouse that can’t accept a sexless marriage (totally understandable) can be adult, talk about it and leave the marriage if things don’t change, then can start dating. Lots less trauma for everyone, including the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Affair. I don’t have all the details but he has confessed it was highly sexual. Married 15 years, two kids.

Honey, I am so sorry this is happening to you. Take very good care of yourself right now.

I will give you some advice from someone who has been where you are.

Your focus right now is all wrong. You cannot at this time think "whether it is possible to get over the affair."

#1, your DH has to ask you to forgive him and stay with him. Has he?

#2, he has to believe - even if it is not true - but he absolutely has to believe that you will leave him.

#3, if you have only just found out, the only appropriate response to this is shock and offer to divorce amicably with ample time to see the children. You cannot spend too much time crying, asking what happened, especially what YOU did wrong (nothing)...it has to be like this. "I am shocked and stricken you have done this. Let us divorce without too much acrimony and I promise you we will divide assets and time with children fairly."

Then, stand back and see what he says. This is his cue to beg you for forgiveness because they usually do. Your DH has been hiding his affair, which means he did not want you to know, which means he does not want to divorce. He has to realize what he wants is escaping him, that his whole life is crumbling.

When he does, say you don't know. You need to think.

Then, you must create distance between you two. Move into a different room, or have him move. Talk to him only as much as you need to for logistics and parenting. Give yourself time and space. You are going to go through emotional hell like a pendulum swinging back and forth to many different emotions. Right now you must not, you cannot make any long term decisions. You are not fit to do that. You must first process this until you are somewhat clear-headed. This can easily take months.

During that time, do not have much contact with your husband. Stay apart and aloof. Really try to visualize his life without him. He will do the same.

If after that time you decide you would rather stay married, observe your husband. Does he continue to be remorseful? Is he begging for forgiveness? Is he changing things that have bothered you? And most importantly, has he cut contact with the other woman?

At this point, you can see what you want to do.

Again , I'm so sorry this is happening to you. The important thing right now is to let this shockwave run through you and do not be hurried into anything. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I’m not trying to stir things up or troll, but if one partner is completely checked out sexually, is sex outside of marriage really that much of an issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to stir things up or troll, but if one partner is completely checked out sexually, is sex outside of marriage really that much of an issue?

Read the thread. OP said sex 3-4x a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to stir things up or troll, but if one partner is completely checked out sexually, is sex outside of marriage really that much of an issue?

Start your own thread or read one of the thousands on that topic already. That was not the case for OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to stir things up or troll, but if one partner is completely checked out sexually, is sex outside of marriage really that much of an issue?

Start your own thread or read one of the thousands on that topic already. That was not the case for OP.

It’s so interesting that people want to blame the victim spouse and elevate the cheater so badly that they will completely ignore or make up facts.