Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

[Anonymous]

I am happy that many people have flexible jobs and they do not have to be SAHMs to small kids.

I am also happy that many people choose to be SAHMs to their small kids.


The unexpected part of being a SAHM to my own small kids was that I got to be with them and enjoy them - 24-7. Since I love kids, I was in bliss. My DH supported me and was appreciative of it. I will probably go back to work after they are out of school for a few years for very low level, low pay job, if I miss being an empty nester. Money is not a problem till now and I hope things remain like this for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

Are you serious? Being a SAHM more or less makes you the default parent. You aren’t away for business trips so the kids are rarely left only with the dad. It’s always assumed you will be home. This means the dad is automatically less involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

It is hilarious that you proved my point and do not recognize your privilege. Good for you, honey!

According to you, I’m “privileged” and according to another PP, I’m “not even a high earner.” Which is weird because I never claimed to be a high earner. As echoed by plenty of other posters though, flexible jobs are hardly unique now. In fact, with the rise of dual income families, employers are using flexibility as a recruiting perk since work/life balance is in huge demand.

And again, I’m not saying anything negative about SAHMs. Just dispelling this myth that you either need a SAHP or have your child in daycare from sun up to sun down without any free time on weekends to spend with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

I wish I knew families with a SAHM where the dad did his share at home and is an equal partner, but I do not. I truly don’t know a single family. Sometimes I don’t want to work but from what I’ve observed from other families, becoming a SAHM is practically a surefire way to not be a marriage of equals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

It is hilarious that you proved my point and do not recognize your privilege. Good for you, honey!

According to you, I’m “privileged” and according to another PP, I’m “not even a high earner.” Which is weird because I never claimed to be a high earner. As echoed by plenty of other posters though, flexible jobs are hardly unique now. In fact, with the rise of dual income families, employers are using flexibility as a recruiting perk since work/life balance is in huge demand.

And again, I’m not saying anything negative about SAHMs. Just dispelling this myth that you either need a SAHP or have your child in daycare from sun up to sun down without any free time on weekends to spend with them.

This!!!!!! Flexibility is very common now. If you’re staying home because you think you can’t find a flexible job then you’re very misinformed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

Are you serious? Being a SAHM more or less makes you the default parent. You aren’t away for business trips so the kids are rarely left only with the dad. It’s always assumed you will be home. This means the dad is automatically less involved.

Being the default parent doesn't make you automatically a good parent. There are plenty of abusive SAHMs out there. Similarly, a WOHD can be an excellent parent who raises great kids.

Honestly to me it's odd that you think hours spent automatically equates to good parenting. It makes me think you haven't seen much of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

Sorry you wound really naive to the point of stupidity here.

Also do ya'll even crack 400k? I wouldn't consider you to be "high earners." Middle class at best in the DC area.

Where do you see any claim that I’m a “high earner.” I said we are “fortunate,” which is true. I don’t need 400k a year to count my blessings. In fact, you are actually making my point for me, that my scenario is quite common, so maybe you should improve your reading comprehension??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

Are you serious? Being a SAHM more or less makes you the default parent. You aren’t away for business trips so the kids are rarely left only with the dad. It’s always assumed you will be home. This means the dad is automatically less involved.

Being the default parent doesn't make you automatically a good parent. There are plenty of abusive SAHMs out there. Similarly, a WOHD can be an excellent parent who raises great kids.

Honestly to me it's odd that you think hours spent automatically equates to good parenting. It makes me think you haven't seen much of the world.

I was saying the opposite! I think a SAHM being the default parent is a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

Are you serious? Being a SAHM more or less makes you the default parent. You aren’t away for business trips so the kids are rarely left only with the dad. It’s always assumed you will be home. This means the dad is automatically less involved.

Being the default parent doesn't make you automatically a good parent. There are plenty of abusive SAHMs out there. Similarly, a WOHD can be an excellent parent who raises great kids.

Honestly to me it's odd that you think hours spent automatically equates to good parenting. It makes me think you haven't seen much of the world.

I was saying the opposite! I think a SAHM being the default parent is a bad thing.

And I am saying that there are many wonderful SAHM/WOHD families where the WOHD is an involved, dedicated, good parent.

I flat-out disagree with the notion that WOHDs with a SAHM can't be excellent parents. I work full-time, by the way, as does my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd argue that most parents of young kids, working or no, socialize with family and other parents with similar age kids. That's not just true of SAHMs. People tend to flock to others like themselves.

Really?
I have done both, and I found it very difficult to socialize much when I was working. I got up, did household chores, got myself ready, got kids ready, went to work, got my work done as quickly as possible so I could get out on time, typically eating lunch at my desk while writing notes and making phone calls. Then I picked up kids, made/ate dinner, played outside for a few minutes, put them to bed, then went to bed. I am a doctor, so I did interact with people all day long, but it wasn’t anything that I would consider “social.”
As a SAHM, I do a ton of socializing. Today, I will take my kids to the pool where I will sit with some mom friends and chat. Every Friday, I have a playgroup. Last week, my cousin and I drove out about 600 miles to see my sister and her family. Next week, I have a morning scheduled with the spouses of the people in DH’s department to socialize (and figure out vacations over the holidays). Later in the week, I have a three day camping trip planned with some girlfriends. Also, 2-3 days/wk I meet four other women and we go rowing.
I couldn’t do any of that socializing when I was working FT.

Do you regret not using your medical degree and training? Serious question.

Not really. I volunteer at a free clinic at a homeless shelter a couple of times a week when the kids are in school.
And I still work one weekend every other month on the inpatient unit and teach a couple of classes to the medical students when they rotate through my specialty every couple of months. So even though I don’t work much, it isn’t like I never use it at all. I will go back and work more when my kids are older or out of the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work full-time but the idea that SAHMs are socially stunted and unable to socialize is patently ridiculous. I am good friends with several SAHMs and of course they go out and have full social lives. I don't know a single one that fits the description of this limited woman under her husband's thumb. Also, most of them are married to good men who do their part of childrearing.

Similarly, of course there are many working parents who work flexibly, don't work crazy hours, share childcare evenly, have time to volunteer in classrooms and supervise homework, have very close relationships with their kids, etc.

Honestly sometimes I wonder how some of you DCUM posters manage to raise children, given how limited, rigid, and inflexible your world views are.

You don't know any SAHMs whose husbands aren't involved parents? Honestly, that's really surprising.

That is exactly opposite of what I wrote, not sure how you got that. I know many SAHMs with involved husbands.

PP here. Whoops, I am an idiot and misread. But to answer your question, I don't know many SAHMs with uninvolved husbands.

I don't think good parenting is correlated at all to SAHM or working, tbh.

I agree. I also don't think that being on "kid duty" while the SAHM is off on a girls' weekend necessarily makes a husband and "involved parent". It simply means that it is his turn to watch the kids. When he wants to go fishing with his buddies, his wife will be on child duty. For all you know, they could both be planting the kids in front of the t.v. with a bag of chips when it's their time for "kid duty".

Personally, the idea of taking separate vacations has never really appealed to me. Maybe if that had been a priority for us we would have found a way to make it happen.