DW doesn’t understand how a sexless marriage effects me

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?

You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8


If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.

I actually don’t think that’s fine. If playing tennis together was a big part of the reason you got married and a big part of your marriage, then saying that you aren’t going to play anymore is kind of a jerk move.
Maybe you don’t play as much or you aren’t as competitive or whatever, but you should still suck it up, put a smile on your face, and play sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I loved the act of sex when we met and when we married. Then I enjoyed it a little less but I knew my husband wanted and needed it. So we somehow made it work. Then my husband started doing things that made me lose respect for him. It got harder and harder to do the maintenance sex when he walked away from his job and made some really bad financial mistakes. The things that we found attractive in each other when we met were no longer there. He saw me as a sexual being and I saw him as a powerful provider. It was definitely a transactional relationship at the core. We shared other things in common and enjoyed each others company but I’ll be honest I would not have found him as attractive if he wasn’t as successful and he wouldn’t have like me as much if I was not sexual. I’m being totally honest. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

You think men are astral projecting themselves to the ballet?

You know what I mean.. being "present" at a ballet doesn't require him using his body as a sexual instrument.

I hate the ballet, fwiw.

Why is sex some kind of special other activity?
Have you seen the YouTube video about tea and consent?
It’s like that.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oQbei5JGiT8


If your husband is an otherwise good guy, and he really wants you to drink tea sometimes, shouldn’t you drink it? I mean, if the kind he usually makes causes you to vomit, then ask for a different kind of tea or maybe even coffee. If he isn’t okay with that, then I agree he’s a jerk. But most men are. They just want to drink a hot beverage with you sometimes!

I love this video, but it really only works for situations like young people hooking up. The thing about tea is that you can have a satisfying cup of tea by yourself. If you want a more appropriate analog for sex in marriage, it would be something more like playing tennis. If you’ve been playing tennis together and then your partner doesn’t want to play tennis anymore, fine, they should be able to make that choice, but then you should be free to play tennis with someone else. Asserting bodily autonomy to justify not having sex is reasonable as long as you don’t try to deny your partner the bodily autonomy of having sex with someone else instead.

Exactly. A spouse is free to opt out of sex (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement). Their partner is then free to opt out of monogamy (WITHOUT needing up front mutual agreement).

I think there are plenty of comments around here that are way too dismissive of the importance of sex in a marriage; but, even so, this is not how marriages work. I get that you think that this is only fair. But, it's still not how marriages work. A woman is entitled to say "no" for a night, a week, a month, or the rest of her life. She doesn't have to announce a grand plan for long term sexlessness -- maybe she doesn't even know that's what is going to happen. (Although, if she just decides not to talk about it, she has to know that the the quality of the marriage will degrade and really shouldn't express surprise if it ends.) That said, fair or unfair, if a spouse is going to go outside the marriage without talking about it, he or she is a cheater. This is a betrayal. The honorable thing to do is 1) express your dissatisfaction and try to reach a compromise; 2) if #1 doesn't work and you want to try to open up your marriage, have a conversation with your spouse about it; and 3) if your spouse is unwilling to sanction an open marriage and you are unwilling to continue living without sex, get a divorce.

I know all of that is a rehash of stuff that's been said a million times before, but I guess I felt compelled to make it a million and one.

Where did I ever suggest not talking about it? “I have decided to open our marriage. Don’t wait up for me Friday night.” This is totally sufficient. Not betrayal and not cheating. The sexless spouse is now free to divorce (but why would they since sex is so unimportant).

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

[Anonymous]

I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

so should a wife treat duty sex like cleaning the dishes?

PSA: sex is a special category. Only prostitutes see it as a commodity.

Incorrect. It's a commodity, and it's built into the marriage contract. If he's doing his part, you do yours. Y'all complain a lot about nothing.

I will concede that making sex sacred in the eyes of your skyfriend may have messed some of you up, but you can go to therapy about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

What are you considering unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

What are you considering unreasonable?

I don’t want to hijack this thread and also don’t want to be explicit. It’s subtle stuff but it adds up. It’s like he wants to push my limits.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, once she hits 30 days without cooperating in sex, she’s de facto opened the relationship.

Agree 100% you have our permission now go out and get laid! She wants to be your room mate treat her as such.

ultimatums really don't work. I guess you are both ok with divorcing.

Know what else doesn’t work? Status quo sexless marriage. Why would they divorce?!? She’s perfectly content and once he’s found a girlfriend or 2 on the side their marriage will be perfect. Another sexless marriage saved by outsourcing.

Famous last words, right before you get served with divorce papers.

Mature adults who take marriage seriously do not divorce over trivial unimportant things. His wife says sex is not important: so no big deal when he does that unimportant thing with other women.

He doesn’t want his daughter to see him as a gross cheater. So he has to…not cheat. Can’t get everything you want all the time.

His wife has opted out of the sex part of marriage which means "cheating" no longer exists. What kind of sick family are you in where your kids know details about your sex life (or lack thereof)?!?

When they divorce because OP cheats, his daughter will find out he cheated. His OP says he doesn’t want his daughter to see him like that, so that option is unavailable to him.

…and no, his daughter will not care about his sad sad sex life when he wrecks her childhood home.

OP doesn’t need to divorce if he cheats. Many families turn a blind eye. It would certainly be an expectation for a wife who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. Outsource and have a pleasant life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

This. Also tend to get bladder infections really easily now, over 60. Weekly bj now, much easier. I have a friend same age who told me she does the same. My sex drive has also pretty much left me in the past couple of years, so I’m happy to do this.

My bladder infection issue was finally solved and sex is fun again. I dreaded sex bc i used to get infection every single time. Look up "biofilm". I also find water based lube best. It really helps TBH that my husband is cognizant to finish in a reasonable time (10 mins].

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

so should a wife treat duty sex like cleaning the dishes?

PSA: sex is a special category. Only prostitutes see it as a commodity.

Not like cleaning the dishes, but like him hosting a party with her friends or buying tickets to the ballet or knowing who all of the Real Housewives are. It’s something you do for your spouse because you love them and want to show them you value them and care about the things they care about. I mean, yeah, if your husband is a jerk and never does the things that are important to you, then forget him. But most men are good guys.


Also, Everything is a commodity if you are being paid to do it, including washing the dishes. That doesn’t mean that you are treating it that way when you do it in your own home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I struggle with this too. My DH is divorcing me because I have lost interest in sex. I am trying to figure out how we will tell our two teenagers why we are splitting up. They don’t know yet. It is the only reason we are breaking up. We’ve tried to make it work but he has very unrealistic sexual demands that I can’t accommodate. And yes he has changed over the years. He was not as demanding in the early years. I sometimes wonder if porn is the reason because he’s become more and more aggressive with what he wants and needs sexually. I have to leave.

What are you considering unreasonable?

I don’t want to hijack this thread and also don’t want to be explicit. It’s subtle stuff but it adds up. It’s like he wants to push my limits.

You can still say it without being explicit

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

so should a wife treat duty sex like cleaning the dishes?

PSA: sex is a special category. Only prostitutes see it as a commodity.

Incorrect. It's a commodity, and it's built into the marriage contract. If he's doing his part, you do yours. Y'all complain a lot about nothing.

I will concede that making sex sacred in the eyes of your skyfriend may have messed some of you up, but you can go to therapy about that.

and that's why the marriage starts to fall apart.

And wtf to the bolded.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I hate these posts. I don’t want to sound like a “pick me” girl but unless your husband is abusive, very selfish, or possesses some major personality flaw, just have sex! I lost my libido while breastfeeding and I’m chronically tired from a toddler that doesn’t sleep still but I make sure I have sex 1x a week at minimum which is usually all I manage at this point. Men aren’t horny teens for wanting a basic human desire. So I’m sorry you are in a sexless marriage and you shouldn’t have to compromise on that point if you are a decent husband. Start marriage counseling and work towards adding it back into your routines (because that is what is becomes for a lot of women in middle age).

Just wait. You too may hit a point where not only do you have zero libido, but sex shreds the tissue paper thin skin of your menopausal body into a bloody wounds, such that walking, sitting, urinating, showering and pretty much everything hurts for a week after, then what? Let him do that to you routinely? Where is the mutual love and respect in a marriage that would allow that abuse?

This! I never thought intimacy would be so terribly painful, but at 60, that is how it is.

I thought I would pass out from the pain the last time.

And yes I have been to the doctor. And tried lube and drugs.

You’re doing it wrong. Sex is pleasurable, NOT painful. Stop doing things that hurt. Only do things that feel good. Change your definition of “sex” accordingly.

I cannot believe I actually have to give somebody such completely obvious advice.

Ha. Did you go to history class? Women undergoing pain for a man’s pleasure or convenience is a practically a baseline expectation, so telling a woman not to do it isn’t obvious, it’s revolutionary.

Don't be a martyr. You can both do a lot of things with tongues and mouths and hands. There's a big gap between, on the one hand, having to endure painful PiV because of the patriarchy and, on the other hand, living the rest of your life in celibacy because that particular sex act doesn't work for you anymore.

So "servicing" a petulant man. And what is he doing for her?

Going to the ballet, looking at furniture, going out on dates, throwing parties and spending time with her friends, talking about Real Housewives.

My parents and their friends are in their 60’s. There is a lot that men do for women that they don’t want to do. I hope these men are getting occasional blowjobs.

none of those things those men do for their women require their physical bodies.

If you think a woman should service a man without her being into it, then how is that any different than what a prostitute does?

I don’t know. Are we suddenly hating on sex workers now?

IDK, are we equating sex workers with wives? Seems like some men think so.

Lots of women are both, and I guess there I some overlap. I feel like this is like asking if we are equating moms with preschool teachers. Maybe, in some ways, but obviously they are not the same thing. Some of the day to day might be the same, but one is an occupation, and the other is a relationship. What does this have to do with anything?

we got here because some men believe that women should still put out, let the men use their bodies for sex, even if the women aren't into it.

And a man who compares the above to a man going to a ballet because the wife likes it is someone who is using his little head to think rather than his big head.

PSA to men: most wives will want sex with you if they find you attractive, don't resent you, aren't stressed , and you are great in bed.

That was me who compared a man going to the ballet when he doesn’t feel like it to a woman giving a blowjob or happy ending massage when she doesn’t feel like it.

I’m not a man. I just think it’s ridiculous to put sex in some special category of activity within the context of a long term marriage.

so should a wife treat duty sex like cleaning the dishes?

PSA: sex is a special category. Only prostitutes see it as a commodity.

Not like cleaning the dishes, but like him hosting a party with her friends or buying tickets to the ballet or knowing who all of the Real Housewives are. It’s something you do for your spouse because you love them and want to show them you value them and care about the things they care about. I mean, yeah, if your husband is a jerk and never does the things that are important to you, then forget him. But most men are good guys.


Also, Everything is a commodity if you are being paid to do it, including washing the dishes. That doesn’t mean that you are treating it that way when you do it in your own home.

please.. buying tickets to the ballet? That would be more equivalent to the wife buying tickets to a football game and going with him even though she doesn't really enjoy it.

Sex is altogether different.

I can't believe you cannot see that.

If the spouse isn't feeling it, tired, stressed, or resents the spouse, you think they should still put out? Once again.. it's like being a prostitute.

[Anonymous]

A lot of women lose interest in sex at perimenopause and menopause. Sometimes it's just temporary and comes back once hormones level out. You need to figure out why she doesn't want sex OP.