Reply to Advice needed regarding maintaining friendship with close friend with severely disabled child

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[quote=Anonymous]Op, I think that you have the best of intentions but it may just be very painful for your friend to be around you.  I am the parent of two special needs children that have nowhere near the issues your friend's son has.  You really have to think of this in terms of a loss -- she is mourning the child she thought she was going to have.  Of course, she is going to be a shell of her former self.  Can you imagine what she is going through? I had tons of therapy appointments for my kids when they were very young and it really was all-consuming.  Of course, I am happy for my friends and their children's milestones but it is difficult sometimes too.  I think that you need to give her space and let her know you are there for her if she wants to vent, to share or just to have a cup of coffee.  And please don't be offended if she doesn't ask about your child.  I'm sure that you have plenty of people to discuss your child with.  While I'm sure that it is upsetting to hear that she has some feelings of resentment, I think that you can't take those personally. At this point in her life, I'm sure that she resents anyone with a typical child (not that these are healthy feelings - they aren't but it is where she is at right now).  Please just think of it that way and cut her some slack.

Many many years ago my mom met a friend when they both delivered children on the same day at the same hospital (both boys). They became friendly and my mom brought her into her circle of friends and we celebrated the boys' birthdays together (my brother and the other boy). Then when the boys were about 4, the dad of the other boy was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  The other mom shut herself off from my mom and her friends, despite their efforts to stay close. She was selling her belongings, downsizing and preparing for the worst and she didn't want to be around their happy family lives.  Turns out the husband recovered and lived but this friend still stayed away.  She only came back when my mom was dying of cancer many years later.

My point is that friendships do drift apart b/c of events that happen to people.  Life can suck sometimes and that is where your friend is right now.  You have to adapt to her new normal -- don't ask her to do things she can't right now.[/quote]

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