Advice needed regarding maintaining friendship with close friend with severely disabled child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This from a friend who went though a multi-year medical nightmare with her teenaged child:

Even "tell me what I can do to help" is a demand. I don't have time or brain space for any demands except [son]'s.

She went on to say that the best thing anyone did for her was to leave love on her answering machine. Love with no demands. She had one friend who called daily to say "I love you, you're in my prayers." There was no "call me when you get time" or "let me know if you need anything", because those would have required thought on the part of the mother of the sick kid.

So you could try this. Give without asking for or expecting anything in return. Don't do it in the hopes of saving your friendship... do it in the hopes of saving your friend. Even if there's nothing in it for you.

Not the parent of a SN child, but I delt with a parent who was horrifically injurred in an accident spending several months in a coma and years in recovery.

This is perfect. There are days when it is all you can do to get out of bed and make it through the day. Perfect.

[Anonymous]

Not the PP you're quoting but someone familiar with these scenarios. The SN aide may have been trying to be kind but, like Special Needs worker, she was really showing her ignorance. These statements are more typical of someone who has no experience with SN kids. Statements like this are double edged. They may seem encouraing but also indicate the parent is over-reacting or reading too much into something. Considering Special Needs worker and her co-workers feel the biggest handicap to the children are their parents, I'd be insulted, too.

Yes, thank you, exactly. It's not an insult on my parenting, it's just totally inane and annoying to hear this coming from someone who also thinks she knows more than I do.

No, dear. We just see things from a different POV. Your bitterness is blinding you.

I see no bitterness in the PPs, but your hubris is painfully apparent. I hope you change professions soon, you aren't in a field that suits you or benefits others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathetic PP here and I work with SN children. A very common statement in our field is that the biggest handicap the children have are the PARENTS. Life is hard for everybody and just because our challenges are different it doesn't mean people out there can't understand or relate to your reality.

Ah yes, the Special Needs worker who thinks that she knows more than the parents do about their own children and their disabilities. Truly a delight to deal with. Yes, just the other day the special needs aide at my daughter's kindergarten informed me that "in a few years, this will all be a haze...she will be running all over place, talking like crazy." Yeah. I guess it's just my big ole bad attitude that's holding her back.

She was trying to be kind, PP. I don't know why you interpreted her comment as an insult to your parenting. Again, have a little empathy for those who are trying to reach out but don't always say the right thing.

Not the PP you're quoting but someone familiar with these scenarios. The SN aide may have been trying to be kind but, like Special Needs worker, she was really showing her ignorance. These statements are more typical of someone who has no experience with SN kids. Statements like this are double edged. They may seem encouraing but also indicate the parent is over-reacting or reading too much into something. Considering Special Needs worker and her co-workers feel the biggest handicap to the children are their parents, I'd be insulted, too.

Yes, thank you, exactly. It's not an insult on my parenting, it's just totally inane and annoying to hear this coming from someone who also thinks she knows more than I do.

Then, really, there is nothing anyone can say to you. They are "ignorant", "insulting", etc., even when they are CLEARLY trying to be kind or show some empathy.

You sound like you need counseling. Maybe it would give you some perspective on how you interact with other people. Because, you do not get a pass for speaking to and about people the way you are just because of your child's SN. Flame away.

[Anonymous]

Then, really, there is nothing anyone can say to you. They are "ignorant", "insulting", etc., even when they are CLEARLY trying to be kind or show some empathy.

You sound like you need counseling. Maybe it would give you some perspective on how you interact with other people. Because, you do not get a pass for speaking to and about people the way you are just because of your child's SN. Flame away.

I mean this with a lot of kindness and empathy. Your ass is really big. But, in a few years, after you lose weight, you'll be running around like crazy and never remember what it was like to have such a fat ass. Your house also smells like someone missed the toilet when they peed and the urine as been there for a while. I understand it can be hard to get the smell out of your house because when I bake cookies, it can take a while for that delicious aroma to dissipate. I'm sure you're not insulted in the least because I'm trying to connect with you and to be kind. It doesn't matter how you feel, just that I'm trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This from a friend who went though a multi-year medical nightmare with her teenaged child:

Even "tell me what I can do to help" is a demand. I don't have time or brain space for any demands except [son]'s.

She went on to say that the best thing anyone did for her was to leave love on her answering machine. Love with no demands. She had one friend who called daily to say "I love you, you're in my prayers." There was no "call me when you get time" or "let me know if you need anything", because those would have required thought on the part of the mother of the sick kid.

So you could try this. Give without asking for or expecting anything in return. Don't do it in the hopes of saving your friendship... do it in the hopes of saving your friend. Even if there's nothing in it for you.

This may be the best advice I've ever read on DCUM. Can be applied to our lives in general, not just this situation. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Empathetic PP here and I work with SN children. A very common statement in our field is that the biggest handicap the children have are the PARENTS. Life is hard for everybody and just because our challenges are different it doesn't mean people out there can't understand or relate to your reality.

Ah yes, the Special Needs worker who thinks that she knows more than the parents do about their own children and their disabilities. Truly a delight to deal with. Yes, just the other day the special needs aide at my daughter's kindergarten informed me that "in a few years, this will all be a haze...she will be running all over place, talking like crazy." Yeah. I guess it's just my big ole bad attitude that's holding her back.

Read this, Debbie Downer...
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/207432.page

[Anonymous]

OP, just be there for her when she needs you. She'll eventually come back to your friendship when she and her son are a better place. My ASD DS is 7 and I'm still in seclusion until I can come to terms with it. It is a journey that takes time.