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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. [b]He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay[/b]. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.[/quote]

New poster. Admit I have not read the many pages here so apologies, OP,  if this has been asked and answered. Here goes:

See the bold, OP.

So you haven't asked--that's understandable, but what level of communication have you and your DH actually had about this topic? Is there a chance he might be assuming you would be insulted if he offered, so he's sitting there not offering, while you're assuming he wouldn't want to do this, so you're sitting there not even discussing it? In your shoes I'd hate to think that assumptions on both sides could mean you and he are both actually wrong, and DD misses out. I'm not saying he should pay anything at all -- I"m saying it sounds as if you and he haven't discussed it either way. Maybe you worry that even broaching the subject will make him feel pressured. But he surely sees and hears DD's frustration and acting out, no? And he surely knows it's about jealousy over college choice, right? Then the subject IS out there but not being discussed. Even if that discussion is, "I know you see DD is jealous over college choices and I want you to know I do not expect you to pay for DD's college tuition."

As for DD, I really, really hope you do not lose patience with her. Yes, she's being a pain. Yes, she can't be allowed to snark at people. But her jealousy is understandable--she sees kids she's expected to feel connected to being treated differently and though she's a teen that does not mean she has outgrown being sensitive to who gets what.

It might help to use a college counselor who can be apprised of the situation in detail and who can steer DD toward colleges similar to what she wants but at a different price point. Yet a counselor costs $$. Is DD overly focused on very specific schools or is the jealousy general? If you can help her find schools that have the majors she wants but which are less expensive, and she can visit and see them for herself, that could help.

The No. 1 thing I'd ask though is whether you and DH are in full communication about all this (no matter the result--again, he doens't have to pay a cent but might want to contribute something) or if you and he are making assumptions about each others' positions without actually discussing them frankly. Like I said, if this got covered above, it's moot. [/quote]

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