Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

I was a SAHM for several years. I wouldn't have chosen that path had my DH not been an involved parent. We couldn't afford to out source anything but he helped a lot with household tasks and did bedtime, weekend breakfasts out with the kids so I coud rest, etc.

I am an introvert so I didn't do playgroups or meetups. Mornings at the park, afternoons at the library, and downtime at home. I loved it. But now back at work and finding that I like working more than I thought I would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

I wish I knew families with a SAHM where the dad did his share at home and is an equal partner, but I do not. I truly don’t know a single family. Sometimes I don’t want to work but from what I’ve observed from other families, becoming a SAHM is practically a surefire way to not be a marriage of equals.

Come to my house. My dh took paternity leave when I went back to work after maternity leave. That really set us on the right course I think. I didn't SAH until my oldest was 4 yrs old but my dh shares 50% of the work with kids and house when he is off the clock. I have had some illness and he did way more than 50% when I was sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yes, I'm so refreshed from work all day? We aren't hanging out at the spa while our kids are at day care. I seriously am not trying to start a fight, but being refreshed is not how I feel at 5 pm m-f.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yes, I'm so refreshed from work all day? We aren't hanging out at the spa while our kids are at day care. I seriously am not trying to start a fight, but being refreshed is not how I feel at 5 pm m-f.

But I bet it feels better than being with your kids all day and doing mindless chores all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but unexpectedly SAH due to DC medical issue the past month. I was always very curious what it would be like. My job is very flexible and I had basically a year off with each kid to work from home, but I also had help so it wasn’t the full experience.

What surprised me most — 1) the tedium. Constant food preparation became mind numbing, and on top of that the cycle of laundry, tidying, etc. Each task was fine in itself but the feeling of always having another repetitive task to do was not restful. 2) missed my work. I loved the time I had with DC but I also felt like I wasn’t engaging other parts of myself. There was bliss and awe of all the little moments with DC, but if I’m honest, also restlessness and a frustrating lack of stimulation at times. 3) fragmentation of mental space. Especially missed the chance to have thoughts that last longer than a minute or two. My work involves lots of abstract thinking, teaching, research, engaging with art etc. and this was in some ways the polar opposite because I could never get a train of thought longer than 15 seconds. 4) Less patience for both children, because DC1 would come home at the end of a long day and I’d be emotionally spent. Days in general felt much longer. More of a “second shift” feeling once kids went to sleep. 5) identity shift, not in a good way. I felt such relief at the thought that I had another life besides this one, another world. My mind became a lot more anxious at home, somehow, as if it was focused on minutiae only and everything else fell away. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do such intense caretaking and support, day in and day out, and not lose him or herself.

It was a valuable experience, though, and probably cured my itch to do it full time. The grass is always greener.

OP here- this is incredibly helpful. I actually wish I could test drive being a SAH mom like this— part of me thinks I will share this experience, but the other side wonders if it would be more like those who posted earlier saying that after a 10 yr high pressure career, SAH was easy

Can you take a leave of absence?
I am one that found SAH easier than working. But I will say that I have no expectations of being a great housekeeper, and I didn’t really change how much I cook and clean from when I was working. I just do the same stuff I was doing before at home in the mornings, except now when I drop the older kids off at school, I go to the playground and the library, over to visit friends, and dance class. Then we go home for nap at 1. I paint and play with the kids who are too old to nap, but too young for school, then we go get older kids at school and do the evening stuff.

OP, I think doing a "test drive" is a great idea, but if that's not practical, then I'd suggest taking some time to reflect on the your personality and the things that make you happy. I remember thinking one time while putting Tupperware away in the pantry that I would have to find meaning in doing menial tasks like this if I stayed at home and I could never do that. (That's how I felt, I'm not saying everyone feels that way). And I am totally Type A and love a super neat house and well-organized pantry. I just have one of those brains that doesn't like to turn off, is always trying to figure out problems, loves complicated issues, etc., and for me, staying home was not going to be a good choice. I was fortunate enough to be able to take an extended maternity leave from my job to figure out if I wanted to stay home or not and came to the realization that I did not. As much as I love my kids and did find intense joy during those moments when we'd snuggle quietly or lay down together, I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't being intellectually challenged, and that was a deal breaker for me. So if you can't take some time off from work to figure out if that's the right choice for you, you should at least spend time writing down the things that make you happy during the day, acknowledging your brain and how it works, and see if being away from your job is the right call for you. There are so many different personalities and different jobs that there is no right answer for everyone here - but knowing yourself and who you are and how you operate and what you like and what you want ought to help you figure out if staying home is right for you. And just to be clear, I am not saying that SAHMs are brainless or stupid or anything, so no one get all riled up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAH doesn’t sound like a good fit for you. People whose identities are wrapped up in work should not do this.

Why are you even considering this? If you’re burnt out at work, get a new job.

Newsflash - not every working mom's identity is wrapped up in her work. If you asked me what I was, I'd say wife, mother, daughter, friend, equestrian, dog-lover, and a million other things before I'd say lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a SAHM for 7 years and then went back to work FT. I have friends who are both. The biggest difference to me is that some of my SAHMs obsess over the small things and make themselves anxious. The WOHMs need to prioritize what’s most important. You’d think the WOHMs would be more stressed out but sometimes that’s not the case. And yes, I also used to agonize over small things as a SAHM and while I’m still drawn to certain things, I just have to let them go. I guess being WOH made me more of a realist instead of idealist.

I agree with this 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Kids need to feel loved by their parents and extended families. (They know money is no substitute.)

How does a kid feel loved when no family is home all day? And when mom or dad are home, they’re usually caught up in a bazillion ‘more important’ things to do.

Complete strangers are filling the void, in one way or another. Is that what you really want? Is it really worth the glory of being a duel “working” parent scenario?

Good parenting is an actual job, probably the hardest job there is. And most important job, because when it gets messed up, really bad things can happen down the road. Your child is worth your time - lots of it, because that’s what it takes.

Oh give me a break. Most dual income families I know are parents with flexible jobs. DH and I both make six figures and can set our own schedules around core hours, work from home, etc. This allows us to stagger our schedules so we certainly aren’t neglecting our kids all day long. Disposable income means we can outsource things so we aren’t caught up in “a bazillion” more important things when not working.

This isn’t a slam on SAHMs. I think every family should do what is right for them, which can change at any given moment in time and vary based on parental strengths, availability of family help, and income earning potential.

But your skewed “view” on how 2 working parent households operate sounds like a fantasy you tell yourself to justify whatever life decisions you’ve made. And while money is not a substitute for love, study after study shows there are ample benefits to socioeconomic security. My kids have awesome federal health insurance thanks to me. They will never have to take out a student loan or otherwise start their adult lives saddled in debt. They will be able to experience travel, extracurriculars, etc. We already have a ton saved for retirement by mid thirties, so our kids will not have to struggle financially to care for us in old age.

Some people can do this on one income and it makes sense to have a SAHP if the breadwinner spouse does not have a flexible schedule. But for many of us, having two careers is immensely beneficial for our family even though this contradicts your simple worldview.

+1

Original PP you sound like you live somewhere very sheltered - you ought to get out more. If making up some sort of fictitious dual (not duel) working parent scenario makes you feel better about your choices, go ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yes, I'm so refreshed from work all day? We aren't hanging out at the spa while our kids are at day care. I seriously am not trying to start a fight, but being refreshed is not how I feel at 5 pm m-f.

But I bet it feels better than being with your kids all day and doing mindless chores all day.

So get a job. Solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

Sorry you wound really naive to the point of stupidity here.

Also do ya'll even crack 400k? I wouldn't consider you to be "high earners." Middle class at best in the DC area.

I'm not PP but our HHI is way higher than that and we have very flexible jobs, as do all our friends. No one works on weekends, everyone has dinner at home with their families, everyone participates in kids' school and sports events, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

It is hilarious that you proved my point and do not recognize your privilege. Good for you, honey!

Honey, I hope you've seen by now that MANY people have posted that they are in the same boat as PP. I, for one, do recognize that I'm privileged, but I'm also not in the minority. Are you a SAHM out of curiosity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, SAH doesn’t sound like a good fit for you. People whose identities are wrapped up in work should not do this.

Why are you even considering this? If you’re burnt out at work, get a new job.

Newsflash - not every working mom's identity is wrapped up in her work. If you asked me what I was, I'd say wife, mother, daughter, friend, equestrian, dog-lover, and a million other things before I'd say lawyer.

The point the poster was making is that IF someone has their identity tied up in their work THEN they shouldn't become a stay at home mom.

She made no generalizations about women who work outside of the home.

Defensive much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yes, I'm so refreshed from work all day? We aren't hanging out at the spa while our kids are at day care. I seriously am not trying to start a fight, but being refreshed is not how I feel at 5 pm m-f.

But I bet it feels better than being with your kids all day and doing mindless chores all day.

I don't know because I'm not a SAHM, but it seems you don't really like it if its this miserable for you. Optimally, I would work part time, but that's not an option for me. I'm basically always exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Resentment to DH as stated upthread, but also the resentment towards WOH moms whose kids are in daycare. I'm sorry if I'm not feeling chipper and enthusiastic like you - You are "refreshed" and haven't been with your kids since the moment they work up like a SAHM. So, yea, I am a bit burnt out by the time it is 430pm - my kids have been awake for the last 8+ hours and bedtime isn't for another 4 hours. Those 12 hrs days get long even with screen time mixed in (gasp!), outings/playground/nature center, playdates, etc. 24/7.

Yes, I'm so refreshed from work all day? We aren't hanging out at the spa while our kids are at day care. I seriously am not trying to start a fight, but being refreshed is not how I feel at 5 pm m-f.

But I bet it feels better than being with your kids all day and doing mindless chores all day.

I don't know because I'm not a SAHM, but it seems you don't really like it if its this miserable for you. Optimally, I would work part time, but that's not an option for me. I'm basically always exhausted.

Just going to throw it out there that I work ALL day, come home very "un"refreshed and still have a ton of mindless chores waiting for me after swim team practice.