Son only cousin excluded from nephew's wedding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do as my father: he didn’t attend his granddaughter’s (my brother’s daughter) wedding because I was excluded.

I wouldn't go if its a family event and some of our family wasn't included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do as my father: he didn’t attend his granddaughter’s (my brother’s daughter) wedding because I was excluded.

I wouldn't go if its a family event and some of our family wasn't included.

We have only half the story here. Might be valid reasons to exclude a sibling.

[Anonymous]

People, it's 2026. No kids weddings are a thing. You can choose not to attend, but it's just inviting trouble to take things personally.

If I were OP, I would just ask the groom about logistics around childcare during the reception. Or not attend, but it seems silly to do that for a 9 y.o.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I traveled from Seattle to Princeton NJ for my first cousin's wedding. We actually lived together as kids for a few years. My mother had money, his did not, so we took them in so we were more like brothers than cousins

I only learned we werent invited to the rehearsal dinner about 3 hours before it started.

So, my wife and I traveled 2386 miles, and three time zones, to literally sit in our hotel room while the dinner went on.

We went to the wedding the next day and took the first flight back the next morning. I sent them some towels and never spoke to them again. That was 2000.

They did reach out about 6 or 7 years ago asking if their son could stay with us while touring UW. I never answered him.

This is incredibly sad to me. You ended a relationship with a cousin that you used to be close with just because their traditions around rehearsal dinners are different than yours?

In some families, the rehearsal dinner is for literally just the people in the wedding party. In other families, it includes specific categories of people, like siblings of the parents of the couple but not cousins or friends beyond the wedding party. In some families the expectation is you feed anyone who comes from out of town.

It seems like the couple just didn’t have the kind of rehearsal that included everyone from out of town. I can see how that would be a surprise if you expected it or a disappointment if you thought you’d be more appreciated for traveling that far…but to never speak to them again?????

I think back to mt first cousin’s wedding when I was in my 20s. She was really into wedding magazines and wedding etiquette and she had a huge gaggle of bridesmaids, not including me, which hurt my feelings a bit because one of her maternal first cousins was included. Their rehearsal dinner only included the bridal party and parents of the couple. But more than 10 of my uncles and aunts had flown in from out of the country, and then my dad heard that they weren’t all invited to the rehearsal, he was appalled that his brother (my uncle) had been so rude. My uncle, who was just going a long with what his wife and daughter said to do, which was what the bridal magazines said to do, only invited the people who were IN the rehearsal. So my dad ended up hosting a big dinner at another restaurant that night for all his siblings who had flown in from out of town.

It wasn’t a personal slight…it just was different expectations. Imagine if family stopped speaking over that!!!! As it was, we had a blast and I have great memories of our alt-rehearsal dinner. But if we had all taken it personally, we’d have missed out on decades of good memories at other big family occasions since then.

I hope you can reconcile with your cousin. That’s really sad.

Well sounds like cousin did not notice you went no contact because they never reached out to you after the wedding until they needed something. I would not have responded either as I don’t like freeloaders. But, they probably still don’t think you are no contact. It sounds like they really don’t care and that’s OK as some people come and go in different chapters of our lives.

[Anonymous]

It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

Then the OP can plan — and pay for — a family party. If that’s her priority, rather than getting miffed because her kid wasn’t invited to an expensive adult-focused event, she can plan a family reunion, or an anniversary party, or whatever she likes — on her own dime, with at least some kid-focused activities, and kid-friendly foods. Easy Peasy, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

doesn't sound like your family is that close if they wait until weddings to see each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 9. He has several cousins scattered around the country, with three living in Texas. My oldest nephew, who I am closest to, is getting married in June. The wedding is 16+. All the other cousins will be able to attend, except my son. I have given this nephew a lot of financial support and gifts in the past - probably 15k over the last ten years. Now, I don't even want to go to the wedding because my kid is the only one from my nephew's side of the family being excluded. Plus, if we travel for the wedding, we would have to find a sitter in a city far from home while everyone we know in the city is at the wedding.

I may be more sensitive to this because my son is an only child and I had hoped he would have strong ties with his cousins, though they are all a bit older than him. But now I want to just cut go no-contact with this nephew.

Am I overreacting? Should we go to the wedding and pretend we aren't offended? Should the value of the wedding gift reflect how upset I am?

I read a few pages of replies and I want to ask the people sticking by the age cutoff: if the groom or bride had a 9 yr old sibling, should they not include them or should they invite all the other little kids so they are not offended by the 9 yr old that they invited?

Not including close family bc of an age cutoff is dumb.

The only thing i can think of is that the bride and groom are total ifiots snd will hopefully outgrow their silliness, but it’ll be after the wedding of course.

A groom’s 9 year old first cousin is not remotely the same as a 9 year old sibling of the bride or groom. Come on, don’t be obtuse. I think you can have some kids invited but not all as long as people are being treated equally. Including under 18 siblings of the bride and groom is fine, but it is also fine to say no under 18 first cousins, kids of friends, etc.

I’m looking at the situation for what it is. It’s impossible that the bride and groom have 9 yr old first cousins galore. If they have such a large family with lots of first cousins then they’ll be one of those real tight kind of families. I don’t know how many ppl in the op’s generation, but if there are 4 extra per side with 3 kids each that is 24 first cousins. From these there can’t be that many under 16, so let’s say half = 12 under 16. That’s not that many ppl. Op should tell us how many under 16 are in the first cousin pool. If they’re not wanting to invite 2nd, 3rd, cousins, friends kids etc, it’s fine. Making a rule by age is stupid. The 9 yr old sibling example was an exaggeration yo illustrate how quickly an age based cutoff falls apart.

As op said she thought she was close with this nephew. Some of you think that $15k is nothing, and sure, it’s not exorbitant, and if you think that $15k is nothing then inviting some under 16s is not going to break your bank.

As op said, the affection and relationship is not the same on both sides.

How is it impossible for a couple in their 20’s to have a bunch of kids under 16 who’d go to their weddings if kids in general were included? They likely have peers who have kids by then, a certainly one side might have more first cousins than another. My wedding is a ridiculous extreme example, but my husband has literally zero first cousins (he has only one aunt and she was childless) while my mom was one of six and my dad was one of sixteen, so I have more than 50 first cousins. I can certainly see a couple having a handful on one side but 10-15 on the other side, plus kids of peers…that’s a LOT of kids.

Are you comparing first cousins to kids of peers?

If you’re the modern kind with no kids at weddings you’re not getting married in your 20s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

doesn't sound like your family is that close if they wait until weddings to see each other.

-1

[Anonymous]

If you were so close to your nephew, then he wouldn’t of excluded your son, most child free wedding aren’t child free. It seems rather pathetic to want to go no-contact,but still want to attend this wedding and give a bad gift. You’re not entitled to have your son attend this wedding. Don’t go.

[Anonymous]

OP, the youngest of your son’s cousins, at 16+, is now looking at colleges and developing skills that will lead to their independence as a young adult. Your son, in your own words, would apparently need a baby sitter in order to spend a few hours alone while you attend a nearby wedding.
While you might hope that the cousins would be close, brief interactions with each other at a wedding are probably not the most effective way to accomplish this.

I’d be curious to know what else you’ve done to support these relationships that you hope will develop over time — despite the older cousins being at very different developmental and life stages from your son. Do many of them live nearby? Is your home the “fun” house for holidays, cookouts, and family celebrations? If not, then it’s on you to maintain positive relationships with all of the cousins, in the hope that by the time your son is an adult— midway in age between his cousins and their children, he has the foundation that you’ve established in the extended family to develop independent relationships with his much older cousins.

tldr: Yes, you’re overreacting. You also don’t seem to have thought about what this experience will be like for your son — if you push to have him included in an activity planned for adults. Trying to use what should be a delightful gift to convey resentment might not effectively communicate what you’d like it to. It also won’t facilitate your goal of creating positive bonds with extended family members for your son. Note that I don’t think you needs to give an expensive gift — but if your gift is expected to convey your resentment and how offended you feel, this is not likely to support positive relationships between your son and his much older cousins. Instead, he’ll be not just the little kid — but the little kid with the messy, resentful mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

doesn't sound like your family is that close if they wait until weddings to see each other.

-1

You're just cheap then and wait for the marrying couple to get you all together? There's not many ways to interpret this. There are holidays and other milestones all year long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's sad that so many of you don't understand that these events are often how family see each other after long periods. Excluding the 9 year old could mean he wont see any kin for a decade.

If you see each other once in a decade, then obviously the relationships between relatives are not close. It stands out that some people think of other relatives' weddings as an opportunity to have a family reunion for THEIR kid. Seriously, arrange and pay for your own parties! Invite whomever you want to develop your relationships.

[Anonymous]

Drop these MoFo relatives who cannot accommodate one 9 yr old cousin. Don't go. Don't send a gift. Don't send a card. Don't host the bride and groom ever, not even for Christmas.

[Anonymous]

OP here one last time, then signing off - we have decided we are not going. We will send something around $200 from the registry. If our son had been included, we would have given a check for several thousand. I don't plan on going no contact, but I am wondering if giving a gift significantly less generous than what is probably expected of me will create problems, anyhow.

Also, for all those talking about how I wasn't that generous - it was 15k over about10 years, not 15 years, and 12k of it was over a two-year period for college.