Is This the Norm? My Husband Says I’m Wrong
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Anonymous
Is it actually that he is “refusing”? It kinda sounds like XW is loaded, but he is not. He probably can’t afford to take you anywhere |
Anonymous
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You don't have a normal marriage.
He is acting like your parent not your spouse. You recognize there is no partnership, right? You are his property and he is your enslaver. |
Anonymous
Duh |
Anonymous
Lol So fake. Did she hit the manatee yet with the beached boat and anchor? |
Anonymous
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I don't say this lightly, but you should be making plans to divorce him. In the meantime tho, act like everything is fine and keep collecting evidence and saving money so that you and your son have some security...bcuz its clear that he doesnt care about either of you.
It seems like he enjoys hanging out with older kids (you some years ago, and his young adult kids now), he just doesn't wanna be responsible for them. He was probably a jackass to his first wife and a piss poor father to their kids, but now that all the hard work is done and they're all adults...he wants to hang out with them on vacation. He most likely got involved with you to escape the real life that he had with his then family, bcuz he didn't want the responsibility of being a husband and father. This was not a maturity issue for him, this is just who he is. If it weren't, he'd be different with your son, but he's not. This is nuts...and if you go for this BS then you're nuts too. Now if he went on a vacation with just the older kids, that would be ok...OR if he took the older kids and the 8 year old (bcuz despite the age gap they are siblings) that would be ok too, but the kids and the ex-wife??? And he left you and ur son home and denied you guys any type of vacation this year? Like, huh? Your husband sounds like a predatory, selfish, depraved, irresponsible pedophile to me, so again I say to you...leave this trainwreck of a marriage as soon as your are safely able to do so. Good luck. |
Anonymous
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I hope your son goes to a really good school that is academically enriched, has highly dedicated teachers, and offers a wealth of cultural diversity. And I hope your husband really does spend quality time with him too…because tbh, you seem super slow.
Not sure if you were abused along with your mom, or sex trafficked as a child, but based on your comments and your mindset, it seems highly likely. Typical teenagers don’t go to 25+ clubs scouting for men that are their dad’s age, and they’re certainly not looking to get pregnant by or marry them…especially if it means they’ll have to be a stepmom to people the same age as they are. And even the most dense, oblivious teenagers understand that at 18 or 19, they are still indeed teenagers. And as teens enter young adulthood, most also wouldn’t idly sit back and wait for permission to do things or go places they wanted to go if there was no one there to stop them. Most teenagers and young adults under 26 are impulsive and do whatever reckless things they want, unless they’ve been traumatized by abuse & are afraid of extreme consequences…this sounds like your case. Because if they had a husband who did this, all the teenagers I know would have packed that kid up so fast and been on a plane headed to another continent within days of said husband leaving town to vacation with his first family. And they would have done so at the husbands expense. But not you. You’re clueless, stuck at home with your kid, and wasting time asking people on a random website what to do. If the back story you described is accurate, then you’ve been living in survival mode since you were 6-7 years old. I mean you totally have potential, but while you’re getting your act together your son needs to be exposed to as much healthy normalcy as possible…and he can’t get that from you. I mean, how can you ever protect or defend him against your husband if you’ve been traumatized into submission? You’re somebody’s mother now, so you have to start acting like it…and the first step is getting your mental health in order and addressing your past trauma. I hope things work out well for you and your son. |
Anonymous
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So a 41 yo man gets a 19 yo pregnant and marries her? I see red flags everywhere or this is a troll. But if not…
Getting back to your question. It is nice that he wants to spend time with his adult children and gets along with their mother. Are you concerned he is cheating? You and your son can take your own vacation at the same time. He should do at least one trip a year with you and your son as well. |
Anonymous
Quality people choose equal partners. Clearly, the husband is not a quality person. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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Oh, sweetheart, you have had a rough road. Through so much of your childhood, you must have felt on shaky ground. Your living situations were so often so temporary or otherwise unstable. I’m sure your parents loved you, and it was kind that others took you in during times of need. But you never really knew the stability and safety of parental care in the same way that most children do. No wonder you were looking to create a family of your own right away — it’s the family you never had for yourself.
For all the issues with your marriage, I can easily see how it feels safe and secure and caring compared to all the living situations in your past. Compared to some of what you’ve seen, even a marriage that’s a little problematic must seem so much better than the very worst relationships. But, as someone who had lived several decades li her than you and seen a lot of other women go through life changes, I can almost guarantee that sooner or later you’re going to want to make some changes. Your son will get busier and more independent, and in 10 years he’ll go off to live in his own. You’ll still have so many decades in front of you, and what will you want to do with all that time? You don’t have to decide today, but now’s a good time to start thinking things through and wondering what might be. For the moment, go ahead and set aside what everyone is saying about the age gap. You can even set aside how and when you met your husband and the birth control discussion. But please take a good look at where you are in your marriage TODAY. Which parts are working? Which parts are NOT working? What changes do you need to be happier and have your needs better met? If you stay with your husband, the dynamics of your life with him will be your life’s path. The current situation between you two will be your son’s entire childhood. Among other things, it will set him up for what he expects in his own relationships for the rest of his life. Knowing that, are there changes you need to make to set you all up for the best possible future? Please use this as a wakeup call to start figuring that out. Remember, marriage is (supposed to be!) a partnership, and you’re allowed to have needs and to have those needs met by your partner. That is true even when one partner makes a salary and the other stays home with house and children. You’re both contributing to the success of the household, and you both deserve to be supported in return. Every family is different, but if this helps to know what’s “normal”…. Most families have joint accounts for banks, credit cards, etc. My husband and I got married in our 30s so never combined accounts, and we each just pay whatever makes sense out of those accounts. He makes 2x what I do, so he naturally pays more of our expenses. So if I was facing the same summer situation, I would most likely book my own vacation with our child while he was gone. I would consider something like a resort or cruise that has a kid’s club so that I wasn’t on for parenting 24/7. If money in my own account was too tight, my husband would the one to encourage me to dip into our joint savings. Or he would book the flights on his credit card, or whatever we needed. He would support me in making it happen. Or maybe together we’d figure out some other plan like sending kiddo to camp while I got some personal projects done at home. Or I’d parent normally while he’s gone but then go off on my own trip later while he was solo parent. (We did that one last year, and it was his suggestion. He would have felt too guilty planning his boys’ trip otherwise.) The point is, marriage should be partners supporting each other’s needs. The reason people here are worked up is because your husband is not treating you as a partner when he refuses you and his young child a vacation while taking a long and extravagant one himself. You and your son have valid needs too, and he’s ignoring those needs. And there’s no partnership in the fact that he’s making the decision, alone, on behalf of you and your son. For most of us, the problem is not the fact that he’s spending time with his other kids and ex-wife without you. The problem is that he wants you and your child to just sit home all summer while he’s gone and he gives you no way to take independent steps toward a different plan. That control is what you should be thinking hard about in this situation. That’s the part that isn’t normal or healthy. |
Anonymous
Try 18. |
Anonymous
Who is the pedophile in this scenario? You lost me. |
Anonymous
| This has to be a troll. |