Do you spank your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

I'm like a moth at a flame. The idea that a parent would hug and kiss afterwards is emotional abuse. That is what controlling abuse looks like in adult relationships. At least mine (thank you parents!) would leave immediately because I remember wanting to hit my mom back. I remember my brother crying hysterically in frustration and humiliation. If they had tried to hug us I would have had to go into the bathroom and hurl or take a shower.

Oh. This is the kind of discipline my parents used, and I in no way felt as you did. Everyone's different, I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this?

Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not.

Can I ask your demographic information? Really just curious. Ages? race? religion or not? where you grew up, where you live?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

I'm like a moth at a flame. The idea that a parent would hug and kiss afterwards is emotional abuse. That is what controlling abuse looks like in adult relationships. At least mine (thank you parents!) would leave immediately because I remember wanting to hit my mom back. I remember my brother crying hysterically in frustration and humiliation. If they had tried to hug us I would have had to go into the bathroom and hurl or take a shower.

Oh. This is the kind of discipline my parents used, and I in no way felt as you did. Everyone's different, I guess.

same here (np)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this?

Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not.

Can I ask your demographic information? Really just curious. Ages? race? religion or not? where you grew up, where you live?

Late 30s, white, loosely Catholic, grew up in suburbs of Boston, live in NoVa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this?

Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not.

Can I ask your demographic information? Really just curious. Ages? race? religion or not? where you grew up, where you live?

Late 30s, white, loosely Catholic, grew up in suburbs of Boston, live in NoVa.

Do you know a lot of other parents who do this and mention it, or is it just something that people keep quiet about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this?

Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not.

Can I ask your demographic information? Really just curious. Ages? race? religion or not? where you grew up, where you live?

Late 30s, white, loosely Catholic, grew up in suburbs of Boston, live in NoVa.

Do you know a lot of other parents who do this and mention it, or is it just something that people keep quiet about?

I'm sure there are others who do it, but this isn't really the kind of thing that comes up in conversation..

[Anonymous]

If you only use spanking as a form of discipline, yes, it only works in the short term. You won't see long term changes in behavior.

Do those studies look at whether spankings are used very rarely as punishments, and for the most part, other forms of non corporal punishments are used?

And as PPs have said, children model other people's behavior but you don't expect them to model all behavior, otherwise, you wouldn't drink a glass of wine in front of them for fear that they'd actually get a glass of wine to drink as part of their pretend play. And you also wouldn't want to put your kids in time outs, take away a privilege, etc.. for fear that they will do that to other kids when they don't like something the other kid did. This kind of comparison is really silly.

I work from home and am in front of my laptop a lot. My kids see this. Do I want them to model this behavior - looking at their laptops all day? No. I tell them this is part of my job, but not their's. Silly to say that we expect our kids to model everything we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this?

Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not.

Can I ask your demographic information? Really just curious. Ages? race? religion or not? where you grew up, where you live?

Late 30s, white, loosely Catholic, grew up in suburbs of Boston, live in NoVa.

Do you know a lot of other parents who do this and mention it, or is it just something that people keep quiet about?

I'm sure there are others who do it, but this isn't really the kind of thing that comes up in conversation..

NP. Agreed for many. OTOH, I've met a number of parents who are fairly open about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you only use spanking as a form of discipline, yes, it only works in the short term. You won't see long term changes in behavior.

Do those studies look at whether spankings are used very rarely as punishments, and for the most part, other forms of non corporal punishments are used?

And as PPs have said, children model other people's behavior but you don't expect them to model all behavior, otherwise, you wouldn't drink a glass of wine in front of them for fear that they'd actually get a glass of wine to drink as part of their pretend play. And you also wouldn't want to put your kids in time outs, take away a privilege, etc.. for fear that they will do that to other kids when they don't like something the other kid did. This kind of comparison is really silly.

I work from home and am in front of my laptop a lot. My kids see this. Do I want them to model this behavior - looking at their laptops all day? No. I tell them this is part of my job, but not their's. Silly to say that we expect our kids to model everything we do.

+1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.

It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal.

The hugs and kisses and telling the kid how much you love him after you hit him sets up a really weird sexual dynamic. Creepy to the max.

[Anonymous]

So is there a DCUM consensus that hitting kids is ok? I am shocked by this thread - seriously. Hitting your kid is wrong, I don't care how you justify it to yourself. There are many many other ways to discipline. And to hit your kid and then say you love them is conditional parenting. Try unconditional parenting. I love you when you're good, when you're bad, whenever, no conditions.

Announcing how we plan to punish children (“Remember: if you do x, then I’ll do y to you”) may salve our conscience because we gave them fair warning, but all we’ve really done is threaten them. We’ve told them in advance exactly how we’ll make them suffer if they fail to obey. This communicates a message of distrust (“I don’t think you’ll do the right thing without the fear of punishment”), leads kids to think of themselves as complying for extrinsic reasons, and emphasizes their powerlessness.

[Anonymous]

Or else spanking may simply teach that love is necessarily conditional, that it lasts only for as long as people do exactly what you want.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/punishment.htm

[Anonymous]

I am also shocked that this is happening in 2015. I was spanked as a child and, just like our parents smoked and drank while pregnant and no one wore seatbelts, I assume it was because these were uneducated people that didn't know any better. I cannot believe that anyone thinks this is ok and ESPECIALLY do it in such a sick, sadistic way as laying them over your lap and hugging and kissing them afterward. Dear Lord! No wonder people are in abusive relationships as adults!

[Anonymous]

I get anxiety just reading a lot of these post. Particular those that talk about how they talk to the children first then spank them, followed up by demonstrations of affection. I can't imagine how a kid must feel. The anticipation of pain, having to be an active participant in what I can only describe as a farce....it just sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get anxiety just reading a lot of these post. Particular those that talk about how they talk to the children first then spank them, followed up by demonstrations of affection. I can't imagine how a kid must feel. The anticipation of pain, having to be an active participant in what I can only describe as a farce....it just sounds awful.

Active participant?