How would you handle a 15 yo talking about getting a matching tattoo with a friend who is dying

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

Are the "strident" poster below? I wonder what you have personally wrapped up in this. Your posts are coming across awfully "stridently" for someone not actually in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

I live in Toronto. I don't have any tats and don't like most of them, but they are more common than not. Even partners at the fanciest law firms have them. No one tries to hide them, and no one judges.

They don't judge out loud. I know several co-workers who have wrist tattoos and you bet I silently judge them, especially when the tattoo says something trite like "faith" or "breathe."

But nobody cares about an insignificant opinion from an insignificant person. My H is a VP for a huge international company, Ivy undergrad and grad, and has 3 tattoos - my initials and DCs birthdays. They are not visible in a suit but I bet the coworkers saw them, as he's wearing polo t-shirts for charity or company casual events. Our DC1 is planning to be a surgeon - he's in a top med school - and he's considering one. Churchill and Roosevelt had tattoos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I would offer something less permanent like matching necklaces.

“Yeah, I’d prefer my daughter get something easy to remove when she forgets about your daughter after she’s dead.”

I hope my kid stays married forever, if she gets married. It doesn’t mean she needs to tattoo her spouse’s name on her body. Same with my name, her dad’s name, her brother’s name, grandparents, BFF, etc.

How about: “we can’t support tattooing at 15. I’m so sorry.”

Why lie?

"I have made the choice for my daughter that avoiding being tacky is more than honoring this friendship in the way they have chosen. I recognize that a 15 year old is whirlwind of emotion on the best days and that losing a close a friend young, especially where there is no fault or mistake and the parties have ample time to consider the imminent death, is likely to lead to category 5 hurricane of emotion, but the most important thing in this moment is preserve the natural appearance of my daughter's skin. I know in only 3 years my daughter will have ability to get this done without my consent, but I this is a hill I want to die on. I hope she will forgive me when she's older."

Your post illustrates exactly allowing a 15 year to do this is so troubling. A parent must be a cooler head in the adolescent whirlwind of emotion.

And the cooler head chooses to this fight? What is the real long-term harm of a tattoo? Regret? Laser removal? Being the cooler head doesn't mean making every choice for your child, or even every serious choice for your child.

My position is that people shouldn’t make permanent or serious decisions while in the middle of a tsunami of emotions. It’s actually an excellent life lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

NP -- your take isn't fair. Parents can weigh the choices and make different decisions than you -- in good faith-- and it doesn't make them bad parents. Getting a tattoo -- or not getting a tattoo -- isn't going to change the tragic nature of this situation at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just a DCUM wake up moment. We literally have to be one of the last metropolitans and areas of the country where tattoos are shunned. Literally go to the west coast. Entire people covered in tats. By the time your daughter is a professional, DC will be the same. Lots of people have tats (covered) in this town and more will have them uncovered.

I live in Toronto. I don't have any tats and don't like most of them, but they are more common than not. Even partners at the fanciest law firms have them. No one tries to hide them, and no one judges.

They don't judge out loud. I know several co-workers who have wrist tattoos and you bet I silently judge them, especially when the tattoo says something trite like "faith" or "breathe."

But nobody cares about an insignificant opinion from an insignificant person. My H is a VP for a huge international company, Ivy undergrad and grad, and has 3 tattoos - my initials and DCs birthdays. They are not visible in a suit but I bet the coworkers saw them, as he's wearing polo t-shirts for charity or company casual events. Our DC1 is planning to be a surgeon - he's in a top med school - and he's considering one. Churchill and Roosevelt had tattoos.

That is quite the self righteous humble brag! Bravo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

Exactly! Being reminded of how your actions will cause an emotional reaction is just reality. It’s not being overly sensitive to feel hurt that as you’re about to die, your best friend won’t get a tattoo with you because her mom said it was manipulative and would look bad in job interviews. In the real world people have feelings. It’s not manipulation to have feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

Permit a tattoo. Got cut off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

Are the "strident" poster below? I wonder what you have personally wrapped up in this. Your posts are coming across awfully "stridently" for someone not actually in this situation.

I'm the "strident" poster, and I didn't post this other thing. I'm not in this situation, but I did have a very close friend who died when I was 16, so my opinion is motivated by empathy for the girl whose friend is dying and how her mom helps her to process that experience, which will be significant to her for years to come, regardless of whether the girls would still be friends later in life if the friend didn't die.

For what it's worth, I just really don't think that getting a small tattoo is a big deal. It's not unhealthy. It's not unsafe. It's not even really permanent. A little thing like OP described can be removed easily or covered up in any number of ways if OP's daughter wants to cover it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

I’d love to hear what you’d say when you called the other girls parent. Can you break it down for us?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This would be a no brainer to me. The girl can get the tattoo and your daughter go with her to get it. However, your daughter may get a matching one when she is of legal age. I am not sure why she has to do it at 15. It would still match at age 18...

How sad- “you can go with your friend and tell her you’ll be allowed to get your own at 18, the only reason she is getting it earlier is because she will be dead by 18. You can tell her that since you aren’t dying , you’ll get yours later”. Can you imagine this conversation playing out?

No, none of these people who are so strident in that they would forget this are able to imagine the actual conversation with their child. They fall back on "I'm the parent, and my responsibility is to parent my child" and that's the end of it on this board. Everyone more or less knows it's nowhere near that simple or easy, but it doesn't matter because tattoos are trashy and 15yo are too immature to make permanent decisions, apparently.

I think the cruelest part is making their child have that conversation with their dying friend. “My mom says no permanent change on my body because I might regret it when I’m older. But you aren’t getting older so that’s why it’s ok for you.” No matter how delicate your child is when she speaks, this is the message you are making her pass on to her best friend as she lays dying. Real nice. You’re traumatizing your own kid and saddening someone else’s dying kid. But, TATTOOS!!!

So this is the emotional manipulation that posters referred to earlier.

Pointing out the pain you will certainly cause by a given course of action isn't emotional manipulation, unless you think you should completely ignore the emotional effect saying no will have on the friend and the daughter.

As the parent, I can be the bad guy, and even call the other parent if needed. The harm to this family is that this child is dying not that someone’s parent is unwilling to a permit.

“Being the bad guy” is setting limits on underage drinking. Not further crushing the spirit of a dying teenager, and probably damaging your relationship with your own child, because you are so rigid that you can’t see that life is full of beautiful nuance. I am against tattoos, but I could never say no to this. This is a beautiful thing. Life is messy. Wake up. Your child will remember you refusing this.

NP - you sound awfully rigid, yourself.