I finally set a boundary with in laws and they made me feel bad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sunset today was at 451 pm. All it takes is traffic and you are arriving on the dark.

Then they can get on the road early and park themselves at a Starbucks near OP’s house until 4 pm.

Or the op could just send her husband to pick up his parents. He's not doing anything anyway, right? It's only an hour. That could solve it. We all assume it was because of the dark. It could also be because they are exhausted by 4pm because they wake up super early.

[Anonymous]

It’s ok, OP. They’ll have a reaction to boundaries. No need to feel guilty. It’s TOTALLY reasonable to want a little breather and time to yourself before the festivities begin. Don’t feel bad. Enjoy your holiday together and don’t think twice about this!

[Anonymous]

OP says "I finally set a boundary".

OP, when you make a substantial change is what you want from somebody else, it's best to have a strategy for how you are going to communicate that and also when you are going to communicate that.

Let's say there are things you have always done at work and unbeknownst to you it makes a coworker or a boss unhappy, but they haven't ever said anything. And one day, right as you are doing it or about to do it, they bring it up abruptly. You are likely to feel at least a little bit attacked.

But now, perhaps, you can pull off a bit of a reset with MIL. At the same time, try not to dwell on it.

Of course, the other possibility (happens all the time with humans) is that in the long run nothing will change. Then my advice would be to try to change how you react to what they're going to do anyway. As someone who isn't great about taking the initiative to change a situation, I have quite a bit of practice inn deciding something I have found annoying is no longer going to bother me. So that is also an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be prepared with some replies OP!

Usually just saying “Okay.” And cheerfully letting things roll off your back works well to deflate these types of comments. Think of it as a game. She’s trying to needle you and you can’t let her win.

One or two times during the visit you could look concerned and say simply. “How are you doing Barb? Is everything okay health wise?” Follow up with “it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it now.” You could reframe how you talk about it to your husband too: “Has MIL seen a doctor recently? She seemed really afraid to drive in the afternoon.” Mention that a friend said one of the early signs of dementia in her mom was rigidity with schedules and insisting on dropping mail directly at the post office first thing in the morning.” Things like that.


So ypu are suggesting that op become like her MIL? I think op should rise above it and not be churlish or childish.
Play the game. I guarantee “Concern” will annoy her much more than anything else you could say.

NP here. I liked PP's advice but I'm a petty b!tc# and I own it.

Op - I actually do like my mil And am concerned about her and don’t want them to drive in the dark if they don’t want to. I work crazy hard and have had a difficult year and 24th is the only day I have off work which isn’t full family or travel (we go to my parents on Sunday). I just wanted some space and genuinely do need to protect my mental health a bit. Mil knows we have had a hard year (dh laid off twice and other health factors) so I’m just bummed that she would feel the need to push on this and make it personal. It’s not personal I’m just trying to keep my head above water and also it should be fine for humans to communicate about a convenient time for a guest to arrive without guilt

Your post above shows your problem. You do not need to explain this to anyone. You don't give that extra info. You say no. People get over being butt hurt by a grown up direct response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So sunset today was at 451 pm. All it takes is traffic and you are arriving on the dark.

…so much traffic that it takes twice the usual time to get somewhere? That’s highly unusual.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand all of the posts saying how OP, a busy mom of two who is keeping her family afloat financially, should take on more work and stress for herself in order to not ask her in laws to behave like good people. If anything MIL and FIL should be bending over backward knowing OP is keeping their son and grandchildren on solid ground.

[Anonymous]

Don’t have their bed made when they arrive. Just have the sheets folded in a stack and just say that you ran out of time. They can make their own bed. Same with appetizers. sorry, no time. Task MIL with tasks to help you. I’m sure the tsk-tskers will come in here to rattle on about being a “good host” but if MIL is going to take away OP’s prep time (which she said she NEEDS) MIL should experience how her defiance impacts the outcome.

Nuclear option: Just call them this morning and tell them you’re feeling sick and since everyone’s worried about Covid you need to cancel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

OP, stop it right now. Your needs are important! You get to spend the day how you want to. These people on DCUM and your MIL are being ridiculous. You have had a hard year and want to have your home the way you want it in peace. Why in the world are you feeling guilty about a measly time set for folks to come over. This board is outrageous. Woman up and continue to be in control of your life. You said what you needed, MIL needs to respect it..full stop! This is not a big deal. And if they arrive at 1pm absolutely address it immediately AND with your husband.

[Anonymous]

Continued…wait a minute, if your husband is not working I am sure that he is doing all of the moping, sweeping, guest room prep, bathroom cleaning etc so you can relax a bit while you meal prep….right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She had a good line she used against you and it got under your skin. MIL 1 You 0.

Sorry OP but this was MIL is very Everybody Loves Raymond-ish. Expect this to come up again and prep your witty comeback. Anything linking mental health and serial killer gets you 2 points in my book!

You were perfectly reasonable. It is not dark at 4pm. Now, please come back and tell us what time they actually show up.

Prep your witty comeback? How nice to have the time and mental space for this kind of manufactured drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think any of this is relevant
It is not socially acceptable if invited at x time, to push for an earlier time without a really good reason. Not with family, not with anyone you don’t live with
Your host could have a billion and one reasons they want you to come at x time and none of them are any of the guests business. Does not mean they don’t love the guest, does not mean anything beyond that person wants their guest to come at that time and the guest should be respectful of that.

Of course it’s socially acceptable for family to ask to come earlier so they don’t drive in the dark!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think these last comments are so weird.
When did it become a rule that if you are hosting something that you have no say in when people come over to your home? It’s not ‘mean’ to invite someone to stay and then indicate when to arrive. That is literally just how humans make plans. It is much weirder and ruder to disregard when someone has asked you to come in favor of your own convenience.

Yep, this attitude is a great way to dissuade people from wanting to host at all.

I think actually this boils down to OP shouldn’t have been hosting her in laws after such a difficult year she has had. I don’t know if her husband pressured her to do this or what, but when you get this stressed about the idea that the in laws might come a bit early, it probably was the year to do something just the two of you. That doesn’t make OP a bad person of course, it’s just the reality of the situation. She is burned out and needs a break, not hostessing duties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Continued…wait a minute, if your husband is not working I am sure that he is doing all of the moping, sweeping, guest room prep, bathroom cleaning etc so you can relax a bit while you meal prep….right?

DP.

You hit the nail in the head. It's amazing how people on this board are so careless with family members and then they start threads complaining g about how grandparents don't spend time with grandkids.

OP has transfered her DH problem to his parents. So the guy can get all of the items you listed done on the previous day. Or Op can hire help to clean up this once. It's cheaper than feeling guilty on Christmas eve and having your in laws feeling insulted. She could have told her DH to get the room ready the day before and them take the inlaws out when they get there. Or she could put a TV in the guest room and make DH spend time with them in there.

There are a million other options than the one OP chose. I have pretty bad eyesight and I do not drive at night. If i can avoid it, I don't drive in traffic either because it's so stressful( bad eyesightin day time as well). If my DIL told me to come much later, I would offer to cook some of the food at my house before I came over. And I am pretty sure OP would complain too her Inlaws started bringing food over.whole thing sounds so absurd.

I am in my thirties, and I cannot imagine telling someone not to come too early on Christmas eve of all days. I would rather not cook and other junk than be that ridiculous. What was Op expecting? Them to say "OK see you at 5 boss." You got what you deserved with your thoughtlessness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your MIL was rude. I am a DIL and a MIL. Just something to consider. A lot of older adults just don’t like getting out late. Or even being up late. I always do dinner at 4 or 5 when my parents or in-laws visit. DH and I are still fairly young. We are 55 and thankfully, very active and healthy. On a normal evening, we are in bed by about 8:30. We are up by 5:30 at the latest. And we are both retired. It’s not intentional. It’s just how we are now. When my grandkids are here, we have so much fun! But I am exhausted by the end of the day. Your MIL may just be really tired by 6 or 7. I know I am. And I never thought it would happen to me.

Well then they can say that. Like adults. It’s called communication. OP moved the time to accommodate the no-driving-in-the-dark request. All she can go on. They’re not talking about any other concerns or problems, instead, MIL is taking a cheap shot at stress and mental health. Which is a particularly rude thing for one mom to do to another when it comes to holiday stress.

So OP has mental health issues now? Lol

She shouldn't host since it's so stressful for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op - I’m really not worried about them being rude. Honestly now I just feel guilty
This is the problem with ‘boundaries’. I really do want with the fire of a thousand suns to have one of my only days off from work/ opp to get things how I want them for Xmas not punctuated by my father in law watching loud tv all day and not helping while I prep stuff. I love him but I just needed a minute before they come. And I feel this way all the time bc they always show up literally like 5 hours early and I never say anything bc I know I will then worry about it. But is it worth it to then feel bad and weird? I do not know. I think maybe it is bc I am so so so relieved that I get to wake up tomorrow and get my s**t together in peace. But I guess not at the cost of hurting their feelings. I wish mil had just been like - that’s totally fine! I think actually if they were a little better about trading social cues we would have less of a disconnect overall.

Hosting isn’t your thing. Next time just invite then for Christmas day dinner or go
To their house. You don’t seem to have kids so traveling to them should be easy.

I do have kids (is this whole website not for moms?) 6 and 8
I actually love hosting but it’s v stressful when the guests are the ones who decide when and how long they are with you for

NP, but no, it genuinely doesn’t feel like you enjoy hosting. You have communicated to your in laws that they are a burden and make you uncomfortable and you can’t relax around them. That’s the opposite of being a welcoming person. All your FIL does is watch loud TV - so what? Yea, sounds annoying, but the point of hosting isn’t just to have people act as little dolls for your dinner party fantasy. It’s to be welcoming to people. What if your in laws are just lonely and want some hustle-bustle on Xmas, instead of sitting alone all day til their appointed time to arrive? I really think you should’ve just told them you’re too tired to host.