Do you spank your kids?
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Anonymous
No, it's just an interesting conversation. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
It's just an argument that they resort to because they think the associations have emotional appeal, even if they don't stand up to logical scrutiny. "Oh, VIOLENCE!, HITTING!, PAIN!" |
Anonymous
OK fine, since you equate a reprimand with pain... Reprimand = emotional pain Spanking = emotional pain + physical pain So total pain: spanking > reprimand |
Anonymous
See, on this I disagree, because, as I remember from childhood, with a spanking, it's like you paid the price and now the slate is wiped clean. The times when I didn't get spanked (but really should have, honestly) were much worse in terms of guilt and emotional distress. |
Anonymous
That's exactly what spousal abusers say. "I didn't want to hit you, but you made me because of your bad behavior." |
Anonymous
np. Can we stop with the illogical analogies to spousal relationships? they've been proven a fallacy many times already. If your DH put you in timeout, that would also constitute an abusive relationship. |
Anonymous
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I think the key is removing the emotion and anger from the spanking. There are a few things that are automatic spankings in our house- lying, disobeying, putting yourself or others in danger and being directly defiant. We're not just smacking kids whenever we feel like it - I think that's where the issue comes in. I always send the child to his/her room before being spanked so we can both cool down. THEN I or my husband goes in there and we have a matter of fact discussion about what went wrong, and why they are getting a spanking. We do do the over the lap style (or one son would rather lean over the bed)..one swat for each year the child is old. Afterwards the kid tell us what he learned and how he'll do better next time. Of course, hugs and kisses and we always tell the child how much we love them and how we know they can do better next time.
It's a teaching moment. We move on, the slate is wiped clean, and it's no big deal. |
Anonymous
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HITTING DOES NOT IMPROVE BEHAVIOR
Many times we have heard parents say, “The more we spank the more he misbehaves.” Spanking makes a child’s behavior worse, not better. Here’s why. Remember the basis for promoting desirable behavior: The child who feels right acts right. Spanking undermines this principle. A child who is hit feels wrong inside and this shows up in his behavior. The more he misbehaves, the more he gets spanked and the worse he feels. The cycle continues. We want the child to know that he did wrong, and to feel remorse, but to still believe that he is a person who has value. The Cycle of Misbehavior Misbehavior Worse behavior Spanking Decreased self-esteem, anger One of the goals of disciplinary action is to stop the misbehavior immediately, and spanking may do that. It is more important to create the conviction within the child that he doesn’t want to repeat the misbehavior (i.e, internal rather than external control). One of the reasons for the ineffectiveness of spanking in creating internal controls is that during and immediately after the spanking, the child is so preoccupied with the perceived injustice of the physical punishment (or maybe the degree of it he’s getting) that he “forgets” the reason for which he was spanked. Sitting down with him and talking after the spanking to be sure he’s aware of what he did can be done just as well (if not better) without the spanking part. Alternatives to spanking can be much more thought-and-conscience-provoking for a child, but they may take more time and energy from the parent. This brings up a main reason why some parents lean toward spanking—it’s easier. |
Anonymous
How did you come up with this method? Is this what your parents did? What age range do you use this, or plan to use it for? Do they just willingly go over your lap, or get into position? Are you pulling pants down for this? |
Anonymous
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HITTING MODELS HITTING
There is a classic story about the mother who believed in spanking as a necessary part of discipline until one day she observed her three- year-old daughter hitting her one-year-old son. When confronted, her daughter said, “I’m just playing mommy.” This mother never spanked another child.Children love to imitate, especially people whom they love and respect. They perceive that it’s okay for them to do whatever you do. Parents, remember, you are bringing up someone else’s mother or father, and wife or husband. The same discipline techniques you employ with your children are the ones they are most likely to carry on in their own parenting. The family is a training camp for teaching children how to handle conflicts. Studies show that children from spanking families are more likely to use aggression to handle conflicts when they become adults. Spanking demonstrates that it’s all right for people to hit people, and especially for big people to hit little people, and stronger people to hit weaker people. Children learn that when you have a problem you solve it with a good swat. A child whose behavior is controlled by spanking is likely to carry on this mode of interaction into other relationships with siblings and peers, and eventually a spouse and offspring. But, you say, “I don’t spank my child that often or that hard. Most of the time I show him lots of love and gentleness. An occasional swat on the bottom won’t bother him.” This rationalization holds true for some children, but other children remember spanking messages more than nurturing ones. You may have a hug-hit ratio of 100:1 in your home, but you run the risk of your child remembering and being influenced more by the one hit than the 100 hugs, especially if that hit was delivered in anger or unjustly, which happens all too often. Physical punishment shows that it’s all right to vent your anger or right a wrong by hitting other people. This is why the parent’s attitude during the spanking leaves as great an impression as the swat itself. How to control one’s angry impulses (swat control) is one of the things you are trying to teach your children. Spanking sabotages this teaching. Spanking guidelines usually give the warning to never spank in anger. If this guideline were to be faithfully observed 99 percent of spanking wouldn’t occur, because once the parent has calmed down he or she can come up with a more appropriate method of correction. |
Anonymous
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Yet, as I wrote last summer in a story about the first real-time study of parents spanking their children, some research has found that up to 90% of parents say they use corporal punishment:
Despite a battery of disciplinary techniques, including the infamous “time out,” redirection and the increasing emphasis on positive discipline (try substituting “hold the cup carefully” for “don’t spill your juice”), spanking and slapping are still pretty popular. Moms and dads who spank do so because they believe it’s effective, and research actually shows that it is — in the short term. A child reaching for a tempting object will stop if he gets swatted. “It does work in the immediate moment, but beyond that, in most cases, it’s very ineffective,” says George Holden, the study’s author and a professor of psychology at Southern Methodist University. “The most common long-term consequence is that children learn to use aggression.” Case in point: one mother in the study hit her toddler after the toddler either hit or kicked the mother, admonishing, “This is to help you remember not to hit your mother.” “The irony is just amazing,” says Holden. |
Anonymous
Yes, it is what my parents used (similar, I guess). Started at age 4 or so, and the oldest is 8. Yes. No, absolutely not. |
Anonymous
I'm like a moth at a flame. The idea that a parent would hug and kiss afterwards is emotional abuse. That is what controlling abuse looks like in adult relationships. At least mine (thank you parents!) would leave immediately because I remember wanting to hit my mom back. I remember my brother crying hysterically in frustration and humiliation. If they had tried to hug us I would have had to go into the bathroom and hurl or take a shower. |
Anonymous
Everyone's different. Kids react differently, I guess. We do the same as described by the PP. |