I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP is angry because her DH is making less money than her. It is hard to respect a low/no earner husband.

As a wife, I can be unemploted/underemployed and it does not faze my DH.

Really the reverse mysogeny in this thread!!!

[Anonymous]

OP I just divorced someone like your husband who after 15 years decided to seek validation outside the marriage. I simplified his life as much as possible and he wasn't even the default parent and still it didn't work partly because it wasn't simple enough. He needed a very simple life almost as if he wasn't married and no planning, no extras. Just basic routine each day. Either lower your standards or simplify his life and be ok with the role he can provide. It's only going to get worse. His parents won't understand because they see him as stepping up from what men used to do and will take his side even in infidelity. His family literally told me they knew about the infidelity and said "so what" as if it meant nothing. This was a strict catholic family. I can't guarantee he won't stray but pushing him into doing more is not going to end well.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I think you are working too much. After you will retire, somebody else will fill your position no matter how uo you are in your career. ‘the kid’ will be your child forever and you will be his/her only mom

[Anonymous]

OP. Make sure your husband is working the hours he wants to work and hire out the rest. Spend time as a couple. You already know men aren't cut out for this stuff. He likes the fun stuff not the work. There are men who leave their one year olds and ride off into the sunset. Enjoy him for what he can provide and if you get your act together and the kids maybe he will step up or at least there will be less fighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I think you are working too much. After you will retire, somebody else will fill your position no matter how uo you are in your career. ‘the kid’ will be your child forever and you will be his/her only mom

this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. Make sure your husband is working the hours he wants to work and hire out the rest. Spend time as a couple. You already know men aren't cut out for this stuff. He likes the fun stuff not the work. There are men who leave their one year olds and ride off into the sunset. Enjoy him for what he can provide and if you get your act together and the kids maybe he will step up or at least there will be less fighting.

Re-read the OP. He's not just doing fun stuff like outings. He is doing that entirety of morning and evening childcare all weekdays. That post-work to bedtime routine is a lot. And mornings too. Brining gender stereotypes into this is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Make sure your husband is working the hours he wants to work and hire out the rest. Spend time as a couple. You already know men aren't cut out for this stuff. He likes the fun stuff not the work. There are men who leave their one year olds and ride off into the sunset. Enjoy him for what he can provide and if you get your act together and the kids maybe he will step up or at least there will be less fighting.

Re-read the OP. He's not just doing fun stuff like outings. He is doing that entirety of morning and evening childcare all weekdays. That post-work to bedtime routine is a lot. And mornings too. Brining gender stereotypes into this is ridiculous.

But it's all routine. Its all stuff he's comfortable with. The man doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone and make a mistake anywhere. He wants to feel useful doing simple stuff. This is a guy who can handle simple stuff. Not complex stuff. I enjoy doing laundry sometimes because it's simple. I don't have to worry a lot about it. Fun might be the wrong word. He wants to not have stress raising children though his time with them working or during down time.

[Anonymous]

Op, I was kind of like your Dh. I worked less hours. I did 90% of drop off and pick up.

I was a lousy cook and cleaner. I hate doing dishes. Unlike you, Dh was not resentful. We just hired more help. Then our weekends didn’t have to be about cleaning, meal prepping and laundry. We both got some alone time.

Another difference was when we had only one child, we both WANTED to hang out with the baby as much as possible. We both worked a lot so we wanted to see and hang out with our son as much as possible. I would get a mani pedi and get brunch with friends. Dh would occasionally watch a football game with friends. We mostly hung out with our baby because we wanted to.

[Anonymous]

Pp here. I just wanted to add that in my experience, the activities are mostly handled by the mom no matter what their job is. I realize that your Dh works less and earns less. I’m sure there are many moms who work equal or more to you who also handle all the administrative and activities.

One mom I knew was a sahm who went back to work and handed off the kid activities to the dad. The dad is a senior executive at a huge company. He was super pushy and it made me not want to book anything with him. Moms often coordinate sports, activities, play dates and summer activities. When the dad handled it, he would follow up multiple times in an impatient manner. I also felt like he was bossy and demanding when discussing carpool. It really turned me off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. Make sure your husband is working the hours he wants to work and hire out the rest. Spend time as a couple. You already know men aren't cut out for this stuff. He likes the fun stuff not the work. There are men who leave their one year olds and ride off into the sunset. Enjoy him for what he can provide and if you get your act together and the kids maybe he will step up or at least there will be less fighting.

Re-read the OP. He's not just doing fun stuff like outings. He is doing that entirety of morning and evening childcare all weekdays. That post-work to bedtime routine is a lot. And mornings too. Brining gender stereotypes into this is ridiculous.

But it's all routine. Its all stuff he's comfortable with. The man doesn't want to get out of his comfort zone and make a mistake anywhere. He wants to feel useful doing simple stuff. This is a guy who can handle simple stuff. Not complex stuff. I enjoy doing laundry sometimes because it's simple. I don't have to worry a lot about it. Fun might be the wrong word. He wants to not have stress raising children though his time with them working or during down time.

Totally disagree that providing all the weekday childcare of a toddler is "simple." That age is full of resistance and tantrums and a lot of "parenting" to make it come together each day.

Lmao at the comparison to laundry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here. I just wanted to add that in my experience, the activities are mostly handled by the mom no matter what their job is. I realize that your Dh works less and earns less. I’m sure there are many moms who work equal or more to you who also handle all the administrative and activities.

One mom I knew was a sahm who went back to work and handed off the kid activities to the dad. The dad is a senior executive at a huge company. He was super pushy and it made me not want to book anything with him. Moms often coordinate sports, activities, play dates and summer activities. When the dad handled it, he would follow up multiple times in an impatient manner. I also felt like he was bossy and demanding when discussing carpool. It really turned me off.

He was probably this way because he is used to bossing people around as a sr exec.

My DH would not be bossy discussing carpool; he's rather too accommodating, but then he's just a lowly individual contributor.

Even if you give the dad the responsibility, it seems many still halfa$$ it. Too many men operate on a "bare minimum effort" when it comes to dealing with the family and housechores.

[Anonymous]

OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You have a super weird relationship. You need to get couples therapy about division of labor. How did this work before you had a child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP

Here’s a fresh example from tonight. I need to work late.

I texted him and asked if after the toddler goes to bed / or before, he can throw a load of laundry in the wash and then dryer. I said we would then fold it together when I come home.

He said he can’t because he’s arranging the groceries delivered today so he does not want to do two tasks.

You have a super weird relationship. You need to get couples therapy about division of labor. How did this work before you had a child?

Op: much better because neither of us did much.

[Anonymous]

Try to cut your hours down to 40 or less, if possible. 60 is TOO MUCH when you have young kids. We women think we can be everything to everyone, but I learned the hard way. Burnt out, got the t-shirt. And it sounds like your husband has stepped up about as much as he is capable of.

I think one parent can be a workaholic, but only if the other parent stays at home. Things suffer otherwise.