I was so naive re marriage, career and kids

[Anonymous]

Instead of sending your child to daycare, you should get a full time nanny and part time preschool.

I had 2 kids but I used to have a nanny who cooked for us. She also would tidy up the toys and did the dishes. We had a separate housekeeper to clean the whole house.

[Anonymous]

OP I like the nanny idea. Is this possible for you? Also, do you have other household help (cleaners etc) and how often?

The truth is : your husband is already doing more than most (and I did not say ALL) husbands/fathers do. A woman/mom might get suckered into the role you are describing (work FT, do all weekday childcare alone after daycare, then do house chores until 9/10pm) but no man is going to do that LOL. Your DH is not going to do that role, so forget it. Your choices here are really (1) hire more help, as people have described (2) cut back your work hours even if it includes a corresponding pay decrease (3) suck it up and run yourself ragged doing it all OR (4) accept total chaos, things not getting done etc and know it isn’t forever. I know a few families with a SAHD (or ones where dad works PT flex and is point person for kids/house)....those lucky moms are few and far between. The rest of us have options 1-4 as described above, and figure out the deal when the first kid comes along. You are not the first- and won’t be last- to be frustrated by this but It is the way it goes. Sorry.

It may not feel fair to you, (and probably is not). but Expecting your DH to do any more than he is, is a total losing battle and will just wreck your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

[Anonymous]

Neither of you should be running yourselves ragged between 7:30pm and 10:30pm. You guys should align on the bare minimum to be fine before bed and make it equitable. For most, it might be put the leftover food away and run the dishwasher.

Then, you need to talk about a weekend schedule. No one gets twelve hours off from parenting during the weekend. But really, isn’t this kid napping 3-4 hours a day? That is a good time to relax. And then figure out a plan of who does what on the weekends.

But, I also get the sense that you want to both make your own baby food and work 60 hours a week — and that just isn’t ever going to work without you being pissed off all the time. You have to drop the rope on some things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband really wanted kids. He assured me would be the primarily caregiver.

I am very focused on my career and wrk long hours.

He assured me that he would be happy to be the primary caregiver

Now this has called a lot of resentment.

He does do drop off and pick up in 75% of cases.

But he does none of the cooking, admin, finding daycare, applying for passport, etc.

He thinks I should do that because I do less of the direct care.

If I need to work on the weekend, I have to hire a babysitter so that he can play video games. He can’t handle more than 3 hours taking care of a toddler.

I work 60 hours a week and he works 45 hours a week.

I have no free time.

He has plenty.

Love the baby and I like my career.

Our marriage is strained because we fight about childcare and tasks all the time.

I thought that it’s possible for a guy to be the main caretaker.

Was naive.

Marriages work much better when they follow traditional gender roles, except for a few circumstances. But that’s the exception not the rule.

Unfortunately I make more than he does so I cannot step back.

I am exhausted and resentful of him.

This sucks. Seek parental counseling to get him onboard and and delegate things you can to grandparents or hired help. Don't have another kid until both of you are ready or better be one and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you should be running yourselves ragged between 7:30pm and 10:30pm. You guys should align on the bare minimum to be fine before bed and make it equitable. For most, it might be put the leftover food away and run the dishwasher.

Then, you need to talk about a weekend schedule. No one gets twelve hours off from parenting during the weekend. But really, isn’t this kid napping 3-4 hours a day? That is a good time to relax. And then figure out a plan of who does what on the weekends.

But, I also get the sense that you want to both make your own baby food and work 60 hours a week — and that just isn’t ever going to work without you being pissed off all the time. You have to drop the rope on some things.

+1

Very true. Also OP it only gets crazier from here. Some things get easier as kids grow, but eventually there will be school/homework to manage in the evenings, activities to drive kid to etc, birthday parties, and kids who are mobile make actually messes that need to be cleaned up. And naps go away. You are actually in one of the easier stages of parenting IME...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you should be running yourselves ragged between 7:30pm and 10:30pm. You guys should align on the bare minimum to be fine before bed and make it equitable. For most, it might be put the leftover food away and run the dishwasher.

Then, you need to talk about a weekend schedule. No one gets twelve hours off from parenting during the weekend. But really, isn’t this kid napping 3-4 hours a day? That is a good time to relax. And then figure out a plan of who does what on the weekends.

But, I also get the sense that you want to both make your own baby food and work 60 hours a week — and that just isn’t ever going to work without you being pissed off all the time. You have to drop the rope on some things.

Op: the kid is almost 2 so he has 1 nap. I cook for the kid 3 times a week while watching the kid. It’s not that difficult TBH.

He does not want to reduce his kid free time over the weekend. He says he needs it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

Vehicle oil changes, lawn care, household repairs - has nothing to do with primary childcare. I’m a SAHM and I don’t do all that stuff.

You two need to sit down and really divide up these tasks equitably. But suggesting that they should all default to him is unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Neither of you should be running yourselves ragged between 7:30pm and 10:30pm. You guys should align on the bare minimum to be fine before bed and make it equitable. For most, it might be put the leftover food away and run the dishwasher.

Then, you need to talk about a weekend schedule. No one gets twelve hours off from parenting during the weekend. But really, isn’t this kid napping 3-4 hours a day? That is a good time to relax. And then figure out a plan of who does what on the weekends.

But, I also get the sense that you want to both make your own baby food and work 60 hours a week — and that just isn’t ever going to work without you being pissed off all the time. You have to drop the rope on some things.

Op: the kid is almost 2 so he has 1 nap. I cook for the kid 3 times a week while watching the kid. It’s not that difficult TBH.

He does not want to reduce his kid free time over the weekend. He says he needs it.

I don’t see how this is a problem though, since you’ve made clear you want hands on child time during the weekend. To me the more important problem is that the two of you don’t do anything together as a married couple, and rarely spend time together as a family. It’s like you are two childcare providers that pass by one another as you end your shifts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you hiring the baby sitter? Can he just hire one himself?

Tho honestly I’d throw the video game system away. If he’s neglecting his kids because of it, it’s gotta go.

He plays every day!

No different than guys who watch sports 24-7 or golf all day on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

OP: thank you. You get it. I do ALL of that stuff. My husband says that because he does the direct childcare for 2.5 hours a day a few days a week (I do two evenings a week), he does not need to do anything like that. He also believes that these do not amount to childcare.

He thought a SAHP gig was easy and is only doing his imaginary version of it. He was sorely naive too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are all naive about those things, dear. It's baptism by fire. You don't know what you're in for until you're in it.

Yes but they both parents need to step up.

I think the rub here is OPs spouse agreed to be primary parent yet only wants to do daily execution stuff like feed child dinner and bedtime early.

Who checks the clothing sizes, car seats, age appropriate toys or classes or day care, or books, or dr appts, or family trips and social calendar, or schools, or the household stuff like food or paper products, vehicle oil changes, lawn or landscape maintenance, household repairs, etc.? The parent working with clients 60 hours a day or the 40-45 hour flex job parent who volunteered to be Primary Parent, or both and what’s the split?

Don't minimize what that daily part is though. Daycare dropoff in the AM and pickup, dinner, bath, bedtime. At toddler age that is super consuming stuff and it's exhausting. A lot of this "mental load" / ordering things online is stuff most ppl do while listening in on a work conference call. Some of the stuff you list is very occasional and a little kid doesn't need classes or curated toys.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Misogyny goes both ways. If you were a man, people would be calling you out on this but since you're a woman and the vast majority of people on his board are women who have taken a second seat to their spouse, they'll agree with you.

I have your ideal husband, OP. I work more and make more money, we are equal partners in home-making and childcare. There are some areas that are my strengths and I can manage with my schedule (I'm the organized one - I am responsible for the financials, childcare things like finding and ensuring payment for camps, after care, classes, finding service people for things like broken heater), and others that are better for his strengths and his schedule (cooking, yardwork, kids drop off/pick up, homework help, etc.), and yet other things we both hate doing but split or hire out (cleaning is a big one, fixing things, etc.).

You can do two things - you can sit here and continue to complain yet do nothing, or you can try to make a change (if talking to him doesn't work, then couples therapy might).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s a sad state of affairs that we expect a couple to work 105 combined hours per week and have time to raise a kid. Work is the bigger problem here.

OP exactly my point. The myth of the career woman is oversold. You can definitely either make it super big or have a good but not amazing career and have a good marriage.but a really good career usually works out if it’s the man.

Misogyny goes both ways. If you were a man, people would be calling you out on this but since you're a woman and the vast majority of people on his board are women who have taken a second seat to their spouse, they'll agree with you.

I have your ideal husband, OP. I work more and make more money, we are equal partners in home-making and childcare. There are some areas that are my strengths and I can manage with my schedule (I'm the organized one - I am responsible for the financials, childcare things like finding and ensuring payment for camps, after care, classes, finding service people for things like broken heater), and others that are better for his strengths and his schedule (cooking, yardwork, kids drop off/pick up, homework help, etc.), and yet other things we both hate doing but split or hire out (cleaning is a big one, fixing things, etc.).

You can do two things - you can sit here and continue to complain yet do nothing, or you can try to make a change (if talking to him doesn't work, then couples therapy might).

PP here - I'll add that I am well aware that the hands on stuff takes longer and sometimes feels like more work. Most of what I listed above that I do can be done while I'm multi-tasking.