Be honest- what do you think about women who are content to be just wives and mothers?

[Anonymous]

I don't work because I'd rather be birding. I love being with my kids but I look forward to them leaving to college. I suspect if it wasn't birding I'd still manage to find something I'd rather do like skiing, camping or travel. Years ago I had major issues being self conscious about how I was perceived being a sahm among very few (in my neighborhood). I realized the world doesn't end when people think poorly of you and it was freeing to get into all my hobbies full throttle. My kids don't have the same passions as me but we respect each other's choices and I encourage them when they love doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here are my thoughts:
1. on sending kids to college and then they choose not to work - For people like me, college didn't provide actual work skills, but it did open a door so that jobs would be provided to me. Arguing that they "aren't using what you paid for" is baseless. You pay for college because it opens doors - for jobs and socio-economic opportunity. That includes pair-bonding opportunities.
2. Most jobs are pointless air-sucks - people dissing on SAHM act like they are all saving the world with their stupid jobs. Most jobs, not all jobs, do not add that much value to the world. They may add value to YOUR life, but if your industry disappeared tomorrow, our species wouldn't be at risk.
3. A life spent outside or inside of work can be well spent, or it can be wasted. See how that works?!

I agree with all of this.

I'm a SAHM and DH is a big law partner, and one of the things I love most about him is that he fully acknowledges the fundamental pointlessness of his job. He knows that he isn't contributing much to society and genuinely believes that family and relationships are the most important parts of life and stretches himself to be an involved dad and partner. He thinks it's hilarious when people think what they do is is more important than SAHMs, unless they are pediatric oncologists or something. But he also acknowledges that he gets a lot of satisfaction out of his job because of the good relationships he has made at work and the feeling of competence he gets when he does a job well. He doesn't exactly want me to go back to work because life will be more stressful when I do, but he knows I need those emotional benefits a job provides.

Also, I find it so impressive when people are able to get the emotional benefits of a job without having a job. I know what I need to do to be happy: do things that make me feel competent and that are rewarding, maintain friendships, etc. but I do not have the internal motivation to do it. I definitely can challenge myself intellectually on my own but for everything else I need the external motivation and I can't wait to go back to work even though it'll have its own set of sucky challenges.

[Anonymous]

It's OK for others to have different priorities and judgments and half the time I think those types are a bit trashy so why worry about their opinion. They don't worry about mine!
Plus, it's always the most judging type you (and everyone else) want to spend the least time with so avoid them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

As a parent, my job is to provide education, opportunities and back up security plan. I would support their decision and prioritize their happiness over mine or society's expectations. Education isn't just about securing a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

My CEO sister’s husband is the stay at home dad to two kids and I am a stay at home mom with two kids to my busy law firm partner husband. My sister judges me for being SAH and then boasts about her amazing husband ) who “does so much for the family” ….
For some reason it’s cool and respectable to be a man who raises the kids but not for a woman. And no one whispers about what will her husband do when they are 50 and divorced ….

This has not been our experience AT ALL. Granted, we now have teens, but my husband stayed home when my kids were young and was routinely excluded and shunned. I genuinely hope things have changed in the intervening decade, because people sure were unfriendly and judgmental (in our blue NOVA suburb).

The reality is that as a SAHM, I’m not going to invite a SAHD over to my house to have the little ones play while my husband is at work. I just never felt like it was appropriate. I was always friendly to the SAHDs I knew out at the playground or library and certainly didn’t shun them, but the relationship was never going to move beyond that - just a reality of male-female dynamics. I do have close guy friends from college that my husband has known for years and we have good couple friends. I wouldn’t want my husband hanging out with another woman at her house during working hours either, frankly.

I get this and I wear a hijab so even mores but I always made it point to facilitate hanging out in public places- the park, rec center, local ice cream shop etc so that the sahd/single dads didnt feel excluded. And if I was having a bunch of moms over- what difference does one/2 guys make? Maybe I feel strongly abut being flexible in order to be inclusive b/c being practicing Muslims in NE DC , it's really hard, ppl thoughtlessly exclude us, I find it hard that when the family get together, we are not invited but when its just the stay at home parents, I'm part of the 'clique', I dont know why this is but it has made me sensitive to being more inclusive when it could me being the excluding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends HOW they do it. My mother was a SAHM and our house was always dirty and she was always laying on the couch in her nightgown watching soaps and talk shows when I came home. It wasn't some super clean house with cookies fresh from the oven after school. She never made me breakfast. She never decorated the house for any holidays. She often "forgot" to take anything out to defrost for dinner and we scrambled to pull together a meal.

So someone like that, I don't feel good. A friend of mine is a SAHM and she gets dressed each morning when her kids do, makes them breakfast, makes their lunches with them, keeps up the house, is always arranging play dates, does holiday decor, makes homemade treats for her kids to pass out to their classes for their birthdays, invites people over spontaneously, etc. She's a great SAHM. She treats it like a full time job.

I do all that and I work, so am I a superhuman (yes, yes we are).

So to you it is a contest?

I think the point is that not every stay home mom is all that good. Not every working. Mom is all that bad.

You can’t look at these things in generalities.

That is not what your "superhuman" comment suggests.

I'm the pp who wrote the superhuman thing, not the pp who wrote about generalities. but that is a big part of the point--that you can't break working parents and saph's into binaries, with the former doing nothing with family and the latter doing it all. the other point is that all of those parental tasks and working (for pay or otherwise) is hard, and props to all of the parents out there just giving it their best. whatever their arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s great for them - if it works out. It makes women very vulnerable to abuse and the lack of continuing education over the years can take its toll. I also think that if the woman doesn’t build up a life outside her kids enough, she can end up being one of those overbearing needy mothers kids end up hating, despite mothering being her main role in life.

[Anonymous]

Yes, infant and toddler periods are important but 10-18 yr period is crucial formative and bonding years. If one or both parent CAN and WANT to stay home or go part time, it really helps with everyone's mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, infant and toddler periods are important but 10-18 yr period is crucial formative and bonding years. If one or both parent CAN and WANT to stay home or go part time, it really helps with everyone's mental health.

It helps to be at home when they are not. Things that make your go “hmm”.

Personally I like the honesty of the birdwatcher.

[Anonymous]

My kids are in school full time and I don’t work because I don’t want to and thankfully don’t have to.

I don’t really care what anyone besides my husband (who pays for our lifestyle) thinks of it. And his exact words on this subject and others related to me are “happy wife, happy life.” Which suits me just fine.

Girls, get yourself a husband who thinks similarly: all he wants for the woman he loves is to be happy and fulfilled in whatever form that takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

26% of mothers choose to stay at home, meaning only 74% of women are opting for the workforce, yet the numbers in most professions are nearing 50/50, when arguably it should be closer to 41/59. Women are outpacing men in college numbers (and 44 percent of tenure-track faculty members and 36 percent of full professors are women). 42% of all U.S. businesses are run by women, though the Fortune 1000 CEO percentage still sucks (just over 10%). 40+% of lawyers are women. In DC, almost half of the doctors are women, and 38% of doctors nationally are women. Those are not 1950s statistics.

No one is forced to stay at home by society, but you think women should be forced to work? Why would you force your daughter to make a choice that didn't follow her heart and what she might feel is best for her family?

In any case, you probably don't have to worry because it seem unlikely that our daughters' generation will have the luxury of making that choice. It's beginning to look more and more like our daughters are not the ones at risk. More and more men are dropping out of college (only 40% are men to begin with, and 40% of those men report that they have considered dropping out) and the workforce (7.2 million men aged 25-54 have dropped out of the workforce). The next big challenge for our daughters is going to be that instead of being forced to stay at home, many of them will no longer even have that option because there won't be enough men able to contribute to a stable family financial situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great for them - if it works out. It makes women very vulnerable to abuse and the lack of continuing education over the years can take its toll. I also think that if the woman doesn’t build up a life outside her kids enough, she can end up being one of those overbearing needy mothers kids end up hating, despite mothering being her main role in life.

I see you have met my mother-in-law. Overbearing, needy, depressed, and not even her grandkids want to be around her. She's needed a job for decades. She's a cautionary tale, truly.

[Anonymous]

I personally think it's great. To me, the point of the feminist movement was to give women more choices. The choice to have a career, the choice to have a vocation, the choice to work PT out of the house and PT supporting their family. And, also, the choice to stay home and fully support their family.

To me, it would be antithetical to restrict them from the option to stay home and support their family. The whole point was that women should have the choice from all the choices. To scorn women for not working out of the house is the converse to what used to be the attitude and is no more healthy, IMHO, than scorning women for not staying home.

Women should have all choices available to them and we should not look down on those who choose a more traditional family role.

[Anonymous]

I'm fine with it except in two scenarios, both of which I have experienced:

1) Calling yourself CEO of Smith Household on social media, Linkedin or in person
2) Telling moms with childcare you stay home because you don't want someone else raising your children.