Reply to Paying for dates

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Paying for dates"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Woman here. I always insisted on splitting the check, but I have found I’m an outlier. Sadly, even those who offer (I had to truly insist) will still expect you to pay. And lots of women will never go out with you again if you don’t.

I think it’s crappy, but it’s the reality. [/quote]

I am a 50+ yrs woman and I have always paid for myself when I was single.

Here is what I taught my now  20-something single DD -
- Always pay for your share  on a date. Allowing any man to pay for your meal is a privilege you should bestow only to a person who has earned it.   Also, it cheapens you to have a person you are not interested in to pay for you in any way. 
- Takes your own car/arrange for your  own transportation.  
-  First two dates should be low-key (grab a coffee, share a pizza), in public places in the daytime, for some casual and fun activity (concerts, plays, games) etc.   
- There is no rule that says "sex on third date". Sex happens only when both people are ready or it is ok for it to not happen for a long time.  Many men think that paying for a date entitles them to some sexual favors from a woman.
- Your parents can very comfortably afford to fund your meals, social life and normal student lifestyle. So use that privilege and keep yourself and your self-esteem protected. Do not be beholden to anyone and do not take that mental burden on yourself.

DD remains our responsibility  until she is herself financially emancipated and settled in a good career. [/quote]

BTW...DD also approved of this. Once she is asked on a date, she very quickly tells the person that she will agree only if they can go dutch. And most men agree. As it is, she is only going out to low cost dates the first few times and it does not break her bank either.  Surprisingly, she sometimes goes for several of these low cost dutch dates with the same person (it takes her that much time to figure out if she is interested)  before she will agree to a nice dinner that the guy pays for etc.

She does not wait for the man to tell her to split the bill during or after the date. That would be really awkward and she will probably never go out with such a boorish person again.  She errs on the side of thinking that the men are well brought up and chivalrous and would want to pay,  and so she tells them that to go dutch is her idea, before accepting the date.  It lets the men off the hook. There are a million little things that she is watching out for in a man, so, if he pays for the date is not what she is judging him on.

Also, she feels that her paying for her own share in a graceful manner actually makes the men respect her more. Even the dates that did not work out, the man did not have any ill-will for her and they remained friendly acquaintances.  No one likes to be taken advantage of - men or women.   One last thing. Not everyone had parents who bankroll them as we do our DD. Most of these men are working jobs in college to make money. It is usually hard earned money for college and other expenses. My DD should not think that she has some sort of dibs on their earnings just because she is a female. [/quote]

Impressed by how well thought out this is. What did you teach your DD to look for on the first few dates?[/quote]

This was for college dating for DD. It is a bit different because never will you have this collection of young, attractive, single, ready to mingle, adults available 24/7 again in your life. 
  
My tips were -

- Date extensively.  If a person asks you for a date and you don't think he is a creep, say "yes" to at least go out for coffee.

- Make plans quickly and decisively for 1st introductory date. Don't say "Sure, we can go out 5 days from now for dinner".  Instead, schedule the first date ASAP. "Sure, I would love to grab a coffee with you. Want to meet after 2 hours? We can meet at xyz after I am done with my classes?"  It is more natural and organic, it calms everyone's jitters and does not hype up the event, and you don't have to have a huge time committment.

- Arrange your day and week.  In college there are lots of events happening every hour. So, when someone asked you out, tell them your plans and ask them to join you. (Tuesday? Sure. I am going for xyz performance, why don't you join me?).  Even if the date is a dud, you have not wasted your time and have enjoyed some activity. You also don't sound too needy or the sad sack who has nothing better to do. Best is that you can embed a friendly face or two in the crowd if you are not sure about your date, and have an out if need be.

- Seek out new experiences.  Be open to experience something that the date suggests. He could be into paragliding or attending comic cons, or or something and if you haven't experienced that.  at least try it once with that person, and learn as much as you can about that activity. That way, you become a more informed person and get a better understanding of what you may like yourself.  It also teaches you to be more flexible and allows you to meet more people.

- Meet the person in different surroundings - it is ok to have several such casual dates with the same person, but meet in different surroundings and with different groups of people each time, so you have a good idea to observe them and understand how they are.

- Do they do the right thing?  - spending time with them allows you to see their thought process.  Do they make good decisions? Are they thoughtful? Are they warm people? What is their world view? How interested are they in your thoughts and opinions?  How do they communicate? Are they going somewhere in life? How do they structure their life to get balance? Who are their friends? Do they talk about their family? Are they open to diversity?

- If you did not like them at all in a romantic way, do not accept another one-on-one date. - don't drag it out by giving mixed signals. Don't mistreat them. Be firm about not being interested but be polite.  Paying your share on the dates , and not being sexual or physical with them for the first few dates -  helps you in turning them down after the first or a few dates because you did not set up any romantic expectation.
  
- Remember, your dud date may have single friends who could be potential romantic interests. :) Learn to expand your circle. You may not jive with your date, but if you remain friendly and polite, there is a great chance that they will not bad mouth you and you may get to meet and know their friends. A big no-no is to start flirting with someone else when you are on a date with a dud date. Show some class and don't make the person feel like a chump.

- Acknowledge people you have gone on a date with when you bump into them. A cheerful "Hey, how are ya?" and a friendly smile, fist bump or a hug is just good manners and cancels out any awkwardness, jealously or ill-feeling.

FWIW - Even though DD pays for her share, it would be very presumptuous for a man to say "I would like to date you. Lets go dutch".  That is not going to go down well.  I think the old rule about whoever asks for the date, pays for both of them, is right.  But, it is ok to do the low cost, meeting for coffee and drink first date(s), and it is ok for the other party to offer/insist to share costs in a tactful way.  [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics