Unexpected parts of becoming a SAHM to small kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

Not sure where you’re getting this. My anecdote was about how my SAHM friends have all mentioned their desire for a flexible job and in the same conversation mentioned telework.

I’m not sure most working women would say their career has suffered. Maybe some, but not most women I know.

FWIW, i would reconsider your current approach. If you make parenting and child rearing your job you’re going to drive your children crazy. Someone with a type A personality needs other things to keep them busy. You’ll end up a helicopter hoverer without a job. Get one and try to learn coping skills so you don’t have to limit yourself to staying home in order to avoid imperfections.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

Not sure where you’re getting this. My anecdote was about how my SAHM friends have all mentioned their desire for a flexible job and in the same conversation mentioned telework.

I’m not sure most working women would say their career has suffered. Maybe some, but not most women I know.

FWIW, i would reconsider your current approach. If you make parenting and child rearing your job you’re going to drive your children crazy. Someone with a type A personality needs other things to keep them busy. You’ll end up a helicopter hoverer without a job. Get one and try to learn coping skills so you don’t have to limit yourself to staying home in order to avoid imperfections.

Good luck

Wow, thank you so much for the generous life advice. I absolutely will reconsider my current approach.

I hadn't realized it, but you're entirely right - I AM driving my preschooler and toddler crazy by staying at home with them full-time. Certainly I have zero interests or hobbies outside my children, and without a job, who am I? Nobody, that's who.

I'll send out my resume tonight. Thanks PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

Not sure where you’re getting this. My anecdote was about how my SAHM friends have all mentioned their desire for a flexible job and in the same conversation mentioned telework.

I’m not sure most working women would say their career has suffered. Maybe some, but not most women I know.

FWIW, i would reconsider your current approach. If you make parenting and child rearing your job you’re going to drive your children crazy. Someone with a type A personality needs other things to keep them busy. You’ll end up a helicopter hoverer without a job. Get one and try to learn coping skills so you don’t have to limit yourself to staying home in order to avoid imperfections.

Good luck

Wow, thank you so much for the generous life advice. I absolutely will reconsider my current approach.

I hadn't realized it, but you're entirely right - I AM driving my preschooler and toddler crazy by staying at home with them full-time. Certainly I have zero interests or hobbies outside my children, and without a job, who am I? Nobody, that's who.

I'll send out my resume tonight. Thanks PP!

m

It’s not that you’re nobody without a job. It’s that based on the description you provided, it’s a recipe for disaster. Too much time on your hands and only two kids. I know because I grew up with a mom like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Ah, a humblebrag at its finest!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

+100

[Anonymous]

I had my children late. I already had my 20+ years in. What amazed me was the concept that raiding the children wasn’t really “work”. This according to those who were paying nannys their hard earned extra cash.
Other than that I loved it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

Not sure where you’re getting this. My anecdote was about how my SAHM friends have all mentioned their desire for a flexible job and in the same conversation mentioned telework.

I’m not sure most working women would say their career has suffered. Maybe some, but not most women I know.

FWIW, i would reconsider your current approach. If you make parenting and child rearing your job you’re going to drive your children crazy. Someone with a type A personality needs other things to keep them busy. You’ll end up a helicopter hoverer without a job. Get one and try to learn coping skills so you don’t have to limit yourself to staying home in order to avoid imperfections.

Good luck

Wow, thank you so much for the generous life advice. I absolutely will reconsider my current approach.

I hadn't realized it, but you're entirely right - I AM driving my preschooler and toddler crazy by staying at home with them full-time. Certainly I have zero interests or hobbies outside my children, and without a job, who am I? Nobody, that's who.

I'll send out my resume tonight. Thanks PP!

m

It’s not that you’re nobody without a job. It’s that based on the description you provided, it’s a recipe for disaster. Too much time on your hands and only two kids. I know because I grew up with a mom like this.

And of course, your experience is everyone else’s, too...right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but unexpectedly SAH due to DC medical issue the past month. I was always very curious what it would be like. My job is very flexible and I had basically a year off with each kid to work from home, but I also had help so it wasn’t the full experience.

What surprised me most — 1) the tedium. Constant food preparation became mind numbing, and on top of that the cycle of laundry, tidying, etc. Each task was fine in itself but the feeling of always having another repetitive task to do was not restful. 2) missed my work. I loved the time I had with DC but I also felt like I wasn’t engaging other parts of myself. There was bliss and awe of all the little moments with DC, but if I’m honest, also restlessness and a frustrating lack of stimulation at times. 3) fragmentation of mental space. Especially missed the chance to have thoughts that last longer than a minute or two. My work involves lots of abstract thinking, teaching, research, engaging with art etc. and this was in some ways the polar opposite because I could never get a train of thought longer than 15 seconds. 4) Less patience for both children, because DC1 would come home at the end of a long day and I’d be emotionally spent. Days in general felt much longer. More of a “second shift” feeling once kids went to sleep. 5) identity shift, not in a good way. I felt such relief at the thought that I had another life besides this one, another world. My mind became a lot more anxious at home, somehow, as if it was focused on minutiae only and everything else fell away. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do such intense caretaking and support, day in and day out, and not lose him or herself.

It was a valuable experience, though, and probably cured my itch to do it full time. The grass is always greener.

OP here- this is incredibly helpful. I actually wish I could test drive being a SAH mom like this— part of me thinks I will share this experience, but the other side wonders if it would be more like those who posted earlier saying that after a 10 yr high pressure career, SAH was easy

Can you take a leave of absence?
I am one that found SAH easier than working. But I will say that I have no expectations of being a great housekeeper, and I didn’t really change how much I cook and clean from when I was working. I just do the same stuff I was doing before at home in the mornings, except now when I drop the older kids off at school, I go to the playground and the library, over to visit friends, and dance class. Then we go home for nap at 1. I paint and play with the kids who are too old to nap, but too young for school, then we go get older kids at school and do the evening stuff.

OP, I think doing a "test drive" is a great idea, but if that's not practical, then I'd suggest taking some time to reflect on the your personality and the things that make you happy. I remember thinking one time while putting Tupperware away in the pantry that I would have to find meaning in doing menial tasks like this if I stayed at home and I could never do that. (That's how I felt, I'm not saying everyone feels that way). And I am totally Type A and love a super neat house and well-organized pantry. I just have one of those brains that doesn't like to turn off, is always trying to figure out problems, loves complicated issues, etc., and for me, staying home was not going to be a good choice. I was fortunate enough to be able to take an extended maternity leave from my job to figure out if I wanted to stay home or not and came to the realization that I did not. As much as I love my kids and did find intense joy during those moments when we'd snuggle quietly or lay down together, I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't being intellectually challenged, and that was a deal breaker for me. So if you can't take some time off from work to figure out if that's the right choice for you, you should at least spend time writing down the things that make you happy during the day, acknowledging your brain and how it works, and see if being away from your job is the right call for you. There are so many different personalities and different jobs that there is no right answer for everyone here - but knowing yourself and who you are and how you operate and what you like and what you want ought to help you figure out if staying home is right for you. And just to be clear, I am not saying that SAHMs are brainless or stupid or anything, so no one get all riled up.

Child psychiatrist turned SAHM here. Your Tupperware example is silly. You don’t have to find meaning in tasks like that. This is like saying that as a psychiatrist, I need to find meaning in printing out after visit summaries and handing them to patients. Or that as a teacher you need to find meaning in stacking all of the tissue boxes in your classroom.
There are important, interesting, and meaningful parts to parenthood and watching children grow into adulthood. So, yes, you need to find meaning in disciplining your child in a way that makes sense to them, and mimicking the joy on their faces when they accomplish a new task, or having a discussion about right and wrong, or teaching them how to love family and friends and nature, or watching them play. But no, you don’t need to find meaning in putting Tupperware away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a WOHM but unexpectedly SAH due to DC medical issue the past month. I was always very curious what it would be like. My job is very flexible and I had basically a year off with each kid to work from home, but I also had help so it wasn’t the full experience.

What surprised me most — 1) the tedium. Constant food preparation became mind numbing, and on top of that the cycle of laundry, tidying, etc. Each task was fine in itself but the feeling of always having another repetitive task to do was not restful. 2) missed my work. I loved the time I had with DC but I also felt like I wasn’t engaging other parts of myself. There was bliss and awe of all the little moments with DC, but if I’m honest, also restlessness and a frustrating lack of stimulation at times. 3) fragmentation of mental space. Especially missed the chance to have thoughts that last longer than a minute or two. My work involves lots of abstract thinking, teaching, research, engaging with art etc. and this was in some ways the polar opposite because I could never get a train of thought longer than 15 seconds. 4) Less patience for both children, because DC1 would come home at the end of a long day and I’d be emotionally spent. Days in general felt much longer. More of a “second shift” feeling once kids went to sleep. 5) identity shift, not in a good way. I felt such relief at the thought that I had another life besides this one, another world. My mind became a lot more anxious at home, somehow, as if it was focused on minutiae only and everything else fell away. I think it takes a certain kind of person to do such intense caretaking and support, day in and day out, and not lose him or herself.

It was a valuable experience, though, and probably cured my itch to do it full time. The grass is always greener.

OP here- this is incredibly helpful. I actually wish I could test drive being a SAH mom like this— part of me thinks I will share this experience, but the other side wonders if it would be more like those who posted earlier saying that after a 10 yr high pressure career, SAH was easy

Can you take a leave of absence?
I am one that found SAH easier than working. But I will say that I have no expectations of being a great housekeeper, and I didn’t really change how much I cook and clean from when I was working. I just do the same stuff I was doing before at home in the mornings, except now when I drop the older kids off at school, I go to the playground and the library, over to visit friends, and dance class. Then we go home for nap at 1. I paint and play with the kids who are too old to nap, but too young for school, then we go get older kids at school and do the evening stuff.

OP, I think doing a "test drive" is a great idea, but if that's not practical, then I'd suggest taking some time to reflect on the your personality and the things that make you happy. I remember thinking one time while putting Tupperware away in the pantry that I would have to find meaning in doing menial tasks like this if I stayed at home and I could never do that. (That's how I felt, I'm not saying everyone feels that way). And I am totally Type A and love a super neat house and well-organized pantry. I just have one of those brains that doesn't like to turn off, is always trying to figure out problems, loves complicated issues, etc., and for me, staying home was not going to be a good choice. I was fortunate enough to be able to take an extended maternity leave from my job to figure out if I wanted to stay home or not and came to the realization that I did not. As much as I love my kids and did find intense joy during those moments when we'd snuggle quietly or lay down together, I couldn't handle the fact that I wasn't being intellectually challenged, and that was a deal breaker for me. So if you can't take some time off from work to figure out if that's the right choice for you, you should at least spend time writing down the things that make you happy during the day, acknowledging your brain and how it works, and see if being away from your job is the right call for you. There are so many different personalities and different jobs that there is no right answer for everyone here - but knowing yourself and who you are and how you operate and what you like and what you want ought to help you figure out if staying home is right for you. And just to be clear, I am not saying that SAHMs are brainless or stupid or anything, so no one get all riled up.

Child psychiatrist turned SAHM here. Your Tupperware example is silly. You don’t have to find meaning in tasks like that. This is like saying that as a psychiatrist, I need to find meaning in printing out after visit summaries and handing them to patients. Or that as a teacher you need to find meaning in stacking all of the tissue boxes in your classroom.
There are important, interesting, and meaningful parts to parenthood and watching children grow into adulthood. So, yes, you need to find meaning in disciplining your child in a way that makes sense to them, and mimicking the joy on their faces when they accomplish a new task, or having a discussion about right and wrong, or teaching them how to love family and friends and nature, or watching them play. But no, you don’t need to find meaning in putting Tupperware away.

You must have been an awesome psychiatrist if you told your patients their thoughts were silly. Also, you do realize that working parents (and I'm expanding this because people seem to forget that the majority of dads out there work) discipline their children, share their joys, have discussions about right and wrong, etc., correct? Of course you do. So since those are the parts of parenting that all parents do, what is it that stay at home parents do more than working parents? Generally it's the menial tasks like cleaning the house, making meals, putting Tupperware away. Your defensiveness for the path you've chosen to take really overtook your ability to actually understand the post to which you responded. You might want to talk to a therapist about that.

[Anonymous]

I didn't expect it to be so boring! I found a PT work from home job. The pay isn't the best but it keeps me happy. I can be with my children most of the day and I get to work. It's a win win. The traffic in my city is sooooo bad. My husband has never been offered to work remotely. I don't know too many people who work from home.

[Anonymous]

So much anger. It sounds like jealousy to me. I did not get mad when you tell me your job is filing claims at the insurance company or being a preschool teacher or answering the phone or being a lawyer but you are pissed red in the face that I SAHM? Calm down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not know any dual family homes with flexible jobs. Most people do not have flexibility in their jobs. Most are unfulfilled at their jobs. Most do not have job security. Most do not make tons of money. Most people work because their paycheck is required at home.

If you have the luxury of outsourcing your chores, making your kids lives stress free, flexibility of schedule to not have caretakers do the parenting, being there for your children all the time, not being run ragged yourself - you are very blessed and you are also an anomaly as a SAH/WOH/WAH parent. This scenario is not what is available to majority of parents in any capacity.

Really? I feel like almost everyone I know in the DC area has a flexible job unless they are big law and have a SAH spouse. I went into government (GS-14 fed attorney) and it’s very stable and flexible. DH is in IT consulting and a lot of that work is done remotely with flexible hours except client meetings. I feel like we are pretty typical for the area.

Obviously we know we are fortunate, but I wanted to provide a counter to the doomsday scenario presented where kids are left with strangers or ignored 24/7 by working parents, which is not standard of the working parents I know. Our kids do attend a high quality Montessori preschool, but I would not qualify that as caretakers doing “the parenting.” Even the SAHMs I’m friends with send their kids out for at least part time preschool. It’s honestly good for kids to get out a bit on their own.

+1

Our friends all have flexible jobs, make good money, and enjoy their work. I literally can't think of a single person out of all of them who doesn't feel that way. And I'm talking about dozens and dozens of people. Obviously your circle of friends is different, but that doesn't mean that your situation is the majority.

I think sometimes when you hear SAHMs say they couldn't "find a job" with flexibility, what they are really trying to say is that they couldn't figure out how to run at full speed in their previous career AND take the flexibility needed to raise a family. And, they didn't want (or didn't know how) to slow down in their career without just coming to a complete stop.

I SAH, and I'm an all-or-nothing kind of person - which I don't take pride in, by the way - and when I realized after having kids that I couldn't BOTH be at the absolute freaking top of my game, AND be the mother I wanted to be, I decided to take a break from my career to SAH. Frankly, I was a high-achieving, type-A, Ivy-educated woman, and I'd been told my whole life I was the "future" and I'd "change the world" etc etc, and when it was clear I couldn't be PERFECT at everything, I felt I had to choose. It's been great for my mental health to take a break from my career, to realize I have an identity that is separate from my achievements, and to see in others what true balance looks like. I also am determined not to raise my children with the same pressure to achieve I felt as a kid (and continue to feel from my family, frankly).

So, if I say I couldn't find a job that was "flexible," what I mean is that if I pursued my career while trying to do 50% of the parenting, I would have been unhappy with both my career and my parenting. That's on me. I wish I were different, I'm working on being different, and I hope to work part-time in the future and achieve more balance.

Interesting. My performance at work hasn’t suffered one bit. I do leave pretty early but this requires me to be extremely efficient. It makes me sad you don’t think you can still succeed at work and have kids.

FWIW, most of the sahms I know seem to equate flexibility with telework, part time hours, short commute, etc. I think they are just scared of working so they use this as an excuse.

Maybe some are? Probably most aren't? I don't have to psychoanalyze working mothers to figure out why they work. I don't know why you feel the need to psychoanalyze SAH parents.

I know my career would have / did suffer when I had children (is that so unusual?), but more importantly, I discovered I love being with small children, especially my own, and I'm extraordinarily happy I am in a position to spend my days with them when they are little.

People make choices for many different reasons. We are not all the same. We do not all share the same talents. We do not all share the same interests.

Not sure where you’re getting this. My anecdote was about how my SAHM friends have all mentioned their desire for a flexible job and in the same conversation mentioned telework.

I’m not sure most working women would say their career has suffered. Maybe some, but not most women I know.

FWIW, i would reconsider your current approach. If you make parenting and child rearing your job you’re going to drive your children crazy. Someone with a type A personality needs other things to keep them busy. You’ll end up a helicopter hoverer without a job. Get one and try to learn coping skills so you don’t have to limit yourself to staying home in order to avoid imperfections.

Good luck

Wow, thank you so much for the generous life advice. I absolutely will reconsider my current approach.

I hadn't realized it, but you're entirely right - I AM driving my preschooler and toddler crazy by staying at home with them full-time. Certainly I have zero interests or hobbies outside my children, and without a job, who am I? Nobody, that's who.

I'll send out my resume tonight. Thanks PP!

m

It’s not that you’re nobody without a job. It’s that based on the description you provided, it’s a recipe for disaster. Too much time on your hands and only two kids. I know because I grew up with a mom like this.

And of course, your experience is everyone else’s, too...right?

DP. All each of us has to offer is our own experience. It's just another perspective you can take or leave.

This kind of topic makes people so f-ing defensive. Impossible to have useful conversation with these kind of reactions.