I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

He thought a SAHP gig was easy and is only doing his imaginary version of it. He was sorely naive too.

Watching the kid while doing none of the other stuff is being a babysitter, not a parent.

A parent notices when shoes are getting to small and orders new ones. A babysitter doesn't. A parent sorts and cleans out broken, soiled or outgrown toys or clothes. A babysitter just puts them back. A parent thinks about exposing their kid to new foods and making sure they're providing a healthy diet. A babysitter feeds the kid whatever is in the fridge. A babysitter keeps the kid safe and alive. A parents reads to the kid and teaches them things.

OP, if your isn't acting like a parent but a babysitter, you'll have trouble getting him to understand what he isn't doing. I've been there.

[Anonymous]

OP, I’m picking up on a lot of resentment towards not just the DH but also your child. You keep referring to your son as “the kid.” Over and over again. Do you have any affection for this child, or is he just another item clogging the to do list. A lot of us are busy parents. Most of us don’t refer to our child as THE KID.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

He thought a SAHP gig was easy and is only doing his imaginary version of it. He was sorely naive too.

He works 45 hours a week. Your comment makes zero sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

Not good. Being a parent is a "take your work home with you job." It doesn't stop because the kid just ate or went down for a nap. He and you need to manage all that MANAGING and PLANNING and MENTAL LOAD stuff better. Better splitting it up, doing some together, debriefing, etc. What would happen if you had to travel or were in the hospital for a month? You'd ahve to write out a daily and weekly schedule and pre-buy $hit for him? He should know his kid's needs and house well enough to do it himself at least half of the time. SOunds like he doesnt and makes up excuses like he did some manual task and is done. He is quite naive about life. I guess he's enabled and everything magically appears for his child and him. Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

He thought a SAHP gig was easy and is only doing his imaginary version of it. He was sorely naive too.

Watching the kid while doing none of the other stuff is being a babysitter, not a parent.

A parent notices when shoes are getting to small and orders new ones. A babysitter doesn't. A parent sorts and cleans out broken, soiled or outgrown toys or clothes. A babysitter just puts them back. A parent thinks about exposing their kid to new foods and making sure they're providing a healthy diet. A babysitter feeds the kid whatever is in the fridge. A babysitter keeps the kid safe and alive. A parents reads to the kid and teaches them things.

OP, if your isn't acting like a parent but a babysitter, you'll have trouble getting him to understand what he isn't doing. I've been there.

True. Same here. What did you do? Did your kid just age out of needing so much, and you taught them to be more independent and vocal to Dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

Vehicle oil changes, lawn care, household repairs - has nothing to do with primary childcare. I’m a SAHM and I don’t do all that stuff.

You two need to sit down and really divide up these tasks equitably. But suggesting that they should all default to him is unfair.

Sounds like he doesn't do the house maintenance and care either. So more stuff on the breadwinner and mental load parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

Don't minimize what that daily part is though. Daycare dropoff in the AM and pickup, dinner, bath, bedtime. At toddler age that is super consuming stuff and it's exhausting. A lot of this "mental load" / ordering things online is stuff most ppl do while listening in on a work conference call. Some of the stuff you list is very occasional and a little kid doesn't need classes or curated toys.

Great then he can do half of it. get him going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you should be running yourselves ragged between 7:30pm and 10:30pm. You guys should align on the bare minimum to be fine before bed and make it equitable. For most, it might be put the leftover food away and run the dishwasher.

Then, you need to talk about a weekend schedule. No one gets twelve hours off from parenting during the weekend. But really, isn’t this kid napping 3-4 hours a day? That is a good time to relax. And then figure out a plan of who does what on the weekends.

But, I also get the sense that you want to both make your own baby food and work 60 hours a week — and that just isn’t ever going to work without you being pissed off all the time. You have to drop the rope on some things.

+1

Very true. Also OP it only gets crazier from here. Some things get easier as kids grow, but eventually there will be school/homework to manage in the evenings, activities to drive kid to etc, birthday parties, and kids who are mobile make actually messes that need to be cleaned up. And naps go away. You are actually in one of the easier stages of parenting IME...

Right, plus grade school hours are 9-3:30, not 8-5:30 as with daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’m picking up on a lot of resentment towards not just the DH but also your child. You keep referring to your son as “the kid.” Over and over again. Do you have any affection for this child, or is he just another item clogging the to do list. A lot of us are busy parents. Most of us don’t refer to our child as THE KID.

+1 noticed the same and really jarring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

Don't minimize what that daily part is though. Daycare dropoff in the AM and pickup, dinner, bath, bedtime. At toddler age that is super consuming stuff and it's exhausting. A lot of this "mental load" / ordering things online is stuff most ppl do while listening in on a work conference call. Some of the stuff you list is very occasional and a little kid doesn't need classes or curated toys.

Great then he can do half of it. get him going.

It sounds like she is working late every night and Dad is doing everything after work/weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

Vehicle oil changes, lawn care, household repairs - has nothing to do with primary childcare. I’m a SAHM and I don’t do all that stuff.

You two need to sit down and really divide up these tasks equitably. But suggesting that they should all default to him is unfair.

Sounds like he doesn't do the house maintenance and care either. So more stuff on the breadwinner and mental load parent.

OP isn't doing it either. Be real. She isn't even home taking care of her child. She has a little one in day care so its not like she's finding a new day care every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

He thought a SAHP gig was easy and is only doing his imaginary version of it. He was sorely naive too.

Watching the kid while doing none of the other stuff is being a babysitter, not a parent.

A parent notices when shoes are getting to small and orders new ones. A babysitter doesn't. A parent sorts and cleans out broken, soiled or outgrown toys or clothes. A babysitter just puts them back. A parent thinks about exposing their kid to new foods and making sure they're providing a healthy diet. A babysitter feeds the kid whatever is in the fridge. A babysitter keeps the kid safe and alive. A parents reads to the kid and teaches them things.

OP, if your isn't acting like a parent but a babysitter, you'll have trouble getting him to understand what he isn't doing. I've been there.

Excellent and true point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

Don't minimize what that daily part is though. Daycare dropoff in the AM and pickup, dinner, bath, bedtime. At toddler age that is super consuming stuff and it's exhausting. A lot of this "mental load" / ordering things online is stuff most ppl do while listening in on a work conference call. Some of the stuff you list is very occasional and a little kid doesn't need classes or curated toys.

Great then he can do half of it. get him going.

It sounds like she is working late every night and Dad is doing everything after work/weekends.

She was clear she does 2 weekdays and he does 4. Plus he’s just check the box transactional. Then does Me Time after 7:30pm. Wait until his kid goes to bed at 9pm, what’s he gonna do for 3rd and 4th grade?

[Anonymous]

I think OP is angry because her DH is making less money than her. It is hard to respect a low/no earner husband.

As a wife, I can be unemploted/underemployed and it does not faze my DH.

[Anonymous]

Neither of these losers should have had a kid. If he was spending hours gaming pre-kid, jokes on you if you thought he’d change. If he wasn’t pulling his weight before, why did you just ignore it.

You two sound like a mess.