I was seen multi dating by the guy I like more

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Relax, 9:18, I believe 9:15 meant the Royal "you." There have been comments like that deleted from this thread.

Yes. That is what I meant. It was a comment posted in this thread, referring to OP. It has been deleted. If that's how you "share your feelings," don't whine and cry martyr when you're called out for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, since you + Guy 1 are not yet mutually exclusive you really do not owe him any type of excuse as to why you were out w/another man. You have the right to date as many men as you would like to date now and you are a grown adult.

However, in his eyes, he may see you as a "promiscuous-type" or fickle girl and not someone who is serious and ready to settle down. So that could be why he looked tight-lipped when he saw you at the lounge.

He may or may not mention to you what happened, and if he doesn't it will be the "Elephant in the Room" anyway, so I would mention it if he doesn't.

Just tell him that you really do like him and that you have been dating other guys. (Just leave out the sleeping w/other guys part out.) Let him know that he is the one that you like out of the few that you are dating now, and that if he wants to be exclusive, then you are more than willing to go down that path w/him any time.

Good Luck!!

Have you read the whole thread? The issue isn't her multi-dating, it's that guy 1 could reasonably assume some unspoken level of exclusivity. Based both on the comments made in the OP about their chemistry, LTR potential, and lots of dates, and the longish duration of their relationship.

[Anonymous]

So here is my update and I don’t know if it's going better or not. So anyway I called him today and convinced him to get together. When we met he was just not in a talky mood so I sort of started the conversation.

I told him that I understand how lousy he must have felt when he saw me with the other guy and that I was sorry which I am. I also told him that when I saw him I realized that I should have been out with him and not guy 2.

I also said that I didn’t know how serious he was about me and that I didn’t know if he was dating anybody else. He kind of got weird and said that he was serious enough that he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he hadn’t since we started going out together. He figured I was doing the same thing. He said he thought we were a couple and then also said “big mistake on his part".

He’s also concluded in his head that I had sex with the other guy. I came clean and admitted it but didn’t go into details. He wanted to know how long I’ve known guy 2 and I said I met guy 2 a bit before him.

Then came (in his mind) the big issue of why we haven’t “done it.” I tried to explain that I wanted to go slower so that we got to know each other better and to see if we could be a couple together (which I so totally do). I didn’t want to have sex early so that our relationship would not start just based on sex.

He wanted to know if I found him attractive and I said of course I did (which I also absoloutely do). He got kind of sarcastic I think and said something like obviously guy 2 must have been more attractive if I had sex with him and fast. I tried to explain that there were no feelings with guy 2 and that it was just physical. He asked me if I thought it was cool for us to “date” while I was “having sex” with the other guy. I said no and apologized again for hurting his feelings.

He said he thought we were serious and that this has really thrown him a curve ball. He admitted that I could do whatever I wanted and that I was my own person and all that but he said that he feels like the “lesser man.” He actually used those exact words. He then left to get back to the office.

So that’s where I am. He didn’t break things off but he really does feel hurt. How do I make him realize that he’s NOT the lesser man and that it’s him I want an exclusive relationship with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So here is my update and I don’t know if it's going better or not. So anyway I called him today and convinced him to get together. When we met he was just not in a talky mood so I sort of started the conversation.

I told him that I understand how lousy he must have felt when he saw me with the other guy and that I was sorry which I am. I also told him that when I saw him I realized that I should have been out with him and not guy 2.

I also said that I didn’t know how serious he was about me and that I didn’t know if he was dating anybody else. He kind of got weird and said that he was serious enough that he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he hadn’t since we started going out together. He figured I was doing the same thing. He said he thought we were a couple and then also said “big mistake on his part".

He’s also concluded in his head that I had sex with the other guy. I came clean and admitted it but didn’t go into details. He wanted to know how long I’ve known guy 2 and I said I met guy 2 a bit before him.

Then came (in his mind) the big issue of why we haven’t “done it.” I tried to explain that I wanted to go slower so that we got to know each other better and to see if we could be a couple together (which I so totally do). I didn’t want to have sex early so that our relationship would not start just based on sex.

He wanted to know if I found him attractive and I said of course I did (which I also absoloutely do). He got kind of sarcastic I think and said something like obviously guy 2 must have been more attractive if I had sex with him and fast. I tried to explain that there were no feelings with guy 2 and that it was just physical. He asked me if I thought it was cool for us to “date” while I was “having sex” with the other guy. I said no and apologized again for hurting his feelings.

He said he thought we were serious and that this has really thrown him a curve ball. He admitted that I could do whatever I wanted and that I was my own person and all that but he said that he feels like the “lesser man.” He actually used those exact words. He then left to get back to the office.

So that’s where I am. He didn’t break things off but he really does feel hurt. How do I make him realize that he’s NOT the lesser man and that it’s him I want an exclusive relationship with?

You need to make him feel really special and frequently in order to erase the images from his mind. Frequently.

[DanielG]

Anonymous wrote:

So that’s where I am. He didn’t break things off but he really does feel hurt. How do I make him realize that he’s NOT the lesser man and that it’s him I want an exclusive relationship with?

Prove it to him however you would normally do it. If in your heart you feel like you should shower him with affection....do it. If you feel you should send him a nice card expressing your feelings while hoping he would like to continue dating....do it.

Just be genuine.

If nothing comes of it, oh well. You gave it your best shot and that is all you can do.

Good Luck!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So here is my update and I don’t know if it's going better or not. So anyway I called him today and convinced him to get together. When we met he was just not in a talky mood so I sort of started the conversation.

I told him that I understand how lousy he must have felt when he saw me with the other guy and that I was sorry which I am. I also told him that when I saw him I realized that I should have been out with him and not guy 2.

I also said that I didn’t know how serious he was about me and that I didn’t know if he was dating anybody else. He kind of got weird and said that he was serious enough that he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he hadn’t since we started going out together. He figured I was doing the same thing. He said he thought we were a couple and then also said “big mistake on his part".

He’s also concluded in his head that I had sex with the other guy. I came clean and admitted it but didn’t go into details. He wanted to know how long I’ve known guy 2 and I said I met guy 2 a bit before him.

Then came (in his mind) the big issue of why we haven’t “done it.” I tried to explain that I wanted to go slower so that we got to know each other better and to see if we could be a couple together (which I so totally do). I didn’t want to have sex early so that our relationship would not start just based on sex.

He wanted to know if I found him attractive and I said of course I did (which I also absoloutely do). He got kind of sarcastic I think and said something like obviously guy 2 must have been more attractive if I had sex with him and fast. I tried to explain that there were no feelings with guy 2 and that it was just physical. He asked me if I thought it was cool for us to “date” while I was “having sex” with the other guy. I said no and apologized again for hurting his feelings.

He said he thought we were serious and that this has really thrown him a curve ball. He admitted that I could do whatever I wanted and that I was my own person and all that but he said that he feels like the “lesser man.” He actually used those exact words. He then left to get back to the office.

So that’s where I am. He didn’t break things off but he really does feel hurt. How do I make him realize that he’s NOT the lesser man and that it’s him I want an exclusive relationship with?

OP - well, first, that was incredibly upstanding of you to come clean. As for what can (should) you do next, I'm in different camp of thought than PPs^. I'd give him space - he has to figure out what he is the next step. You are in a really tough spot b/c the inclination is to prove/show him how much he means to you. But that may push him further in the bad part of his mind - that you're feeling guilty and all of your effort now, though seemingly genuine and real, is simply to have him excuse your fling with guy #2. You can't change that in his mind - we men don't get that logic that it's only physical with the other guy - so don't go down that road.

If you were my daughter, I'd say tell him one more time how you really feel, but maintain your dignity. It sucks b/c it's going to hurt - and if things don't turn out it will hurt even more. But you've come clean, and you did it in a very mature and stand-up manner but you don't need to grovel.

~divorced dad

[Anonymous]

OP,

He thought it was serious after two months without sex? You've been seeing this other guy all along, and sleeping with him? I would NEVER trust a guy who did that to me. Never, ever. I would feel duped and rejected, and really on the spot as far as making love for the first time after hearing that. Also, how can you be sure he's the one before having slept together?

Interesting, so many responses!

[Anonymous]

I will answer you as if this is a real thread and not a psychology experiment/troll, which I doubt.

I think it's going to be really, really hard to come back from this. You didn't do anything wrong and yet it is totally understandable why he would be feeling confused, hurt and rejected. It will be difficult for him to just shake this off and move forward, because he will always have that image of you with the other guy and the knowledge that your relationship wasn't what he thought it was.

You can tell him that the reason you didn't have sex with him was because you actually saw the most long-term potential with him and that you didn't want to get attached too fast and get hurt as you have in the past, etc but I don't think it will do much to make him feel better. Ultimately he just has to decide if he can move past this.

Just be honest with him, some version of, "I really like you and have no desire to be with anyone else. I don't care about that other guy at all, but I care so much for you and am so sorry I hurt you. I think I was just trying to protect myself because I've been hurt in the past, and it had been a while since I'd dated anyone. And I guess I didn't realize that you were serious about me yet. I'm so sad that this may have derailed our relationship and I would love a second chance, but I understand if that's not possible". Just be sincere and honest, that's really the only way. And if he gives you another chance, show him with your actions that you are attracted to him and care for him.

Tell him, "I would love a second chance to show you how I feel, and how attracted to you I am".

[Anonymous]

I know there was already a big debate about this is another thread, but I think it would be hard for me (if I was Guy 1) to comprehend your claim that you prefer me but are still dating, and sleeping, with other men after several weeks of us dating.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if OP is the wolf poster. Remember that 100+ page debacle?

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/357557.page

[Anonymous]

I still think this whole thread is a joke. But, if OP is real, I would just move on. Tell Guy 1 you're still interested in him if he'd like, but don't push it. Lessons learned and move on. I don't think you did anything wrong - being exclusive after 6-8 weeks is not a given in my book, but obviously there was a miscommunication. You're 28 and don't need to go chasing after Guy 1 if he's not going to be able to put Guy 2 out of his mind.

[Anonymous]

"I also said that I didn’t know how serious he was about me and that I didn’t know if he was dating anybody else. He kind of got weird and said that he was serious enough that he wasn’t dating anyone else and that he hadn’t since we started going out together. He figured I was doing the same thing. He said he thought we were a couple and then also said “big mistake on his part".

He’s also concluded in his head that I had sex with the other guy. I came clean and admitted it but didn’t go into details. He wanted to know how long I’ve known guy 2 and I said I met guy 2 a bit before him."

This is Exhibit #1 on why we need to teach our sons how to communicate, date, and be in a relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is Exhibit #1 on why we need to teach our sons how to communicate, date, and be in a relationship.

Because she was real open about it?

They both should have communicated better and not just assumed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

He thought it was serious after two months without sex? You've been seeing this other guy all along, and sleeping with him? I would NEVER trust a guy who did that to me. Never, ever. I would feel duped and rejected, and really on the spot as far as making love for the first time after hearing that. Also, how can you be sure he's the one before having slept together?

Interesting, so many responses!

Here is a woman who AGREES with the many male responses and it's refreshing. Every male here told you how it would feel and be interpreted, and every angry woman called those guys "losers" and "contr freaks," as well as other terms we've come to know and love.

Once again: Telling a guy you're not sleeping with how special he is while, all along you've been sleeping with another guy will only be accepted by guys with no self-respect or self-esteem.

Despite how many more women make fun of my post and call guys losers, euphemisms and fairytale don't change facts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,

He thought it was serious after two months without sex? You've been seeing this other guy all along, and sleeping with him? I would NEVER trust a guy who did that to me. Never, ever. I would feel duped and rejected, and really on the spot as far as making love for the first time after hearing that. Also, how can you be sure he's the one before having slept together?

Interesting, so many responses!

Here is a woman who AGREES with the many male responses and it's refreshing. Every male here told you how it would feel and be interpreted, and every angry woman called those guys "losers" and "contr freaks," as well as other terms we've come to know and love.

Once again: Telling a guy you're not sleeping with how special he is while, all along you've been sleeping with another guy will only be accepted by guys with no self-respect or self-esteem.

Despite how many more women make fun of my post and call guys losers, euphemisms and fairytale don't change facts.

+1

Yep