Is This the Norm? My Husband Says I’m Wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, My husband wasn’t at a teen club; it was a 25+ venue, and he didn’t know my age. I never liked older men for financial reasons, I just liked three because they were older—that’s all. Also, I wasn’t a teenager when I was 18. While many 18 year olds who get pregnant by 40 year olds might be considered victims, that wasn’t the case for me. OP

Listen. You were. When I was 18 I had lived in 3 foreign countries where I didn't speak but learned the language. I navigated multiple school systems and credits, lived with 6+ families, and had to figure out how to take my SATs and ACTs by myself so I could submit college applications. I had near total freedom and went on a date or two with older men. Anyone who is interested in a teen is de facto a creeper. That's just it. You actually sound like a stunted person because you don't see that. Which is actually the opposite of maturity? Actually mature young women suss that out quick and don't let themselves be in this situation, x100 for a teen! No well adjusted HS student is like, scoping out her friends divorced dad's. I am not.totally surprised because people sometimes have arrested development around the time of major life changes and trauma. So not only were you dealing whatever made a teen into old men (this is really messed up) you're pushing 30 and defending with no introspection? NOT good, girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this story so hard to believe because I have two daughters late in high school and they and their friends consider any man older than early 20s to be a hideous geriatric dad type. How would you meet a 40 year old while still in high school, be dumb enough to sleep with him and then marry him within months? Do you not have any friends or family smacking any sense into you? Wasn’t this embarrassing to everyone at the time?

Well, all teenagers arent like that I don’t think 40 is old, and why is it dumb to sleep and marry with someone that you love?

It is dumb for a teenager to sleep with a 40 year old divorced dad of 3. It is dumb to get pregnant within a few months of dating such a man. Is is dumb to get married as a pregnant teenager and expect that you will be treated respectfully especially if you never have a job or contribute

What's wrong with being divorced or 40? Neither was an issue for me. I genuinely wanted to date him (not just sleep with him), and I did. There’s nothing foolish about marrying someone who intends to marry you, regardless of whether you're pregnant or not. I wasn't a teenager/kid, and none of this is tied to having a job.

You said you were 18, isn’t that a teenager?

The fact that you haven’t had any job means you are entirely financially dependent on your much older husband who gets to control your spending on vacations. You have no other options as a pregnant teen bride.

It is very unusual for an unwed 18 year old to get pregnant by a 40 year old, as much as you think this was a great idea most teenagers and anyone who cares about them does not.

I’m not like most other teens—I made my own decisions. I wouldn’t call my 18-year-old self a teenager, and I didn’t think like one either. An 18-year-old getting pregnant by a 40-year-old isn’t unheard of, and for me, it wasn’t a dumb decision. We’re still married and raising our child together—that’s the point I’m making.

You are still married and raising a kid together, but he is not kind to you and he doesn't exhibit appropriate interest in his kid with you.

I am the first wife who has gone on vacation with my exH and our 2 kids. I know his second wife didn't like it. I think she thought he was still interested in me or thought that we might fool around. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I had zero interest in him, in fact, I had a fair amount of antipathy I was suppressing, but I wanted my kids to have the experience of vacationing with their Dad. They were young then, but even now I encourage him to vacation with them without his second wife, who, TBH, isn't very kind or welcoming or caring toward them.

You should let your husband vacation with his older kids for a couple weeks, but he should make sure you have extra support for your parenting while he is gone, and he should make sure to have at least a week away with your kid and you plus a couple weekends throughout the year. Less than that and he is really showing his own child with you that he doesn't care about the kid. It's a form of parental neglect that can be really hurtful to a child. It was very hard to watch my kids experience this, and had he ever had kids with his second wife, I wouldn't have wished that pain on her or another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:where is your husband going for vacation with his ex and his children? How many days?

3 weeks in Italy and Greece.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find this story so hard to believe because I have two daughters late in high school and they and their friends consider any man older than early 20s to be a hideous geriatric dad type. How would you meet a 40 year old while still in high school, be dumb enough to sleep with him and then marry him within months? Do you not have any friends or family smacking any sense into you? Wasn’t this embarrassing to everyone at the time?

Well, all teenagers arent like that I don’t think 40 is old, and why is it dumb to sleep and marry with someone that you love?

It is dumb for a teenager to sleep with a 40 year old divorced dad of 3. It is dumb to get pregnant within a few months of dating such a man. Is is dumb to get married as a pregnant teenager and expect that you will be treated respectfully especially if you never have a job or contribute

What's wrong with being divorced or 40? Neither was an issue for me. I genuinely wanted to date him (not just sleep with him), and I did. There’s nothing foolish about marrying someone who intends to marry you, regardless of whether you're pregnant or not. I wasn't a teenager/kid, and none of this is tied to having a job.

You said you were 18, isn’t that a teenager?

The fact that you haven’t had any job means you are entirely financially dependent on your much older husband who gets to control your spending on vacations. You have no other options as a pregnant teen bride.

It is very unusual for an unwed 18 year old to get pregnant by a 40 year old, as much as you think this was a great idea most teenagers and anyone who cares about them does not.

I’m not like most other teens—I made my own decisions. I wouldn’t call my 18-year-old self a teenager, and I didn’t think like one either. An 18-year-old getting pregnant by a 40-year-old isn’t unheard of, and for me, it wasn’t a dumb decision. We’re still married and raising our child together—that’s the point I’m making.

You are still married and raising a kid together, but he is not kind to you and he doesn't exhibit appropriate interest in his kid with you.

I am the first wife who has gone on vacation with my exH and our 2 kids. I know his second wife didn't like it. I think she thought he was still interested in me or thought that we might fool around. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I had zero interest in him, in fact, I had a fair amount of antipathy I was suppressing, but I wanted my kids to have the experience of vacationing with their Dad. They were young then, but even now I encourage him to vacation with them without his second wife, who, TBH, isn't very kind or welcoming or caring toward them.

You should let your husband vacation with his older kids for a couple weeks, but he should make sure you have extra support for your parenting while he is gone, and he should make sure to have at least a week away with your kid and you plus a couple weekends throughout the year. Less than that and he is really showing his own child with you that he doesn't care about the kid. It's a form of parental neglect that can be really hurtful to a child. It was very hard to watch my kids experience this, and had he ever had kids with his second wife, I wouldn't have wished that pain on her or another child.

OP is not in any position to "let" her husband do anything. He seems to do whatever the hell he wants, and controls what she does too. It's not a good dynamic, as she has no power in this relationship, and it certainly is not collaborative.

OP, get yourself an education. And a job. You will always be under his thumb so long as you are financially dependent on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:where is your husband going for vacation with his ex and his children? How many days?

3 weeks in Italy and Greece.

Ah to visit the distant relatives. Nice.

[Anonymous]

You can think whatever you want about my husband—that he’s a creeper or whatever (which is harsh, he’s my child’s father)—but you can’t make me think that I’m a victim. He didn’t know my age until long after we started dating. And not all 18 year olds are the same and have lived the same experiences. I’ve never been a victim, and I’ve never been taken of and I’m not being taken advantage of now. He might be a little mean sometimes, but he’s not exploiting me. I don’t have any trauma, and I’m not emotionally stunted. I also don’t understand why it’s hard to believe that a young woman can genuinely like men aged 40–60 for normal reasons, not just for money. About the pregnancy: I didn’t use birth control, but we were already planning to get married, and he wanted a child anyway. So it worked out—we weren’t very careful and just went with the flow. He took care of me a lot; pregnancy was a new experience, but he made sure I was supported. OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can think whatever you want about my husband—that he’s a creeper or whatever (which is harsh, he’s my child’s father)—but you can’t make me think that I’m a victim. He didn’t know my age until long after we started dating. And not all 18 year olds are the same and have lived the same experiences. I’ve never been a victim, and I’ve never been taken of and I’m not being taken advantage of now. He might be a little mean sometimes, but he’s not exploiting me. I don’t have any trauma, and I’m not emotionally stunted. I also don’t understand why it’s hard to believe that a young woman can genuinely like men aged 40–60 for normal reasons, not just for money. About the pregnancy: I didn’t use birth control, but we were already planning to get married, and he wanted a child anyway. So it worked out—we weren’t very careful and just went with the flow. He took care of me a lot; pregnancy was a new experience, but he made sure I was supported. OP

If he’s so great then why are you whining?

[Anonymous]

Are the three kids of his ex also his as well??

OP, no it is NOT the norm for exes to go on vacation together >> most especially when the kids are of age!!?

Your husband still has feelings for his ex to want to even participate in this trip.

I cannot believe that he wants you + your son at home while he vacations.

His priorities are messed up and I personally think if he actually partakes in this trip you should speak to a divorce attorney while he is gone.

Lucky you are still young and have many solid, good years left.

Him?
Not so much.
Haha!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can think whatever you want about my husband—that he’s a creeper or whatever (which is harsh, he’s my child’s father)—but you can’t make me think that I’m a victim. He didn’t know my age until long after we started dating. And not all 18 year olds are the same and have lived the same experiences. I’ve never been a victim, and I’ve never been taken of and I’m not being taken advantage of now. He might be a little mean sometimes, but he’s not exploiting me. I don’t have any trauma, and I’m not emotionally stunted. I also don’t understand why it’s hard to believe that a young woman can genuinely like men aged 40–60 for normal reasons, not just for money. About the pregnancy: I didn’t use birth control, but we were already planning to get married, and he wanted a child anyway. So it worked out—we weren’t very careful and just went with the flow. He took care of me a lot; pregnancy was a new experience, but he made sure I was supported. OP

If he’s so great then why are you whining?

+1
You need to take off the rose-colored glasses honey and accept that you are married to a common louse.
Divorce him or else stay with him and live a life of misery.

Your move OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people keep bringing up age, because that is not the main point of my post. What I really need is advice on how to handle this situation with my husband and how to make things right for my my son. OP

Because your husband is a borderline pedophile, that's why. You seem surprised that he's not acting like the dad of the year and you should be thankful he's not in jail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people keep bringing up age, because that is not the main point of my post. What I really need is advice on how to handle this situation with my husband and how to make things right for my my son. OP

It's the reason he doesn't want to bring you and they don't want you to be there.

Your husband should take your son on vacation. But he does not want to. I dunno. Other than talking with him, I think you're stuck.

I’m fine with not being there, but I don’t like that he chooses them to vacation with vs us. And he refuses to let us vacation together at a later time and also refuses to allow me and my son to vacation together without him.

That's his "real" family that he had with a wife who was presumably closer to his age, not the high school chick he accidentally knocked up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand why people keep bringing up age, because that is not the main point of my post. What I really need is advice on how to handle this situation with my husband and how to make things right for my my son. OP

It's the reason he doesn't want to bring you and they don't want you to be there.

Your husband should take your son on vacation. But he does not want to. I dunno. Other than talking with him, I think you're stuck.

I’m fine with not being there, but I don’t like that he chooses them to vacation with vs us. And he refuses to let us vacation together at a later time and also refuses to allow me and my son to vacation together without him.

Wait, are you saying that a 40-year old who impregnated a teenage is being controlling and borderline abusive? I am shocked, SHOCKED to hear that.

That's who you married - you don't get that? Your poor son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this story so hard to believe because I have two daughters late in high school and they and their friends consider any man older than early 20s to be a hideous geriatric dad type. How would you meet a 40 year old while still in high school, be dumb enough to sleep with him and then marry him within months? Do you not have any friends or family smacking any sense into you? Wasn’t this embarrassing to everyone at the time?

Daddy issues. Some women are messed up in the head. We have a 52-year old neighbor who is dating a 21-year old and I cannot figure out why this girl is willing to throw her life away on this washed-up man who is going through a divorce and has kids with his first wife. But I talked to her once and she has major daddy issues and this guy is basically being her surrogate dad by buying her stuff. I hope she comes to her senses before she gets knocked up mostly because I care about his kids but also this is a horrible path forward for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, there’s not really a reason to make such a big deal about an 18 year old being pregnant by a 40 year old. What’s the big issue with that? It’s not that uncommon. OP

Ok well now we know you're just a troll, which was my first guess anyway

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, there’s not really a reason to make such a big deal about an 18 year old being pregnant by a 40 year old. What’s the big issue with that? It’s not that uncommon. OP

It is extremely uncommon in the US, are you writing from another country where men have more of a property interest in their wives?

I’m in the US, I’m just saying that it’s not that uncommon, it does happen thought not often.

I know zero teenagers who married 40 year old men. Is the rest of your marriage a nightmare or just this one vacation?

I honestly don’t get the outrage here. If he were 70, sure, but he was only 40, which seemed too young to me even back then—come on. I was 18 when I got pregnant, but I wasn’t super young, and we were already talking about a long-term marriage. We just went with the flow, and when we found out I was pregnant, of course we were excited. Age was never a big deal for us. I loved my husband for who he was, not because of anything superficial. OP

Yeah, well this is who he is. I don't see how you can be surprised about that. After all, you knew him SO WELL before you decided to have a baby and get married and all of that. And your brain was totally developed by the time you made that decision so of course you knew exactly who he was.

I mean, which one is it? He's this amazing guy and blah blah blah or you married an ahole and you were too young and dumb to realize it? Gee, I wonder.