Reply to About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me. [/quote]

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly![/quote]
This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom? [/quote]

I’m the PP who said I often retreat to my room during my MILs visits. Do you really think I have never argued or stood up to my MiL in over 25 yrs?? When I was younger that is always how I reacted - it would amount to a huge blow up and upset everyone around us, and 5 minutes later she’d be back to the exact - same - behavior. She never changes, she gaslights and involves everyone else in the drama, and she thrives on all of this. My MiL is clinically mentally ill - narcissist maybe? I am no psychologist.

The older my kids got, the more I realized I do not want to model that constantly fighting behavior for them. Neither I nor they view my bedroom retreats as “cowering,” but they did view my screaming matches with their grandmother with tears especially since MiL lives for drama and always, always drags them and my spouse into any disagreement and puts them in the middle.

I treat MiL like the child she is. As I now have teens, I can say that sometimes when they are acting irrational, it is best to step away rather than engage. That is exactly
how I deal with my MiL.

Again, unless you have someone like this in your life, you do not get it. I never would have until I married into it. [/quote]

OP here - I too have tried every possible strategy and in the end had to choose between ending the marriage or continuing the struggle. At this point, I mostly just want to get some limits back on the visits. It messes with my mental stability that she shows up with no notice, and I never know when she is leaving, or when she will be back. She lives overseas, but spends months to years at a time here, using us as a kind of free base hotel. I can't even get a straight answer from her when I ask outright what her plans are. Part of that is language, but part seems to be that she actually doesn't plan anything and just nomads about with her latest whim. [/quote]

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