Paying for dates

[Anonymous]

Starting to date after an LT marriage ended. In my mid 40's and haven't dated in almost 20 years.

I've gone out a few times with different people. I asked them out. Both times, when the check came, the date didn't even offer to split it. The one where we just had a few drinks over a happy hour doesn't hurt. It was less than $50. However, the second one went on to order a full-blown meal where the expectation was to just meet for a few drinks to see if we actually like each other in person. Just her part was $60 including appetizer, dinner, and dessert. When the check came, she had to use the restroom. I disconnected from both of them. Even if they offered to pay for their own order, would have made me feel better but it seemed like it was expected that I would pay. Also, these aren't some 20-30 year old people I'm talking about. Both ladies were my age +/- a few years.

Should I tell people up front that we will split the check? I don't want to be a dick but this is going to start to add up.

Question for women - is it expected for the man to pay for the first date?

Question for men - Do you just tell the server at the end for separate checks? Again, I don't want to be an ass about it but especially if the date is not going well, why should I end up paying for both.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I always offer but wouldn't keep dating someone who agreed to split. Keep in mind that you are paid more than women just on the basis of your gender, you don't have to pay for birth control or period supplies, you didn't pay for make up to go on the date. Don't be cheap and just pay for dinner.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I always insisted on splitting the check, but I have found I’m an outlier. Sadly, even those who offer (I had to truly insist) will still expect you to pay. And lots of women will never go out with you again if you don’t.

I think it’s crappy, but it’s the reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Starting to date after an LT marriage ended. In my mid 40's and haven't dated in almost 20 years.

I've gone out a few times with different people. I asked them out. Both times, when the check came, the date didn't even offer to split it. The one where we just had a few drinks over a happy hour doesn't hurt. It was less than $50. However, the second one went on to order a full-blown meal where the expectation was to just meet for a few drinks to see if we actually like each other in person. Just her part was $60 including appetizer, dinner, and dessert. When the check came, she had to use the restroom. I disconnected from both of them. Even if they offered to pay for their own order, would have made me feel better but it seemed like it was expected that I would pay. Also, these aren't some 20-30 year old people I'm talking about. Both ladies were my age +/- a few years.

Should I tell people up front that we will split the check? I don't want to be a dick but this is going to start to add up.

Question for women - is it expected for the man to pay for the first date?

Question for men - Do you just tell the server at the end for separate checks? Again, I don't want to be an ass about it but especially if the date is not going well, why should I end up paying for both.

I'm a 42 yo woman who is dating a lot and gets asked out by guys a lot. I'll be honest, I am only attracted to guy who pick up the check. I'm old-fashioned. It's not about the money at all. In my experience, the guys who insist on splitting end up being not very generous in other areas.

[Anonymous]

Why don’t you do coffee as a first date if it’s just screening to see about more chemistry? I agree dropping a lot on first dates in this scenario where you want to get to know people is probably not going to be sustainable if your budget isn’t unlimited. Stick to coffee, then lunch if you feel constrained. Most women are going to disconnect from you if you don’t cover the first date. It’s not a good signal moving forward. That’s just how this works.

[Anonymous]

Do women sometimes pay the tip? I think that's a nice way to split.

[Anonymous]

If you ask me out for a date, I expect you to pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you ask me out for a date, I expect you to pay

This. I used to be progressive in this area but as poster above said, men who won’t pay for a date they asked you out for are cheap and stingy elsewhere. If I’m later going to be asked to sacrifice for you, take care of you, follow your career, all unpaid etc you better be investing in me too.

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I don’t pay for dates at all. If I’ve been in committed serious relationship with a man I might pay for a surprise or holiday.

[Anonymous]

Dating is costly. You gotta pay to play. I (woman) always offer to split but for the first few dates, no one has agreed to it. If we date more than 5 dates on, we start taking turns.

[Anonymous]

I'm 45 (female) and always offer to split the check. If the man refuses, I ask if I can at least cover the tip. If I ask him out, I am prepared to pay for the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that you are paid more than women just on the basis of your gender,

I’m not being paid more than some of the women I’ve met around here. This ain’t the 1950s. You have jobs, you make some decent cash. Stop being a moocher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Woman here. I always offer but wouldn't keep dating someone who agreed to split. Keep in mind that you are paid more than women just on the basis of your gender, you don't have to pay for birth control or period supplies, you didn't pay for make up to go on the date. Don't be cheap and just pay for dinner.

Please don't make us women look crazy. I agree with OP that he shouldn't be the one footing the whole bill. The ladies should have split the bill with him.

[Anonymous]

It’s not a matter of money but of equality, it shouldn’t be expected for someone you just met to pay for you unless you are a prostitute or a begger. This trend should just end and there should be a clear rule of splitting the bill. If you are dating regularly then split or take turns.

[Anonymous]

I'm a married woman, but when I was dating, I expected any man who asked me on a date to pay for the first date. I did not offer to split, but thanked them sincerely for dinner (or whatever). Maybe this was off-putting for some guys, and if there was ever a guy who didn't ask me on a second date for that reason, that is okay - we weren't a match.