Advice needed regarding maintaining friendship with close friend with severely disabled child

[Anonymous]

pp again: i tried everything to meet up with her, tlk to her, and finally she said to me "dh and i want to be alone. we don't want to socialize right now. i don't have the energy"

[Anonymous]

OP, as a special needs mom, a couple of things I want to say: (1) don't give up on your friend, no matter how isolated she makes herself. Please remember to call her, retain her on your Christmas Card list (or whatever list), and also expect your child to remember her child on his birthday, as he would remember any other of your friends' children, for his party or his social calls or whatever. It's not only she who is isolated, it's her child. (2) Please don't necessarily believe rumors about her being resentful or about her being anything else. People like to stereotype other people, not just special needs moms, but I have found that many people like to believe that special needs moms are resentful, or attribute many moods or feelings to us that we don't necessarily have. It's of course entirely possible that your friends is resentful of your well child, but unless you know this first-hand, don't feed the rumor mill.

Finally, your friend is really, really busy with her special needs child. He may have an extraordinary number of appointments. I know my child has about 3-4 therapy appointments a week -- speech, physical, occupational, plus school, plus 5-6 doctors that we go to. It's just totally draining. So it's not you she's blocking out. She wants a little time for herself.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm in your position. I have a friend with a severely disabled child that has a life expectancy of early teens at the most. Pls. realize that there is nothing that you can do or say to make her feel better. Give her space and time. Be a good listener - one of the MOST important things. My friend sometimes calls me in the middle of the night, after not having heard from her for 5 months or so and she talks, for a long time and that is okay. Don't offer advice, just an ear. That is all that is needed.

Your friendship will never be the same because she is not the same. Having a severely disabled child is devastating and incredibly hard on the parents. Your group of friends should NEVER judge her. They have not walked in her shoes.

Just be there when she needs you. Call once in a while and let her talk, vent. Bring over a coffee cake and a cappucchino and offer a hug.

This has been a life-changing experience for your friend and she can only deal with things day by day. There are no long term plans. We all have dreams about our children. When we are pregnant, we wonder what they look like when they are born and then we dream about them being in ballet, little league, soccer club. We talk about the college they might attend or what they will do with their future. All that is taken away from your friend in an instant. Gone. Done. Imagine that feeling! It is heart-wrenching and numbing.

I cannot tell you what you can do for her. Just take day by day, week by week and year by year. She may come around and start reaching out for you again, but don't pressure or push her. Keep her in your heart. She may need you someday more than you may think...

[Anonymous]

I have SN kids and can relate to your friend. I echo the advice of the other SN parents. It's hard for parents of NT kids to understand how emotionally exhausting it is. Plus, the strain that it puts on a marriage can't be underestimated. It sounds like your friend is depressed but there's not much you can do from a distance. I hope you can continue to remember your friend and reach out to her - and definitely don't do what your other friend did and write a letter. I can easily imagine how pissed off I'd be at getting such a letter and resentful of the added stress my 'friend' caused.

I think it's really kind of you to reach out like you have hope that even if it's not reciprocated in this short run that you can maintain the friendship for however long it may take your friend to resurface.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp again: i tried everything to meet up with her, tlk to her, and finally she said to me "dh and i want to be alone. we don't want to socialize right now. i don't have the energy"

If you really love her, keep doing what you are doing. Keep emailing her. Leave her messages. Send her a card or present. I am reminded of my step mom who does all these things but respects that as a struggling single parent I cannot reciprocate as I would like. But she loves me so she keeps on giving.

If you can't handle the reality that it is going to be a one sided friendship for a while, then drop her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even though we're not in the exact same situation, OP, I have a friend like this.

We started dating at the same time and while I kept going around with different boyfriends she stuck to one guy. She was in a relationship for 12 years!

I found DH, got married, had #1 and now I'm expecting #2. In a nutshell, she's been on and off of my life since I moved away for college - she stayed with her parents (and still does - we're 30yo).

Her aunt once said - Susie, what have you done wrong? You stuck with a guy for freaking 12 years and messed up. Your party animal friends played around and now are all happy. What went wrong? - right in front of me and another friend of hers who had the same life style.

She resents her choices (and I understand your friend's situation was not a choice) and we respect the boundaries she's established.

She didn't come for either our weddings but has been very present in our children's lives. She asks all 3 kids to call her auntie and showers them with gifts.

She comes around when something goes well - if she got a nice job or when she finds a cool guy but when things go downhill she shuts down again. We just go along with it. I want to be there for her when she needs it so I just don't force. Our other friend is a little more intrusive and present but that's just not who I am. Our relationship's dynamics are a bit different.

I don't know what's your style but just try to respect her limits.

This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though we're not in the exact same situation, OP, I have a friend like this.

We started dating at the same time and while I kept going around with different boyfriends she stuck to one guy. She was in a relationship for 12 years!

I found DH, got married, had #1 and now I'm expecting #2. In a nutshell, she's been on and off of my life since I moved away for college - she stayed with her parents (and still does - we're 30yo).

Her aunt once said - Susie, what have you done wrong? You stuck with a guy for freaking 12 years and messed up. Your party animal friends played around and now are all happy. What went wrong? - right in front of me and another friend of hers who had the same life style.

She resents her choices (and I understand your friend's situation was not a choice) and we respect the boundaries she's established.

She didn't come for either our weddings but has been very present in our children's lives. She asks all 3 kids to call her auntie and showers them with gifts.

She comes around when something goes well - if she got a nice job or when she finds a cool guy but when things go downhill she shuts down again. We just go along with it. I want to be there for her when she needs it so I just don't force. Our other friend is a little more intrusive and present but that's just not who I am. Our relationship's dynamics are a bit different.

I don't know what's your style but just try to respect her limits.

This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

Because self-centered people like this poster see themselves in every situation....?

[Anonymous]

OP, regardless of how long you have been friends (this is the tough part), sometimes it is destined to no longer work. It is inconceivably hard for your friend. You are not in her shoes. You mean well (more than most, I can say), but are never going to be in her shoes. She can reach out to you if she is up to it. Maybe it helps her to be around people more like her. Decide you are going to be an adult and get it.

[Anonymous]

I have known people who have lost children at birth, and those who have the "woe is me, no one has it worse..." attitude. Guess which one I would rather help? Guess which one is more open to help? Let her know you are there if she needs you, that is all you can do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, regardless of how long you have been friends (this is the tough part), sometimes it is destined to no longer work. It is inconceivably hard for your friend. You are not in her shoes. You mean well (more than most, I can say), but are never going to be in her shoes. She can reach out to you if she is up to it. Maybe it helps her to be around people more like her. Decide you are going to be an adult and get it.

This seems harsh. I'm sure OP is acting like an adult; she also wants to act like a caring friend. She is simply asking, not complaining or whining, and you seem a tad bitter and rude in the face of her honest desire to help. Your point could have been made less contemptuously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Even though we're not in the exact same situation, OP, I have a friend like this.

We started dating at the same time and while I kept going around with different boyfriends she stuck to one guy. She was in a relationship for 12 years!

I found DH, got married, had #1 and now I'm expecting #2. In a nutshell, she's been on and off of my life since I moved away for college - she stayed with her parents (and still does - we're 30yo).

Her aunt once said - Susie, what have you done wrong? You stuck with a guy for freaking 12 years and messed up. Your party animal friends played around and now are all happy. What went wrong? - right in front of me and another friend of hers who had the same life style.

She resents her choices (and I understand your friend's situation was not a choice) and we respect the boundaries she's established.

She didn't come for either our weddings but has been very present in our children's lives. She asks all 3 kids to call her auntie and showers them with gifts.

She comes around when something goes well - if she got a nice job or when she finds a cool guy but when things go downhill she shuts down again. We just go along with it. I want to be there for her when she needs it so I just don't force. Our other friend is a little more intrusive and present but that's just not who I am. Our relationship's dynamics are a bit different.

I don't know what's your style but just try to respect her limits.

This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

Because self-centered people like this poster see themselves in every situation....?

Some people have a little thing called EMPATHY and they can try to fit into other's shoes and try to help. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

Because self-centered people like this poster see themselves in every situation....?

Some people have a little thing called EMPATHY and they can try to fit into other's shoes and try to help. That's all.

Honey, that's not 'empathy' because it's NOTHING like OP's situation. I've got SN kids and it's people like you who think that experience allows you to understand what my challenges and then 'share' your story that really burn me up. It's like trying to commiserate with a cancer patient based on your experience with an ingrown toenail from a bad pedicure. Not the same at all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

Because self-centered people like this poster see themselves in every situation....?

Some people have a little thing called EMPATHY and they can try to fit into other's shoes and try to help. That's all.

Honey, that's not 'empathy' because it's NOTHING like OP's situation. I've got SN kids and it's people like you who think that experience allows you to understand what my challenges and then 'share' your story that really burn me up. It's like trying to commiserate with a cancer patient based on your experience with an ingrown toenail from a bad pedicure. Not the same at all!

Oh c'mon, she was just trying to connect to OP and help as best as she could. PP, I'm sure people who try to relate to you with their own experiences don't mean any harm - they're trying to reach out, albeit in a clumsy, awkward way. Perhaps you need to have a little compassion and empathy for others who are less than perfect but are sincerely trying. I'm a SN parent myself but I don't get offended by these efforts (unless people are actually being critical or hurtful).

[Anonymous]

If you want to try to understand your friend better, I recommend reading the Collection of Essays--" My Baby rides the Short Bus". It is written by different authors and gives a lot of perspectives of what it is like to parent a child with special needs.
Also, the article "Holland Schmolland" is Good.

Everyone reacts differently to living with a child with significant needs. Yes, it can be at times be very painful to relate to parents who have kids with no extra challenges. I know personally I don't want anyone's pity so I don't want to talk about problems I have with my child, I may chose to talk about it with other parents whose kids have challenges but not necessarily other friends.;..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't even REMOTELY relevant to what OP's situation is. Why in the world would you even think that it is!?

Because self-centered people like this poster see themselves in every situation....?

Some people have a little thing called EMPATHY and they can try to fit into other's shoes and try to help. That's all.

Honey, that's not 'empathy' because it's NOTHING like OP's situation. I've got SN kids and it's people like you who think that experience allows you to understand what my challenges and then 'share' your story that really burn me up. It's like trying to commiserate with a cancer patient based on your experience with an ingrown toenail from a bad pedicure. Not the same at all!

Empathetic PP here and I work with SN children. A very common statement in our field is that the biggest handicap the children have are the PARENTS. Life is hard for everybody and just because our challenges are different it doesn't mean people out there can't understand or relate to your reality.

People like you give SN moms a bad name. Get over it already. You're not the only one and your situation is not the worst ever.