About to Jump Off a Ledge Over Upcoming MIL Visit, Please Talk Me Down

[Anonymous]

I deal with a mentally ill bully sibling, and I’ve found it’s best to speak up.

You can find strategies online for dealing with the criticisms. The strategies go beyond remaining quiet. There are some smart people out there that have perfected how to deal with these kinds of people.

And your DH needs to grow a pair and be your partner instead of letting his mom squash him like a bug.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I deal with a mentally ill bully sibling, and I’ve found it’s best to speak up.

You can find strategies online for dealing with the criticisms. The strategies go beyond remaining quiet. There are some smart people out there that have perfected how to deal with these kinds of people.

And your DH needs to grow a pair and be your partner instead of letting his mom squash him like a bug.

She can't control her dh. Why do people keep blaming her for his inaction. She needs to separate from him at the very least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:[/b]

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar MIL (and DH). I spend a lot of time in my room when MiL is visiting (she thinks I am a lazy being who goes to bed early and gets up late). I lock my door when I am in my room (and tell my kids to knock and I’ll let them in). I ignore as much as I can but yes I am seething at the end of day 1 much less the entire 2 week visit. Mine doesnt drive so she is dependent on me/us to pick up foods etc so I dont buy foods she cooks other than for a couple of nights of her visit. I commiserate, OP.

Why don’t you stand up to your MIL?

People who make these kinds of comments probably have not had the joy of dealing with these types of women.

So your response is, "it's just too difficult?" OK, cower in your room. Just pathetic.

I’ve had more than 25 years of dealing with this. MIL is pushy, demanding and controlling. She gaslights or goes on the offensive when one calls her out on her behavior. That often turns into ugly arguments and stress for everyone including my kids. So yes, I do prefer to take time for myself in an area of the house that MIL can’t enter versus exposing my kids and myself to that environment.

The option I could take is to divorce DH, because as much as he, too, isn’t happy when his mother is around, he like everyone around her was raised to give in to her demands. But I have no reason to want to do that other than these MIL visits. I’d rather spend that time dealing in a way that lets me not get so triggered, doesn’t expose my kids to ugly behavior, and keeps my marriage intact.

In my professional life I’m an assertive litigator. In my personal life I’m an equal partner and strong parental figure. My MIL would wear down anyone, and it is easy to judge from the outside (especially if you don’t have people like her in your life).

When I first met my MIL, I believed that her odd behavior was because of cultural differences. Some twenty five years later, I now understand that she has borderline personality disorder and that the things she says and does are considered bizarre even within her own culture. One facet of borderline personality is that they LOVE a big, messy, dramatic confrontation and unfortunately standing up to such people just gives them one. I am going to be visiting my MIL shortly for her big birthday celebration (turning 80). I fully anticipate that she will say cruel things to me and that I will have the choice of responding and defending myself and getting a big, ugly messy confrtation which she would enjoy immensely, or taking the criticism. I have been thinking about a new technique, in which she says cruel, hurtful things and I say something like "I'm worried about you. Sometimes elderly people say really inappropriate things. Have you been examined by a doctor recently?" Maybe OP could try something like that, implying that the bizarre behaior is due to dementia or something like that. "Moving the furniture in someone else's house? Maybe she doesn't know where she is is." "MIL, you are NOT at YOUR HOME. Do you know what day it is? Who is the president?" That could be fun!

OP here. A lot of MIL's ideas come from her culture, but even among her family she is considered difficult, and some of them even say she's "crazy." I don't know her culture well, but I think she is trying to enforce cultural norms which are outdated even in her country. You are spot on about the big ugly confrontations. That does not work to my advantage, since that makes her quite happy and she would never back down. I tried it early in our relationship. The result was that I actually left DH for a short time, before we had children, and only came back after he promised his mother would never come to stay with us again. He kept the promise up until recently. However, she's not very elderly (oh, how I wish she were), and her poor English means any comment I make has to be repeated and explained six times, and she still doesn't get it, so subtle insults have little effect.

Why didn't you mention this earlier? Either you are embarrassed by posters saying that you are too passive or you are a troll making up details to keep the sympathy flowing.

[Anonymous]

I completely relate to this - even the part about sitting in the car. FIL died then MIL started staying with us indefinitely, even though she doesn't even live far away. She had caused me a lot of stress in the past: same thing - would go in my room, find my laundry and start washing and folding my underwear - even if she was here for just a few hours and I asked her not to. She would take over my kitchen, turn the tv up super loud, put her meds all over kitchen counter, there was no privacy and she won't go to bed until DH goes to bed. If he's up til midnight so is she.

After 6 months of this and a lot of egregious things that I'm not going to mention here, I explained to DH that we had a good marriage, but it was going to be ruined now, over this. I dropped the rope. He deals with her and visits are negotiated in advance with definite start and end points. She rarely comes over now. Sometimes, I start to wonder if I should feel bad, then I remember how she acted for the last 20 years, and all the things she did regardless of my verbal requests and feelings - and it's just rude - I can't imagine acting similarly. It's interesting that my own mother is really good at respecting boundaries and MIL ignores boundaries. Your husband might be more receptive to a conversation about this than you think. Maybe he's annoyed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar MIL (and DH). I spend a lot of time in my room when MiL is visiting (she thinks I am a lazy being who goes to bed early and gets up late). I lock my door when I am in my room (and tell my kids to knock and I’ll let them in). I ignore as much as I can but yes I am seething at the end of day 1 much less the entire 2 week visit. Mine doesnt drive so she is dependent on me/us to pick up foods etc so I dont buy foods she cooks other than for a couple of nights of her visit. I commiserate, OP.

Why don’t you stand up to your MIL?

People who make these kinds of comments probably have not had the joy of dealing with these types of women.

So your response is, "it's just too difficult?" OK, cower in your room. Just pathetic.

I’ve had more than 25 years of dealing with this. MIL is pushy, demanding and controlling. She gaslights or goes on the offensive when one calls her out on her behavior. That often turns into ugly arguments and stress for everyone including my kids. So yes, I do prefer to take time for myself in an area of the house that MIL can’t enter versus exposing my kids and myself to that environment.

The option I could take is to divorce DH, because as much as he, too, isn’t happy when his mother is around, he like everyone around her was raised to give in to her demands. But I have no reason to want to do that other than these MIL visits. I’d rather spend that time dealing in a way that lets me not get so triggered, doesn’t expose my kids to ugly behavior, and keeps my marriage intact.

In my professional life I’m an assertive litigator. In my personal life I’m an equal partner and strong parental figure. My MIL would wear down anyone, and it is easy to judge from the outside (especially if you don’t have people like her in your life).

Assuming that you are the OP (it would help if you could identify yourself as such), you must realize how unacceptable this behavior is in the United States. It is beyond me why "an assertive litigator" cannot defend her sanity. People are going to call "troll" on you being "an assertive litigator". However, if it is true, that must give you an idea of how crazy your own enabling behavior is.

And the passive aggressiveness is also quite undignified.

What kind of crazy, backwoods culture are you from?

I'm OP and that was a different poster, although even I thought for a moment I had written it! I'm not a litigator, though, although I'm not considered passive aggressive or passive at all in the work world. And yes, it's a backwoods culture. I'm not going to say which one and bring all kinds of hate down onto a whole group of people, just because my MIL sucks.

Here's part of the problem, OP - it isn't just that your MIL sucks. You husband sucks, and sad to say, so do you. And you are teaching your kids to suck too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a similar MIL (and DH). I spend a lot of time in my room when MiL is visiting (she thinks I am a lazy being who goes to bed early and gets up late). I lock my door when I am in my room (and tell my kids to knock and I’ll let them in). I ignore as much as I can but yes I am seething at the end of day 1 much less the entire 2 week visit. Mine doesnt drive so she is dependent on me/us to pick up foods etc so I dont buy foods she cooks other than for a couple of nights of her visit. I commiserate, OP.

Why don’t you stand up to your MIL?

People who make these kinds of comments probably have not had the joy of dealing with these types of women.

So your response is, "it's just too difficult?" OK, cower in your room. Just pathetic.

I’ve had more than 25 years of dealing with this. MIL is pushy, demanding and controlling. She gaslights or goes on the offensive when one calls her out on her behavior. That often turns into ugly arguments and stress for everyone including my kids. So yes, I do prefer to take time for myself in an area of the house that MIL can’t enter versus exposing my kids and myself to that environment.

The option I could take is to divorce DH, because as much as he, too, isn’t happy when his mother is around, he like everyone around her was raised to give in to her demands. But I have no reason to want to do that other than these MIL visits. I’d rather spend that time dealing in a way that lets me not get so triggered, doesn’t expose my kids to ugly behavior, and keeps my marriage intact.

In my professional life I’m an assertive litigator. In my personal life I’m an equal partner and strong parental figure. My MIL would wear down anyone, and it is easy to judge from the outside (especially if you don’t have people like her in your life).

It is impossible to understand how you can write what you wrote and still have this view of yourself. Your kids see you cower in your room, and you think they see you as a strong parental figure? Your MIL terrorizes you, and you think you're an equal partner?

Delusion at its finest.

You are responding to a DP and not OP (I'm OP). I can't imagine what the kid thinks, since normally I'm the one in charge around here. I don't know if I'm equal, though. Feels more like I just have more of the burden.

I didn't think you were the OP - I was responding to the two previous posts, in which you said you cower in your room when your MIL visits. You're just as pathetic as the OP.

[Anonymous]

I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

[Anonymous]

Take your daughter and go on a nice trip while MIL is here. Lock your closet door. Your husband can enjoy his time with his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

[Anonymous]

OP - PP that can relate. Invite your mom to stay for awhile. I did that too then DH realized he wouldn't want to put up with my mom for weeks either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an overbearing MIL and thankfully by husband does stand up to her. But she still visits but I’m not afraid to stand up for myself and get loud toward her. I personally would start the argument with my husband bc he needs to defend you or at least make sure MIL doesn’t mess with your stuff. That’s just basic manners and respect. And I would be afraid to
start an argument with my MIL in front of my family. But that’s just me.

Meant to say wouldn’t* be afraid to start an argument - sorry for the typo! I was livid for you reading your post and responding too quickly!

This is how I feel too. Why is everyone so afraid of their MILs? You marry into a family. I wouldn't tolerate this shit from my mom, why would I tolerate it from my partners mom?

I hear you and it took me too long to understand this. The MIL thinks she is entitled to act however she wants and relies on the hierarchy of respect and etiquette she thinks the DIL will follow. Most of us are polite and keep putting up with it because she is an elder and due some leeway. MILs know all this.

[Anonymous]

Tell your husband no. It's unreasonable. You shouldn't have to live like that. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you book a local Airbnb for you and your child for the duration of her visit?

So instead of staying IN HER OWN HOUSE, OP should pay thousands of dollars to stay somewhere else? Tell her husband and his mom to go get an Air BnB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you book a local Airbnb for you and your child for the duration of her visit?

So instead of staying IN HER OWN HOUSE, OP should pay thousands of dollars to stay somewhere else? Tell her husband and his mom to go get an Air BnB.

+1. That's running away.