Be honest- what do you think about women who are content to be just wives and mothers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

lol by who? My husband? You know that your assumption that this is the case says more about YOUR marriage than mine right?

Maybe I have a “unicorn” husband. But I know for a fact that my H loves me, adores me, and thinks very highly of my intellect because he tells me these things every day and, just as importantly, shows me through his actions. We’ve been married for 20 years and together for 25. He’s not going anywhere.

And even if he did, I’d be fine financially because we’d split our assets 50/50 and I’d walk with several million dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends HOW they do it. My mother was a SAHM and our house was always dirty and she was always laying on the couch in her nightgown watching soaps and talk shows when I came home. It wasn't some super clean house with cookies fresh from the oven after school. She never made me breakfast. She never decorated the house for any holidays. She often "forgot" to take anything out to defrost for dinner and we scrambled to pull together a meal.

So someone like that, I don't feel good. A friend of mine is a SAHM and she gets dressed each morning when her kids do, makes them breakfast, makes their lunches with them, keeps up the house, is always arranging play dates, does holiday decor, makes homemade treats for her kids to pass out to their classes for their birthdays, invites people over spontaneously, etc. She's a great SAHM. She treats it like a full time job.

I'm married to one. She's amazing. She gets up at 4:20, at the gym by 5:15. While she's gone I get up and make breakfast, get the kids ready for the day. She returns from the gym, I go to work, she starts teaching the kids. Takes them to ski club (where she volunteers), swim, etc. Yeah, I know, we have 4 kids and homeschool so DCUM thinks we're wacko extremists. But really, public school sucks, Catholic school was meh, with homeschooling there are now more options than there are at most schools. All 4 kids have some live online classes, in-home piano lessons, math tutoring from a local engineering student, etc.

Obviously I'm the breadwinner but I try to keep it to 40 hours so I can help with meals, weeknight activities, etc.

Our perspective is that her time is so valuable that we can't afford for her to work elsewhere. I know I'm being annoying by bragging on her, but it definitely works for us and I think more people would be happy doing this if they could get over the perceived social stigma.

Sounds like Brooke Raybould's husband is on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids are in school full time and I don’t work because I don’t want to and thankfully don’t have to.

I don’t really care what anyone besides my husband (who pays for our lifestyle) thinks of it. And his exact words on this subject and others related to me are “happy wife, happy life.” Which suits me just fine.

Girls, get yourself a husband who thinks similarly: all he wants for the woman he loves is to be happy and fulfilled in whatever form that takes.

+1

It’s the husbands on these scenarios who are the real problem. Men who think they have the right to veto their wives’ spending or keep them from doing things they want to do?

Anyone who uses money as power in their marriage is an ass and not worthy of being married. Don’t marry an ass and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, infant and toddler periods are important but 10-18 yr period is crucial formative and bonding years. If one or both parent CAN and WANT to stay home or go part time, it really helps with everyone's mental health.

It helps to be at home when they are not. Things that make your go “hmm”.

Personally I like the honesty of the birdwatcher.

Part time so you can get work and chores done and really relaxed and present when they come back, not distracted, stressed, tired and annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

Right now it’s really hard for SAHMs because we are in a transition phase with alimony. In the past women married to high earners could depend on it, and some women don’t understand that the courts often providing that anymore.

I am a SAHM and I have financial assets my husband doesn’t have access to. Not as secure as an actual job but it’s plenty to live on for a while as I figured things out. Continuing to work isn’t the only way to retain optionality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

I understand that you want this to be true, and that it’s what you tell yourself. But it just isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

I concede there are abusive relationships and there always will be (whether you work or not). My comment was about society's expectations and inability to have a job because you are a women -- its not 1950 anymore, and they don't throw you a goodbye party at work when you announce your engagement.

[Anonymous]

We need to educate our daughters AND sons to become AND find partners who can build a family together. Not rigid 50-50 or 0-100 partners but fluid families where everyone's interests and needs are respected and common good is the goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

Right now it’s really hard for SAHMs because we are in a transition phase with alimony. In the past women married to high earners could depend on it, and some women don’t understand that the courts often providing that anymore.

I am a SAHM and I have financial assets my husband doesn’t have access to. Not as secure as an actual job but it’s plenty to live on for a while as I figured things out. Continuing to work isn’t the only way to retain optionality.

Same. I'm a lawyer, and I SAH now. I didn't make this choice lightly or without having a financial plan in place. I also feel I am contributing far more to the world now, though I am not earning an income anymore, and I'm certainly more fulfilled in the work I am doing. It is also work I am proud of, as are my kids and spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When kids are little and not at school, no judgement. After kids are in school, I think k there choices to not work and make their own money are keeping us in the 1950s and I resent them for it.

People who can afford not to work today are nothing at all like the women prohibited or discouraged from working in the 1950s, and one woman's choice in 2024 to do something other than earn money as someone's employee has zero impact on you and your choices. So how exactly is that woman "keeping us in the 1950s"? What do you actually resent?

You live in a bubble or with your head in the sand if you think there are not women being held back by men to make them dependent on him so they have no say and no options.

and your head is in the sand if you think there are no sah women who are sah of their own desire and volition and who are married to partners who happily provide and appreciate her contributions.

I didn't say that unicorns don't exist, they do, it's just not the norm and acting like all women have choice and are only home because they have a loving supportive husband who will not divorce them, abuse them, cheat on them, become an alcoholic, become disabled, or die and even if those things happen will have millions of $ to let them live forever never needing to work or open a go fund me page... you are categorically wrong.

I've watched it happen, over and over and over.

honestly, this. say it louder. financial stability can disappear in a heartbeat, even if you think it will never happen with you. even if they don't leave you, the sahm almost always gets treated in a slightly dependent, slightly disempowered way. optionality is always more diminished, relative to the working spouse. and it may not be enough to create a "real" problem (though I consider not having optionality a real problem)... until it does.

I understand that you want this to be true, and that it’s what you tell yourself. But it just isn’t.

+1 Not my experience or that of any of the women I know. I'm sure it happens though. Even women who work can be treated as dependent and disempowered by ar$ehole, controlling spouses, and for many of them divorce tends to go very poorly after years of emotional abuse. (I'm not sure what PP means by optionality in this context; perhaps a different word was intended.)

[Anonymous]

I admire them. There's nothing better than feeling content with the life you live. Happiness is different for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

Life happens. She could have gotten all that education and had an accident or other disability that forced her out of the workplace. The education is formative and beneficial regardless of what you do with it in the years to come.

As for other women in the workforce - only if that’s what they choose to do. It’s all about choices and freedom. You don’t owe other women a career.

But we do. and that kind of thinking is why/how women keep holding other women back. it's the war of which SAHM has it better, WOHM stepping on other women to get ahead instead of helping others achieve.

You dont need a college education to stay home. Save your parents the money and do your part to marry well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, infant and toddler periods are important but 10-18 yr period is crucial formative and bonding years. If one or both parent CAN and WANT to stay home or go part time, it really helps with everyone's mental health.

I’m
It helps to be at home when they are not. Things that make your go “hmm”.

Personally I like the honesty of the birdwatcher.

Part time so you can get work and chores done and really relaxed and present when they come back, not distracted, stressed, tired and annoyed.

Lol

[Anonymous]

I'm always confused by the black and white thinking of this questions - unless we're talking about women who marry and stay home immediately, even SAHMs usually have careers.

I had a great 15 year career prior to SAH

I now largely stay at home (do a little consulting to stay connected so I have options down the road)

Even If I stay home until by youngest is off to college, I will hopefully have another 15+ healthy years. My parents (who are 71) both have hobbies that make an income / contribute to their community at this part of their life. i'd expect the same

So even if I stay home with kids the entire time they're growing up, thats still 30+ years out in the world doing things to contribute, paid or otherwise. And yet this question wants to define my entire life by just what I do with 2 decades of it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good for them! Hope it works out.

This. But if it were my daughter I would be privately disappointed after spending so much money on sending her to college and then to not work professionally. I could have saved that money in my retirement instead and retired earlier. I do believe that the world needs more women in the workforce, especially in leadership roles and science, to change the status quo for all women.

As a parent, my job is to provide education, opportunities and back up security plan. I would support their decision and prioritize their happiness over mine or society's expectations. Education isn't just about securing a job.

Are you their back-up security plan if they don't marry well and/or don't go to college and get a good job afterwards?