Paying for dates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I always insisted on splitting the check, but I have found I’m an outlier. Sadly, even those who offer (I had to truly insist) will still expect you to pay. And lots of women will never go out with you again if you don’t.

I think it’s crappy, but it’s the reality.

I am a 50+ yrs woman and I have always paid for myself when I was single.

Here is what I taught my now 20-something single DD -
- Always pay for your share on a date. Allowing any man to pay for your meal is a privilege you should bestow only to a person who has earned it. Also, it cheapens you to have a person you are not interested in to pay for you in any way.
- Takes your own car/arrange for your own transportation.
- First two dates should be low-key (grab a coffee, share a pizza), in public places in the daytime, for some casual and fun activity (concerts, plays, games) etc.
- There is no rule that says "sex on third date". Sex happens only when both people are ready or it is ok for it to not happen for a long time. Many men think that paying for a date entitles them to some sexual favors from a woman.
- Your parents can very comfortably afford to fund your meals, social life and normal student lifestyle. So use that privilege and keep yourself and your self-esteem protected. Do not be beholden to anyone and do not take that mental burden on yourself.

DD remains our responsibility until she is herself financially emancipated and settled in a good career.

BTW...DD also approved of this. Once she is asked on a date, she very quickly tells the person that she will agree only if they can go dutch. And most men agree. As it is, she is only going out to low cost dates the first few times and it does not break her bank either. Surprisingly, she sometimes goes for several of these low cost dutch dates with the same person (it takes her that much time to figure out if she is interested) before she will agree to a nice dinner that the guy pays for etc.

She does not wait for the man to tell her to split the bill during or after the date. That would be really awkward and she will probably never go out with such a boorish person again. She errs on the side of thinking that the men are well brought up and chivalrous and would want to pay, and so she tells them that to go dutch is her idea, before accepting the date. It lets the men off the hook. There are a million little things that she is watching out for in a man, so, if he pays for the date is not what she is judging him on.

Also, she feels that her paying for her own share in a graceful manner actually makes the men respect her more. Even the dates that did not work out, the man did not have any ill-will for her and they remained friendly acquaintances. No one likes to be taken advantage of - men or women. One last thing. Not everyone had parents who bankroll them as we do our DD. Most of these men are working jobs in college to make money. It is usually hard earned money for college and other expenses. My DD should not think that she has some sort of dibs on their earnings just because she is a female.

Impressed by how well thought out this is. What did you teach your DD to look for on the first few dates?

This was for college dating for DD. It is a bit different because never will you have this collection of young, attractive, single, ready to mingle, adults available 24/7 again in your life.

My tips were -

- Date extensively. If a person asks you for a date and you don't think he is a creep, say "yes" to at least go out for coffee.

- Make plans quickly and decisively for 1st introductory date. Don't say "Sure, we can go out 5 days from now for dinner". Instead, schedule the first date ASAP. "Sure, I would love to grab a coffee with you. Want to meet after 2 hours? We can meet at xyz after I am done with my classes?" It is more natural and organic, it calms everyone's jitters and does not hype up the event, and you don't have to have a huge time committment.

- Arrange your day and week. In college there are lots of events happening every hour. So, when someone asked you out, tell them your plans and ask them to join you. (Tuesday? Sure. I am going for xyz performance, why don't you join me?). Even if the date is a dud, you have not wasted your time and have enjoyed some activity. You also don't sound too needy or the sad sack who has nothing better to do. Best is that you can embed a friendly face or two in the crowd if you are not sure about your date, and have an out if need be.

- Seek out new experiences. Be open to experience something that the date suggests. He could be into paragliding or attending comic cons, or or something and if you haven't experienced that. at least try it once with that person, and learn as much as you can about that activity. That way, you become a more informed person and get a better understanding of what you may like yourself. It also teaches you to be more flexible and allows you to meet more people.

- Meet the person in different surroundings - it is ok to have several such casual dates with the same person, but meet in different surroundings and with different groups of people each time, so you have a good idea to observe them and understand how they are.

- Do they do the right thing? - spending time with them allows you to see their thought process. Do they make good decisions? Are they thoughtful? Are they warm people? What is their world view? How interested are they in your thoughts and opinions? How do they communicate? Are they going somewhere in life? How do they structure their life to get balance? Who are their friends? Do they talk about their family? Are they open to diversity?

- If you did not like them at all in a romantic way, do not accept another one-on-one date. - don't drag it out by giving mixed signals. Don't mistreat them. Be firm about not being interested but be polite. Paying your share on the dates , and not being sexual or physical with them for the first few dates - helps you in turning them down after the first or a few dates because you did not set up any romantic expectation.

- Remember, your dud date may have single friends who could be potential romantic interests. Learn to expand your circle. You may not jive with your date, but if you remain friendly and polite, there is a great chance that they will not bad mouth you and you may get to meet and know their friends. A big no-no is to start flirting with someone else when you are on a date with a dud date. Show some class and don't make the person feel like a chump.

- Acknowledge people you have gone on a date with when you bump into them. A cheerful "Hey, how are ya?" and a friendly smile, fist bump or a hug is just good manners and cancels out any awkwardness, jealously or ill-feeling.

FWIW - Even though DD pays for her share, it would be very presumptuous for a man to say "I would like to date you. Lets go dutch". That is not going to go down well. I think the old rule about whoever asks for the date, pays for both of them, is right. But, it is ok to do the low cost, meeting for coffee and drink first date(s), and it is ok for the other party to offer/insist to share costs in a tactful way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a man and for first date I like to go dutch so that I get an idea that she is interested in meeting me as well.

She is there isn’t she? What are her options if you don’t pick up the check? She pays or gets arrested. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

I would just write this one off as a valuable lesson learned.

Why would you feel used? Her kids urged her to try OLD. Maybe if she was a 45yo and hot, you would have sympathized with her more. You may have tried to be her friend with possibility of sex or relationship or friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

I would just write this one off as a valuable lesson learned.

Why would you feel used? Her kids urged her to try OLD. Maybe if she was a 45yo and hot, you would have sympathized with her more. You may have tried to be her friend with possibility of sex or relationship or friendship.

He could have found all of this out if he had asked better questions and was more inquisitive while they were texting. Truth is, he’s a dud himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

I would just write this one off as a valuable lesson learned.

Why would you feel used? Her kids urged her to try OLD. Maybe if she was a 45yo and hot, you would have sympathized with her more. You may have tried to be her friend with possibility of sex or relationship or friendship.

He could have found all of this out if he had asked better questions and was more inquisitive while they were texting. Truth is, he’s a dud himself.

DCUM: always the man's fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

I would just write this one off as a valuable lesson learned.

Why would you feel used? Her kids urged her to try OLD. Maybe if she was a 45yo and hot, you would have sympathized with her more. You may have tried to be her friend with possibility of sex or relationship or friendship.

He could have found all of this out if he had asked better questions and was more inquisitive while they were texting. Truth is, he’s a dud himself.

I don't think this one is on the man. I am a woman and I don't do extensive text Q&As prior to meeting. Ask me on a date if you want to get to know me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

Oh stop. No one wants free food bad enough to sit through an awkward date. She didn’t use you for food, you just didn’t connect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Starting to date after an LT marriage ended. In my mid 40's and haven't dated in almost 20 years.

I've gone out a few times with different people. I asked them out. Both times, when the check came, the date didn't even offer to split it. The one where we just had a few drinks over a happy hour doesn't hurt. It was less than $50. However, the second one went on to order a full-blown meal where the expectation was to just meet for a few drinks to see if we actually like each other in person. Just her part was $60 including appetizer, dinner, and dessert. When the check came, she had to use the restroom. I disconnected from both of them. Even if they offered to pay for their own order, would have made me feel better but it seemed like it was expected that I would pay. Also, these aren't some 20-30 year old people I'm talking about. Both ladies were my age +/- a few years.

Should I tell people up front that we will split the check? I don't want to be a dick but this is going to start to add up.

Question for women - is it expected for the man to pay for the first date?

Question for men - Do you just tell the server at the end for separate checks? Again, I don't want to be an ass about it but especially if the date is not going well, why should I end up paying for both.

When the second woman ordered a meal on a drinks date - did you also order a meal? If so, she probably considered it an extension of the date you invited her on. Next time, meet for coffee, a walk in the park, or a museum if you don’t want to keep spending $$$ on pricy dinners. As a woman I’m fine with free or low-cost first dates, but yes, if you ask me out I do expect that you’ll pay, and if you asked a server for separate checks there would be no second date.

OP here.

I did not order dinner. The language I used to ask both ladies out was something like "want to grab a few drinks at HH after work?". Thanks to a lot of you for your suggestions. Like most people, I don't have a bank account that is limitless. I make a decent living so spending a few hundred bucks on dinner is not something I would think twice about. It's just that I was caught off guard about who pays. It's been a while. I was also turned off by the second woman who, from my perspective, used me for a free meal and drinks. Looking back, I should have just asked for separate checks with her because I was already not feeling it.

Someone asked what I would do if during the date, I'm not feeling it...based on all the input here from women who won't go out with someone if they asked to split the check. I'm going to do just that. Ask for the check to be split. This way she won't have to worry about me asking her out again and I won't feel like I was used.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

Oh stop. No one wants free food bad enough to sit through an awkward date. She didn’t use you for food, you just didn’t connect.

THIS. I wish men would stop assuming that a woman is willing to get dressed up, block out her schedule, and commute somewhere just for free food. It's absolutely ridiculous. It would be painful to suffer through a whole dinner with someone you weren't remotely interested in, just to get a free meal.

[Anonymous]

I wish men would stop assuming that a woman is willing to get dressed up, block out her schedule, and commute somewhere just for free food.

Then pay your own way in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I wish men would stop assuming that a woman is willing to get dressed up, block out her schedule, and commute somewhere just for free food.

Then pay your own way in life.

I’m sorry you can’t afford to date. That must be hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who are these guys harping on here? I’m a man and I pay. I will always feed you. I don’t care if it is the first date or the last one. I have no problem picking up the check. I don’t care who you are. I have a job and don’t go around penny pinching my dates. If you’re going to worry about this then stay home. Get out of the dating pool until you grow up. This isn’t high school.

THANK YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me last year:

I connect with a 55 year old Hispanic widow on OLD. Her photos are decent, and I enjoy texting with her. She asks me out, and suggests the place. We meet for a weekend dinner.

In person she's an old lady looking 55, not a hottie 55. The conversation is decent but toward the end of dinner she tells me she's only been a widow for a year, she isn't ready for dating, her kids made her get on OLD and they created her profile. The bill comes and of course I pay, and I don't think I even got a handshake or a hug on the way to the parking lot. I felt used. I wish women would realize there is another human being on the other size of their free meal transaction.

I would just write this one off as a valuable lesson learned.

Why would you feel used? Her kids urged her to try OLD. Maybe if she was a 45yo and hot, you would have sympathized with her more. You may have tried to be her friend with possibility of sex or relationship or friendship.

Dp So she owes you a hug because you paid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who are these guys harping on here? I’m a man and I pay. I will always feed you. I don’t care if it is the first date or the last one. I have no problem picking up the check. I don’t care who you are. I have a job and don’t go around penny pinching my dates. If you’re going to worry about this then stay home. Get out of the dating pool until you grow up. This isn’t high school.

THANK YOU.

Would someone like this be offended if the woman offered or even requested to pay half? Now that I'm older and I don't know the background of the people like I did with my high school or college boyfriend I feel like I'd rather just pay for half and not have to deal with any type of bad vibes from a man after a date if it didn't go well.

[Anonymous]

So the verdict is …?