How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

I despise tattoos. I would absolutely allow it but I would want it to be small, simple and discreet.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.

Pointing out someone’s rigid thinking does not make one rigid. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

NP. It’s painfully true though. I would allow it with gentle conditions - that it’s very small and discreet. And I would research and push for colors easily removed by laser if I think she might want it taken off later (but of course wouldn’t share this with her).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

Did you even think about the message that would send?

NP. My best friend committed suicide when we were in high school. Still glad I don’t have a tattoo about us, though.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

If you decide that causing that pain is worth it, that's your perogative but don't act just because you have the power to make those decisions that they won't have serious and painful consequences

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

There is no shortage of pain in this situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d allow it with restrictions - small, in a spot that can easily be covered.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

NP. Eh, I'm willing to say that the parents who wouldn't allow it aren't good parents, at least not in this instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:As someone who has worked in the field of oncology and a parent with pediatric cancer in my family, I would absolutely allow this. It’s going to be really important for your child and her friend and will be something she will never regret. This experience will profoundly impact your child and this will be something that helps her navigate it with peace for the rest of her life.

Just amplifying this. The kid who is dying will know that s/he is a small part of her friend forever, even after s/he dies. And your kid will have this lasting reminder of this thing s/he did for their dying friend whom s/he loved. It's lovely. Good luck with the rib thing, OP's kid!

Tattoos are forever and this is someone op’s DD has been close friends with for a few years. For all we know if the other kid lived they’d graduate from high school and then never talk again.

Have you lost a friend in childhood to cancer? If not, I wouldn’t comment on how you think the OP’s child will grieve.

Yes, actually I did. A friend to diabetes, and a close cousin I was friends with to cancer, both in childhood. And I didn't say how I think OP's child will grieve. I just pointed out that if her friend DIDN'T die, it's entirely possible they would just naturally drift apart. Getting a tattoo forces a permanency to the friendship.

But the child will die and that will have it's own permanency. She won't grow up and move away. They won't grow apart. She will die. OP's child will grieve and grow and do all of the things that the living do. What difference does it make that if things were different, they would be different?

I don't like tattoos. I wouldn't choose to get one. But the choice here is between asserting your parental authority to override your child's growing autonomy. Sometimes, that is necessary to protect them from seriously dangerous things. If this was a question of "hey mom, I wanna do heroin with my friend," then probably everyone would feel differently. But the long-term harm of having a tattoo is that your body doesn't look like you might prefer. Is it worth alienating a child at such a critical time to prevent that? I would much rather do what I could to protect my child from their grief-stricken actions than worry about the small potatoes of some judgey mom at swim club. I would impress upon the child that this is a serious decision and not one to make lightly, but otherwise what is the real harm of getting the tattoo? The real harm of forbidding it is that you damage you set your authority in opposition to the emotional pain of a loss, while telling them they're too young to understand. To me, that sounds like daring your kid to do some dumb stuff without consulting you because they believe their grown. Teenagers push boundaries anyway, best that that they don't adopt a forgiveness instead of permission attitude.

Are you the teen who wants the tattoo? You seem oddly invested in getting me to agree to this. I understand the reasons a 15 yr old would want to do this, and the reasons some parents would say yes to it. I'm just not one of those parents.

[Anonymous]

Could she have the exact tattoo replicated in temporary tattoo form? Then your daughter as well as other friends could wear it as a tribute to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could she have the exact tattoo replicated in temporary tattoo form? Then your daughter as well as other friends could wear it as a tribute to her.

And when they forget her, it washes off easily. Great compromise.

[Anonymous]

Also, there a semi-permanent tattoo studios out there as well. Perhaps they could do this together as a test and then decide on the real deal after their trial period.

Tattly has some great temp tats too btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she have the exact tattoo replicated in temporary tattoo form? Then your daughter as well as other friends could wear it as a tribute to her.

And when they forget her, it washes off easily. Great compromise.

No, they could simply reapply another one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Could she have the exact tattoo replicated in temporary tattoo form? Then your daughter as well as other friends could wear it as a tribute to her.

And when they forget her, it washes off easily. Great compromise.

No, they could simply reapply another one.

And FWIW, plenty of people pass on without asking those around them to permanently change their appearance. They are still remembered, loved, cherished with or without the matching tattoo.

[Anonymous]

Some of you are acting as if the child is having her face tattooed. Also, it sounds like OP and her child have had the conversations they need to and likely made a decision.