S/O Elder care for parents who didn't provide child care

[Anonymous]

I have more than enough to tske care of my old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Old lady, for goodness sakes she is 59!!! Get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Old lady, for goodness sakes she is 59!!! Get a job.

If she hasn't worked in decades she won't be able to get a job--especially since all the recent college and grad school grads have snapped up the retail work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Old lady, for goodness sakes she is 59!!! Get a job.

My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at 59.

[Anonymous]

you dont breed with the intention of using said offspring as your retirement plan. its incredibly selfish of a grandparent to expect their child to provide for them at the expense of their grandchildren. OP- you are not wrong. your inlaws sound like they are happy to take take take and give nothing back in return. you owe them squat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you dont breed with the intention of using said offspring as your retirement plan. its incredibly selfish of a grandparent to expect their child to provide for them at the expense of their grandchildren. OP- you are not wrong. your inlaws sound like they are happy to take take take and give nothing back in return. you owe them squat

Yes you do. And it works, for a lot of families.

[Anonymous]

OP, you keep posting the same story over and over again: I can recall at least 2 other topics involving finances and your DH/ILs (e.g., here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/463723.page). You also tend to get angry pretty fast, which tells me you are not the easiest housemate. Given that, I highly doubt your MIL would move in with you before checking out all other available options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep posting the same story over and over again: I can recall at least 2 other topics involving finances and your DH/ILs (e.g., here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/463723.page). You also tend to get angry pretty fast, which tells me you are not the easiest housemate. Given that, I highly doubt your MIL would move in with you before checking out all other available options.

Um, you do realize that Op's story is pretty common, right? It's even common across races.

My Indian in laws basically had kids as a get out of jail free in old age and didn't do much to take care of them. I (white chick) met DH in college and we paid his loans together - mostly on my salary.

In laws want to put us on the hook for their care because of culture, DH is oldest son, yada yada.

It sucks. I swear it's always the parents who didn't do a whole lot for their kids who are super entitled. Makes sense though. If they were responsible, they wouldn't need to lay the guilt on their kids for money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you dont breed with the intention of using said offspring as your retirement plan. its incredibly selfish of a grandparent to expect their child to provide for them at the expense of their grandchildren. OP- you are not wrong. your inlaws sound like they are happy to take take take and give nothing back in return. you owe them squat

Yes you do. And it works, for a lot of families.

Ugh, why is this mindset so common? It's wrong. Do you realize this ruins marriages??

[Anonymous]

Maybe MIL just made the remark to get under your skin and didn't really mean the part about moving in with you. Don't take the bait OP because then she can go tell everyone what a horrible DIL she has.

It's still a long shot at this point that your ILs will need to move in with you. If your FIL will have a pension, that and SS for both may be enough for them to live off of. If not, they can get a reverse mortgage on their house. Or they can sell it and buy something much smaller and live off the profit. Or like a PP wrote who bought a small condo for her father; at least that worked out to everyone's benefit.

You ultimately will need to resolve this with your husband. Your annoyance is very understandable, but in the end, I think your husband will appreciate some compassion towards his parents, just like you'd appreciate the same from him towards your parents when and if they are truly old and sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you keep posting the same story over and over again: I can recall at least 2 other topics involving finances and your DH/ILs (e.g., here http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/463723.page). You also tend to get angry pretty fast, which tells me you are not the easiest housemate. Given that, I highly doubt your MIL would move in with you before checking out all other available options.

Um, you do realize that Op's story is pretty common, right? It's even common across races.

My Indian in laws basically had kids as a get out of jail free in old age and didn't do much to take care of them. I (white chick) met DH in college and we paid his loans together - mostly on my salary.

In laws want to put us on the hook for their care because of culture, DH is oldest son, yada yada.

It sucks. I swear it's always the parents who didn't do a whole lot for their kids who are super entitled. Makes sense though. If they were responsible, they wouldn't need to lay the guilt on their kids for money.

When you say the parents didn't do much to care for him...do you have kids yourself? I have a newborn and a toddler right now and just keeping them both alive, safe, and fed has been a 24/7 job the last couple of years. It was a point of pride for me to pay for college myself, and I no longer have my parents, but if I did I would be honored to do something for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you dont breed with the intention of using said offspring as your retirement plan. its incredibly selfish of a grandparent to expect their child to provide for them at the expense of their grandchildren. OP- you are not wrong. your inlaws sound like they are happy to take take take and give nothing back in return. you owe them squat

Yes you do. And it works, for a lot of families.

Not where I'm from.i look at my children and can not imagine becoming that kind of burden on them. I had children so I could watch them grow and flourish, not so they can support me in my old age, especially if I refused to help with childcare while my child and their spouse needed to go out and make the money that I would live off. I don't know how any parent could think it's ok to do this. And the argument "I spent so much money raising them, they owe me" is rubbish- children don't ask to me brought into the world, and they shouldn't be held accountable for decisions their parents made. Also, by supporting the grandparents, it's basically taking away from the future of their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you say the parents didn't do much to care for him...do you have kids yourself? I have a newborn and a toddler right now and just keeping them both alive, safe, and fed has been a 24/7 job the last couple of years.

Puh-leeze. Did you also grow your own vegetables, grind flour, milk cows? Did you guard your home with a weapon to keep your family safe from hostile invaders?
Yes, it is challenging to have a baby and a toddler in the house, but millions of women have dealt with this, so do not exaggerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it should be tit for tat, as you seem to expect, OP. If your MIL was a loving, supportive mother to your DH, I think you two absolutely owe her your loyalty and support - it's a matter of respect. An old lady who wants to spend her days as she sees fit has more than earned her right to do so. You shouldn't have to raise TWO generations of children to "earn your keep" as matriarch. If she was neglectful or abusive in raising your DH, I can see why you'd be hesitant - but are you seriously saying that because she won't watch your kid she doesn't deserve to be taken care of later in life?

Old lady, for goodness sakes she is 59!!! Get a job.

+1

She is 59 years old. She is not an old lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you dont breed with the intention of using said offspring as your retirement plan. its incredibly selfish of a grandparent to expect their child to provide for them at the expense of their grandchildren. OP- you are not wrong. your inlaws sound like they are happy to take take take and give nothing back in return. you owe them squat

Yes you do. And it works, for a lot of families.

Sure, you can do that. It means that you lay claim to your child's self-determination. You take ownership of your child's free will for your own use and convenience. In effect, you lay claim to his life for yourself.

If you can sleep at night knowing you have stripped your child of these things, then by all means, make your child your retirement plan. I can't imagine doing that, myself.