DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

This subthread has somehow gone anti-patriarchy, but the original start of it was just one woman saying that even though she might not always want to have sex with her normal-libido husband, she does this in order to have a happy monogamous marriage. If she doesn’t do this, she’s choosing to let her husband decide whether their relationship becomes unhappy, non-monogamous, or unmarried. Men should no longer expect to think of women as sex workers without adverse consequences, but women shouldn’t expect to deny sex in marriage without an expectation of some consequence from that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?

You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8


If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

+1 feels like an ice pick is being shoved up my V sometimes.

No electricity or batteries in the house? Did you cut out his tongue?

Men want intimacy, many just don’t know how to request discuss non PIV intimacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?

You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8


If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.

Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?

You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8


If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.

Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement).

I think there are plenty of comments around here that are way too dismissive of the importance of sex in a marriage; but, even so, this is not how marriages work. I get that you think that this is only fair. But, it's still not how marriages work. A woman is entitled to say "no" for a night, a week, a month, or the rest of her life. She doesn't have to announce a grand plan for long term sexlessness -- maybe she doesn't even know that's what is going to happen. (Although, if she just decides not to talk about it, she has to know that the the quality of the marriage will degrade and really shouldn't express surprise if it ends.) That said, fair or unfair, if a spouse is going to go outside the marriage without talking about it, he or she is a cheater. This is a betrayal. The honorable thing to do is 1) express your dissatisfaction and try to reach a compromise; 2) if #1 doesn't work and you want to try to open up your marriage, have a conversation with your spouse about it; and 3) if your spouse is unwilling to sanction an open marriage and you are unwilling to continue living without sex, get a divorce.

I know all of that is a rehash of stuff that's been said a million times before, but I guess I felt compelled to make it a million and one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

+1 feels like an ice pick is being shoved up my V sometimes.

No electricity or batteries in the house? Did you cut out his tongue?

Men want intimacy, many just don’t know how to request discuss non PIV intimacy.

his tongue and fingers aren't don't do a great job. I can get myself off better than he can.

We still have sex because, yes, I love my DH, and I know he wants the intimacy, but quite frankly, if I want a good O, I do it myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

If only it were this easy. This is pretty dismissive of women who want to want sex with their husbands but just don't. They love their husbands, think he is a great person, have average stress loads, and enjoyed the sex life they had. Long term marriage, aging, and hormone levels make their libidos flat line. Nothing to do with the quality of the husband, and the wife feels terrible about it.

And here you are, painting a picture that leaves these women looking like freaks and oddities. But this is a depressingly common scenario.

[Anonymous]

When you cough, do you fart or pee on yourself?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

If only it were this easy. This is pretty dismissive of women who want to want sex with their husbands but just don't. They love their husbands, think he is a great person, have average stress loads, and enjoyed the sex life they had. Long term marriage, aging, and hormone levels make their libidos flat line. Nothing to do with the quality of the husband, and the wife feels terrible about it.

And here you are, painting a picture that leaves these women looking like freaks and oddities. But this is a depressingly common scenario.

Yes many of the men commenting here are gross.
They really want women for only one thing.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

so should a wife treat duty sex like cleaning the dishes?

PSA: sex is a special category. Only prostitutes see it as a commodity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

If only it were this easy. This is pretty dismissive of women who want to want sex with their husbands but just don't. They love their husbands, think he is a great person, have average stress loads, and enjoyed the sex life they had. Long term marriage, aging, and hormone levels make their libidos flat line. Nothing to do with the quality of the husband, and the wife feels terrible about it.

And here you are, painting a picture that leaves these women looking like freaks and oddities. But this is a depressingly common scenario.

PP here.. I'm 53. My libido has tanked. I still would want the intimacy, but I would want the sex more if the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

If only it were this easy. This is pretty dismissive of women who want to want sex with their husbands but just don't. They love their husbands, think he is a great person, have average stress loads, and enjoyed the sex life they had. Long term marriage, aging, and hormone levels make their libidos flat line. Nothing to do with the quality of the husband, and the wife feels terrible about it.

And here you are, painting a picture that leaves these women looking like freaks and oddities. But this is a depressingly common scenario.

Yes many of the men commenting here are gross.
They really want women for only one thing.

I’m a woman, and this seems like a bizarre statement to make in the context of a long term marriage.

Yes, the guys who are trying to find women thirty years younger than themselves on the dating apps are gross. But the OP doesn’t seem gross. He seems sad.