S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Old lady, for goodness sakes she is 59!!! Get a job.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 59.

And my sister became fully disabled due to ALS at 36. That doesn't mean the vast majority of people that age aren't perfectly capable of working.

[Anonymous]

C'mon. It's very difficult to enter the workforce at 59. It's not unheard of for women that age to have never worked before, and this women did raise four children. Yes, she could probably get a job at Walmart or CVS, but even those jobs are few and far between in some parts of the country. Hopefully she and the FIL will have a come-to-Jesus moment where they start making some plans while he's still working. They could do some catch-up retirement account contributions that would give them some more security. Not much the OP can do, though, if they're not going to help themselves or talk to a financial planner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You buried the real time bomb at the end, OP:

"I think DH will go along with what I decide."

And so what happens when the time comes, or MIL or FIL suddenly gets ill or has an accident or there's no money coming in and...your DH tells you, "They need us so they're going to live here"--?

The whole post was focused on your resentment of how they live their lives and especially how they did not provide the free child care you feel was your due. But nothing about how DH regards the situation other than "He'll do what I want." Maybe he does agree with you 100 percent. Maybe he agrees now, but will cave to guilt if they need to move in with you or need you to provide money so they can NOT move in with you. Maybe he actually doesn't feel the same as you but is so cowed by your anger and resentment and sense of entitlement that he won't say so to your face. No way to tell from your post.

If you don't want them living with you, you and he should say so point-blank now. If you will never give them a dime, you and he should say so point-blank now. And he, as their child, should do the telling.

I think Op is frustrated because these reasonably young people are eyeing HER - a person with a full time job, a child and her own retirement to save for - as their financial ticket. If they need that kind of help, if MIL is really not employable why aren't they willing to take the financial burden of daycare off of OP so that Op could set aside some of that money for them?

It is a thankless job to help people who aren't even willing to help themselves. Op is seeing that coming down that pike at her and she resents them for it. I also think that she is being premature with her resentment because they haven't actually asked anything of Op. How does Op know that they even will ask?

[Anonymous]

Your mother in law needs to be told explicitly not passive aggressively that she needs to get some kind of a job. She can still build up social security retirement credits. As far as the rest of it, I would simply be polite and tell her "Unfortunately we can't make any promises about what we'll be able to do in the future, if anything. It depends on where the finances are at that time. It would really be helpful if you could try to save some money between now and then and build a nest egg."

[Anonymous]

OP:

Tell her when she is ready to "retire" you will buy her new drapes for her double-wide.

[Anonymous]

You owe them nothing.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

Children do not ask to be born into the world- it's ridiculous to say they are born "owing" anyone. Having children is not a retirement plan

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

Children do not ask to be born into the world- it's ridiculous to say they are born "owing" anyone. Having children is not a retirement plan

wow talk about being ungrateful and thankless. I've seen so many threads where DCUM posters will argue they don't owe anything but demand their weddings to be paid for, gifts to be made on house down payments, feel entitled to their parents inheritances and also now child care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

Children do not ask to be born into the world- it's ridiculous to say they are born "owing" anyone. Having children is not a retirement plan

wow talk about being ungrateful and thankless. I've seen so many threads where DCUM posters will argue they don't owe anything but demand their weddings to be paid for, gifts to be made on house down payments, feel entitled to their parents inheritances and also now child care.

+1

Sadly, we are fucked. Everyone's self-absorbed to the nth degree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

I agree with this vis-a-vis the exchange of services.

That said, in the United States in the 21st century and certainly in the DC area, for most people taking care of their parents' needs would entail sacrificing their children's needs. It is virtually impossible for most middle-class people to care for their parents, care for their children, put away money for their own retirement (so as not to put their children in the same situation in the future), and save for college, all while keeping a roof over everyone's heads and food on the table and working. Pretty much impossible.

We do not live in a society that is set up to enable us to handle so many responsibilities at the same time.

For this reason I am very grateful to my parents for having planned and saved for their retirement. I care for them as feasible, but am not responsible for them to the nth degree.

[Anonymous]

I'll be honest here. I fully and happily intend to be financially responsible for my mom in her golden years as she will probably only have SS to live on. But my mom is broke because she has been so giving to us. I wouldn't have been able to progress in my career without her tremendous help to my household (not financially, but in every other way imaginable). So while my mind says that tit for tat isn't right, OP's mother is a different type of grandparent than what I'm used to.

[Anonymous]

I would never expect my mom, my MIL or anyone else to watch my son for free. That is ridiculous.

I would be a bit worried about financially supporting a parent who has not made any attempt to take care of themselves financially. But this has nothing to do with childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

Children do not ask to be born into the world- it's ridiculous to say they are born "owing" anyone. Having children is not a retirement plan

wow talk about being ungrateful and thankless. I've seen so many threads where DCUM posters will argue they don't owe anything but demand their weddings to be paid for, gifts to be made on house down payments, feel entitled to their parents inheritances and also now child care.

Not everybody demands those things. I paid my own way through uni, my now husband and I saved and scrounged for our first home deposit, and have never expected anything from either of our parents. I worry about my parents and retirement when I see them making stupid financial decisions, and keep making them, despite me quietly giving them advice. So even though they splurge on brand new cars , refinance their house multiple times to fund their multiple European trips and $45,000 online uni courses I'm supposed to suck it up and pay for their retirement? How am I suppose to pay for my childrens education? Is it ungrateful to want to spend my hard earned money on my children's future instead of my parents poorly planned future? I'm in therapy because of the stress it gives me worrying about what they are going to do. In the future. I'll be damnedest my kids are going to sufferand miss out while my parents go on 2 Paris trips in a year to keep up with the jones's

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe your parents elder care IN EXCHANGE for them doing your childcare. You owe it to them because they gave birth to you, wiped your bum when you soiled yourself, got up in the middle of the night for you when you cried, taught you to read and write, held your hand when you crossed the road, helped you take your first step and cared for your every single need at the expense of their own need when you were a child and unable to do anything for yourself. Your debt to them started accumulating the day you were born and grew with every diaper change.

For all that, I owe it to my parents to take care of them when THEY are no longer able to do things for themselves.

I agree with this vis-a-vis the exchange of services.

That said, in the United States in the 21st century and certainly in the DC area, for most people taking care of their parents' needs would entail sacrificing their children's needs. It is virtually impossible for most middle-class people to care for their parents, care for their children, put away money for their own retirement (so as not to put their children in the same situation in the future), and save for college, all while keeping a roof over everyone's heads and food on the table and working. Pretty much impossible.

We do not live in a society that is set up to enable us to handle so many responsibilities at the same time.

For this reason I am very grateful to my parents for having planned and saved for their retirement. I care for them as feasible, but am not responsible for them to the nth degree.

Exactly. People are reacting to this post as if OP's family has unlimited resources that they would prefer to withhold from MIL and FIL out of spite or for personal indulgences.
MIL may not OWE childcare, but I can see why OP would feel like "WTF" when MIL is insensitive to the huge cost of childcare coupled with looking after aging parents in a very expensive location.
How would MIL feel if she was getting paid for the childcare instead of a third party provider? Then, she and her husband could build up more of a nest egg. I'm surprised I haven't seen that suggested yet.