Advice needed regarding maintaining friendship with close friend with severely disabled child
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Anonymous
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One of my very best friends, who I've been friends with since we were 10, has a severely disabled child. She and I were pregnant with our first babies at the same time and due right around the same time. Though we live in different states we very much shared our pregnancies. We were so excited to both be having boys that would be the same age, achieve milestones together, eventually become friends, etc, etc. Of course we knew we were ridiculously projecting things that were not in our control but it was fun while it lasted. Fast forward 2.5 years, her son is severly disabled...is non ambulatory, is fed exclusively through a G-tube, is partially deaf (wears hearing aids) and will likely never speak. He is developmentally delayed as well but it is too soon to really tell how severely. In essence, he is 2.5 years old and has the mind and body of about a 6 month old. My son is healthy and so far as we can tell completely NT. We knew during her pregnancy that her son might have some physical challenges (ie a heart defect that could be repaired with surgery) but nobody was prepared for what actually happened. Needless to say, her family has been through a very difficult 2.5 years. During this time we (me and our other close friends) have tried very hard to be a good friend to this family but our friend has completely shut down. She still emails every once in a while and texts but never calls nor returns phone calls. When she does email it is very matter of fact and responds only to the questions asked. Doesn't ask about our kids, doesn't offer any additional information about her life. Every once in a while she will say something about how hard life is and how tired she is but then quickly shuts down that line of conversation. When we visit she is like a shell of her former self. We've gently suggested counseling but she says she can't handle going to one more appointment. Additionally, I've heard from other friends that she harbors some resentment that my son is healthy and hers is not. I've been aware since the beginning that she might feel that way so I've tread very lightly when talking about my son. She doesn't ask often but when she does I try to offer information in the most sensitive way I can but apparently she was still angry.
I don't know where to go from here. I keep telling mysefl that I will keep offering up a one sided friendship and she will come around when she has the emotional capacity. I truly believe our friendship is measured in decades and not years but I'm beggining to wonder if we'll ever be close again. Has anybody been through something similar and have anything helpful to share? Thanks |
Anonymous
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Even though we're not in the exact same situation, OP, I have a friend like this.
We started dating at the same time and while I kept going around with different boyfriends she stuck to one guy. She was in a relationship for 12 years! I found DH, got married, had #1 and now I'm expecting #2. In a nutshell, she's been on and off of my life since I moved away for college - she stayed with her parents (and still does - we're 30yo). Her aunt once said - Susie, what have you done wrong? You stuck with a guy for freaking 12 years and messed up. Your party animal friends played around and now are all happy. What went wrong? - right in front of me and another friend of hers who had the same life style. She resents her choices (and I understand your friend's situation was not a choice) and we respect the boundaries she's established. She didn't come for either our weddings but has been very present in our children's lives. She asks all 3 kids to call her auntie and showers them with gifts. She comes around when something goes well - if she got a nice job or when she finds a cool guy but when things go downhill she shuts down again. We just go along with it. I want to be there for her when she needs it so I just don't force. Our other friend is a little more intrusive and present but that's just not who I am. Our relationship's dynamics are a bit different. I don't know what's your style but just try to respect her limits. |
Anonymous
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Your comparing YOUR friend to OP's friend?
speechless
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Anonymous
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Anonymous
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OP, this is difficult...
My best friend and I decided to get pregnant right around the same time. I got pregnant very quick and my best friend spent 2 years trying to get pregnant. After 2 years she found out she had an issue where she had to have a hysterecomy and she's been having a VERY difficult time. She can't afford adoption. Not the same, but she has cut off a lot of contact me. According to other friends, she can't be around me "right now" - I think the key for you, is to realize that your friend is going through hard times right now. I think, in my opinion, is for you to just continue to be there for her when you can...as much as you can, until she's ready. Those of us with NT children can not imagine how difficult it is for parents of SN. Maybe other parents of SN can weigh in, but ask her if you can help, and then just continue to email her. Maybe she CAN'T spend time on the phone and email is the best she can do right now. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
| I have been in a similar situation. Preg as same time as friend; friend's kid is born with major issues, mine not. The friendship didn't last. Please try not to be angry at your friend. You have no idea how hard her life is right now, and for the foreseeable future. Having a special needs kid is hard. Having a kid with significant needs is VERY hard. She isn't the same person anymore -- it truly changes you. Be open and be kind. She may come back as a close friend down the line; she may not. She has been dealt a very difficult hand. |
Anonymous
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Op, I think that you have the best of intentions but it may just be very painful for your friend to be around you. I am the parent of two special needs children that have nowhere near the issues your friend's son has. You really have to think of this in terms of a loss -- she is mourning the child she thought she was going to have. Of course, she is going to be a shell of her former self. Can you imagine what she is going through? I had tons of therapy appointments for my kids when they were very young and it really was all-consuming. Of course, I am happy for my friends and their children's milestones but it is difficult sometimes too. I think that you need to give her space and let her know you are there for her if she wants to vent, to share or just to have a cup of coffee. And please don't be offended if she doesn't ask about your child. I'm sure that you have plenty of people to discuss your child with. While I'm sure that it is upsetting to hear that she has some feelings of resentment, I think that you can't take those personally. At this point in her life, I'm sure that she resents anyone with a typical child (not that these are healthy feelings - they aren't but it is where she is at right now). Please just think of it that way and cut her some slack.
Many many years ago my mom met a friend when they both delivered children on the same day at the same hospital (both boys). They became friendly and my mom brought her into her circle of friends and we celebrated the boys' birthdays together (my brother and the other boy). Then when the boys were about 4, the dad of the other boy was diagnosed with terminal cancer. The other mom shut herself off from my mom and her friends, despite their efforts to stay close. She was selling her belongings, downsizing and preparing for the worst and she didn't want to be around their happy family lives. Turns out the husband recovered and lived but this friend still stayed away. She only came back when my mom was dying of cancer many years later. My point is that friendships do drift apart b/c of events that happen to people. Life can suck sometimes and that is where your friend is right now. You have to adapt to her new normal -- don't ask her to do things she can't right now. |
Anonymous
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Your situation doesn't even come close. So don't try to justify your pathetic "advice."
OP - Severely disabled children are emotionally and physically draining. It's hard enough parenting a child who has Aspergers, for example. So imagine having to accept that your child may NEVER reach beyond a 6 yo mentality - or younger. You can do nothing b/c NOTHING will make her feel better about her situation. Sending her emails or a nice gift card . . . sweet but such a small gesture that will get lost within her angst She needs to be in a support group where others share her pain.
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Anonymous
| Op I would just keep doing what you are doing. You may never be close again but that doesn't mean that your efforts and care aren't part of what is keeping her going on some days. Maybe send her little things in the mail that are not kid related that let her know you are thinking of her (magazine, book, etc...). She may be a bit resentful but she hasn't cut off contact so it sounds like she is doing the best she can at the moment. Who knows where she will be at mentally and emotionally in a year or two. It may be in a place where your friendship gets stronger again. |
Anonymous
| OP here - thanks PPs. I am definitely not angry with her - though others in our group are. I keep telling myself that I have no right to expect anything from her but I have the capacity to continue to give (emotionally) so will do so. But I would like not to be operating in a vaccum (l would love for her to say...look I love you but it's too hard to be in touch with you right now...or something similar). I don't know if I should try to broach the subject with her in some kind of way or just let it be. Probably just let it be. Another close friend wrote her an email expressing her feelings in the most positive and supportive way possible and she took it as criticism that she wasn't being a good enough friend. I last saw her last Spring when her father passed away unexpectedly. She was very close to him and he was young and fit so this was another huge blow. I took a week off of work to help her and her mom plan the funeral, cooked for her, tried to help her take care of her son. She was mildly appreciative and her husband was just a total jerk. She is pregnant again, after a miscarriage last year, and is expecting a healthy baby girl in Jan. I don't know if adding a newborn to the mix will be good for them or make their lives even more difficult. I've offered to come without my kids while she is on maternity leave to cook, clean, watch one or both kids so she can nap, etc, etc. Was met with a decidely lukewarm response. We'll see. I love her so much and she is really like a sister to me and I just want to help. |
Anonymous
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OP, it sure sounds like you are doing so many things right. As the parent of a SN child, I'm guessing that she is still just too overwhelmed and grieving to acknowledge anything outside her immediate frame of reference.
I remember when my daughter was first born - unexpectedly three months early and very ill. The days and weeks and months were like a blur. I know that a lot of people tried to do nice stuff for us, but even answering the door to say thanks for dinner seemed too hard some days. That sounds crazy, I know, but I was in a really dark place and didn't have the energy to greet people with a smile and wasn't ready to share my new reality with them. I feel kind of bad for how much I withdrew from friends for the first couple of years, but I also know that I was doing my absolute best for my and my child. I did lose some friends from that time, but I all the more deeply value the friends who stuck by me and allowed me to grieve and process and grow on my own timeline. I don't know logistically if this is possible, but I wonder if there are activities you can share with your boys? Can you go to the zoo, and push the kids around together? Of course it's harder for her, but I know that after awhile I really appreciated the moments of feeling like a normal mom too. In looking back, I realize that there were months and probably years that I didn't ask after my friends kids. I do now. I never didn't care about and love them - I just didn't have it in me to ask and listen and let it all in at the time. It took awhile to come to peace with my child, and our situation, and our new life, before I could engage with my friends and their joy without it throwing me off. Hope that makes sense. Anyways, I could ramble on forever, but I just wanted to say that you sound like a great friend, and I think you're doing the right thing to continue to provide love and support to your friend. Please don't make her wrong for how she's dealing with her life - I bet like me she's doing the very best that she can and that the sun will come out again for her someday soon. |
Anonymous
| Thanks 15:35 - I really appreciate it. |
Anonymous
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Pathetic?
Telling someone to keep a distance and respect the pain of one who's hurting is pathetic? You're sick!
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Anonymous
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oh, op, you sound like a great friend and a great person, but i wonder if your friend just needs space... maybe she doesn't need you to be her support and maybe she doesn't want you in her house, cooking and cleaning and prepping... maybe it makes her feel inadequate, like she can't pull it together and there you are, with your normal, active, healthy child and you can do it all and he's moving and running and playing - not wheelchair bound - and you don't seem tired or overwhelmed or anything.
do you think you could call her and say that you love her and would love to help with the new baby, but that you felt like you were in the way at the funeral and you don't want to repeat that, so could she just tell you what would be the best help you could offer? maybe she just needs an open and honest conversation. i can totally see how the other friend's email may have been hurtful. a good friend of mine is pregnant (after getting married 6 mon ago) and her mother just got diagnosed with terminal cancer. she and i were SO close before she got married, then she got absorbed in being married and then got pregnant so quickly and then the bad news of her mother was so sudden - she has totally drifted away from me and i feel SO bad about it. |
Anonymous
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OP, you sound wonderful. I know it's hard not to take it personally and you must be wondering at what point your friend will kind of wake up and get back to life, including friendships. It's really hard to say. There are a couple of things going on. First, I agree with a PP that she basically has to mourn a child and the expectations of a "normal childhood and life" for her DS. So she's going to be what seems unreasonably disinterested in your DS' life because it's a complete reminder of where her DS should be exactly. Second, there's her daily life. I have a child with mild SN and it entails a lot of intervention, appointments, etc. So I can only imagine what she has to deal with. When she says she can't imagine one more appointment, even if it's for her and would benefit her, I'm sure she's telling the truth. I don't think anyone can understand it until you live that. It's got to be a huge, huge drain and just doesn't leave her with time/mental energy to take care of herself let alone nuture her friends. Pregnancy and having a baby may be a wonderful blessing for her but it will also be another drain. I think it's going to be years yet before she's in a position emotionally, physically and practically to be a reciprocating friend.
As for where it leaves you and what to do, I can only say I hope you both continue to reach out to her and yet protect yourself emotionally. It sounds as though you're really doing your best to be understanding, not take it personally, and not be offended. I'm sorry you're not getting the validation you deserve (by her acknowledging your help, showing interest in your life and child, etc.). I think she just can't right now. I would just stay in her life by reaching out to say hi via email and phone even if she doesn't get back to you. Just "thinking of you" is nice. |