S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are united in the fact that we would NEVER want MIL taking care of our kids, but there's definitely the question of what'll happen to her when she starts to need assistance. Fortunately, we're also united in the fact that she'll never live with us; DH loves her, but doesn't like her. She is racist (and I'm not white), homophobic, and just an overall piece of work. I could go on, but I wont. However, we have given limited financial assistance to her in the past and would do so within our means in the future, assuming it doesn't detract from care for our kids. DH has two brothers but they've not helped in the past and we don't expect them to do so in the future.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing to resolve! Nothing has happened.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws are my SIL's problem when that day comes. She wants to continue being the family pet, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep posting the same story over and over again: I can recall at least 2 other topics involving finances and your DH/ILs (e.g., here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/463723.page). You also tend to get angry pretty fast, which tells me you are not the easiest housemate. Given that, I highly doubt your MIL would move in with you before checking out all other available options.

Um, you do realize that Op's story is pretty common, right? It's even common across races.

My Indian in laws basically had kids as a get out of jail free in old age and didn't do much to take care of them. I (white chick) met DH in college and we paid his loans together - mostly on my salary.

In laws want to put us on the hook for their care because of culture, DH is oldest son, yada yada.

It sucks. I swear it's always the parents who didn't do a whole lot for their kids who are super entitled. Makes sense though. If they were responsible, they wouldn't need to lay the guilt on their kids for money.

Yeah, I married into an East Asian family, and it is a given with everyone that children are the parents' retirement plan, no matter what. Their homes are full of nasty old parents and in-laws who abused or abandoned them as kids, but the grown children have to let them live with them, have to pay for everything, have to cook, clean, drive them around, and do everything for them. It's a legacy of misery, because the elders had to put up with it, and they want their due now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep posting the same story over and over again: I can recall at least 2 other topics involving finances and your DH/ILs (e.g., here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/463723.page). You also tend to get angry pretty fast, which tells me you are not the easiest housemate. Given that, I highly doubt your MIL would move in with you before checking out all other available options.

Um, you do realize that Op's story is pretty common, right? It's even common across races.

My Indian in laws basically had kids as a get out of jail free in old age and didn't do much to take care of them. I (white chick) met DH in college and we paid his loans together - mostly on my salary.

In laws want to put us on the hook for their care because of culture, DH is oldest son, yada yada.

It sucks. I swear it's always the parents who didn't do a whole lot for their kids who are super entitled. Makes sense though. If they were responsible, they wouldn't need to lay the guilt on their kids for money.

Yeah, I married into an East Asian family, and it is a given with everyone that children are the parents' retirement plan, no matter what. Their homes are full of nasty old parents and in-laws who abused or abandoned them as kids, but the grown children have to let them live with them, have to pay for everything, have to cook, clean, drive them around, and do everything for them. It's a legacy of misery, because the elders had to put up with it, and they want their due now.

Break the cycle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Does MIL live in a paid for house or are they paycheck to paycheck in an apt? Mortgage? I'm also older and I don't understand how they can have nothing for retirement. Did she ever work? Social security might only be 2500/month. Unless they move to a low cost of living area they will need somewhere to live. Is DH an only child?

If my grown kids had children I'd be willing to help as needed but not 7:30-6 daily with 2 weeks vacation annually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You owe them because they gave you your DH and DC. Yes, you need to find a way to take care of them if and when the time comes.

Unless there's some new infertility treatment I don't know about, I'm pretty sure grand parents don't give birth to their grand children.

Even someone with a flea sized brain would know what she means. You are simply being obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Does MIL live in a paid for house or are they paycheck to paycheck in an apt? Mortgage? I'm also older and I don't understand how they can have nothing for retirement. Did she ever work? Social security might only be 2500/month. Unless they move to a low cost of living area they will need somewhere to live. Is DH an only child?

If my grown kids had children I'd be willing to help as needed but not 7:30-6 daily with 2 weeks vacation annually.

Your privilege is showing. Many if not most who have worked only minimum wage jobs have nothing in retirement.

[Anonymous]

You buried the real time bomb at the end, OP:

"I think DH will go along with what I decide."

And so what happens when the time comes, or MIL or FIL suddenly gets ill or has an accident or there's no money coming in and...your DH tells you, "They need us so they're going to live here"--?

The whole post was focused on your resentment of how they live their lives and especially how they did not provide the free child care you feel was your due. But nothing about how DH regards the situation other than "He'll do what I want." Maybe he does agree with you 100 percent. Maybe he agrees now, but will cave to guilt if they need to move in with you or need you to provide money so they can NOT move in with you. Maybe he actually doesn't feel the same as you but is so cowed by your anger and resentment and sense of entitlement that he won't say so to your face. No way to tell from your post.

If you don't want them living with you, you and he should say so point-blank now. If you will never give them a dime, you and he should say so point-blank now. And he, as their child, should do the telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Just ignore them. Their life, their freedom, their consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Does MIL live in a paid for house or are they paycheck to paycheck in an apt? Mortgage? I'm also older and I don't understand how they can have nothing for retirement. Did she ever work? Social security might only be 2500/month. Unless they move to a low cost of living area they will need somewhere to live. Is DH an only child?

If my grown kids had children I'd be willing to help as needed but not 7:30-6 daily with 2 weeks vacation annually.

Your privilege is showing. Many if not most who have worked only minimum wage jobs have nothing in retirement.

Lady, the reason some people work only minimum wage jobs is not lack of privilege, it is lack of brains.

[Anonymous]

These threads are interesting but pointless. So much projection...

I would say this:

It's one thing for an indigent relative to come to you and say, " please help me"

It's another thing for a relative to come to you saying," I've made what I acknowledge to be terrible decisions. Even though there is time to turn things around, I would rather just take it easy and then live off of you when things get difficult. Oh, and please try and forget all of the disparaging remarks I've made about your life choices. "

[Anonymous]

They raised your DH, that's the trade for you caring for them. You expect them to raise DH AND DC?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Consensus in the thread asking why grandparents no longer provide child care seems to be that grandparents don't owe their kids and grandkids squat. Okay, I can agree with that. But is the reverse true?

DH's parents live close enough to help with our daughter and his mother is a lifelong SAHM. She is only 59, but prefers to keep her schedule open to watch TV all day, travel a few times a year, and make gossipy phone calls. So, we pay for child care and it is really eating into our finances. I am fine with this. Our kid, our problem.

Here's the rub: DH's parents have zero in retirement savings. Social security and DH's Dad working until he dies is what they are banking on. I make a good amount of money (more than DH) and kill myself to earn it. DH's mother has started dropping hints lately about how nice it would be for us all to move in together one day. They don't have jack shit to contribute, so I know DH and I would be basically carrying them financially, with the bulk coming from me. That is what DH's mother is after.

Recently, she made a joke about living with us and I responded with a grin: "Paying for child care is eating through the money we'd have helped you with." She dropped the topic quickly. I don't think I owe her and FIL squat. She has spent her life as she pleases, staying home instead of building financial security by working, not giving a red cent to DH for college because thinks kids are responsible for their own education, and refusing to help with her grandkid because she would rather catch up on talk shows. Am I wrong? I think DH will go along with what I decide.

Does MIL live in a paid for house or are they paycheck to paycheck in an apt? Mortgage? I'm also older and I don't understand how they can have nothing for retirement. Did she ever work? Social security might only be 2500/month. Unless they move to a low cost of living area they will need somewhere to live. Is DH an only child?

If my grown kids had children I'd be willing to help as needed but not 7:30-6 daily with 2 weeks vacation annually.

Your privilege is showing. Many if not most who have worked only minimum wage jobs have nothing in retirement.

Lady, the reason some people work only minimum wage jobs is not lack of privilege, it is lack of brains.

yes, and there are indeed people who do not have the intelligence to work anything but minimum wage and then there are people like you who feel superior to those people by nothing more than afluke of DNA, but thinking everyone is in a position to save for retirement is indeed a show of privilege in the most asshole way.

[Anonymous]

Our parent's certainly did a poor job of teaching empathy to their children. What kind of hell hole will the world be a few generations from now. When the grand kids of the 'It's all about ME generation' are in control?