Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your niece continues down the path of keeping her baby, you and your DH need to talk seriously about what role you would ever be willing to play because I am fearful that she'll look to you to be surrogate parents when the time comes. It will be difficult to say no, but if you're going to say no, determine that now. What a difficult situation.

You say she is lonesome for friends. Do you think having her live at a home for teen mothers might actually be better for her? She'd have other girls with her who are going through the same thing, there would be supports (such as counseling--therapy, career counseling, support group discussions, etc.). Her giving her a lovely home and if that is what feels right for you family, then more power to you, but I wonder if a different environment might also be useful. It's lovely of you to make your porch into a room, but I also think that signals to your niece that she will likely be able to stay long-term. Is that what you intend? Do you worry about the effect this will all have on your marriage and children?

We talked with her about different living options. It would actually be much easier if she lived with my parents, for space reasons, but my mother and father are unwilling. She emphatically and repeatedly did not want to go to a group home for young mothers. DH and I had several long talks privately and agreed we will help her long-term and in what ways. I am not worried about this negatively affecting our marriage. We are a bit worried about our children, but Niece has been given very clear rules she has to follow to stay here. She does not know this but she will get ONE screwup.

OP, have you and your DH clearly let her know what the consequences are if she does screw up? Do you have an actual concrete plan and will you follow through?

As much as I'd like to be in the "keep helping her" camp, I come from a family littered with relatives who were irresponsible and became teen mothers (thankfully my parents and my immediate family were not among them). They were toxic and ruined their own lives and the lives of those around them (their children, my grandmother, one aunt -- all financially ruined and/or hobbled in some way permanently by their actions).

As much as I hope your niece can turn it around, keeping the baby at 15 is very unlikely to create any reality for her other than someone who turns into something like my relatives -- dependent on others for the (very) long-term... if not a downright mooch. I'm not saying this WILL happen, but I really want you to have an exit strategy if it does. I'm a liberal and think kindness and charity are among the greatest acts we can perform, but only if we don't risk our family members' health and well-being. Your kids need you to protect them more than your niece does, so please do stick to that single screw-up limit!

[Anonymous]

I don't think you are doing her a favor by making it easy for her to live with you and let her think she can have her baby and stay with you for years. She is 15. So she screws up twice and you are really are going to kick her out onto the streets once she has a baby. You never will be willing to do it, so you and your family will suffer. Find a home for teen mothers and tell her she needs to go. The best thing for the baby would be adoption. You are messing up the baby's future.

[Anonymous]

+1---OP, unless you are willing to be prepared to raise her child essentially as your own-/ including now splitting everything three ways between your children and her baby-to-be-- then you need to be taking a harder line about her options. Otherwise she's not going to be moving out of that porch anytime soon. And what then? Her child sees their great aunt buying things / doing things for her kids while he/she goes without because teen mom has no money. You don't seem like you would have the heart to hurt a child, but you would resent the situation your niece will put you in by keeping he'd baby and expecting to live with you.

[Anonymous]

This is good!!! When does the movie come out?

[Anonymous]

You're doing the right thing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ditto to 20:44---a child can grow up to respect a birthmom who realized that she was unable to parent as a teen, and sought to look out for her child's interest. The sense of loss generated when a teen mom attempts to parent, but then basically discards the child to the care of relatives (or foster care) is far more damaging to a child. I know, because my DD's birthmom gave birth to her at 15, attempted to "play house" with the dad, and then my daughter was taken into foster care at age 5. Good luck to your niece---I hope she focuses on the best interests of her child---first and foremost.

one case is not enough to make a sweeping generalisation. Your crystal ball is broken
nobody can force the adoption. It has to be voluntary. Nobody dies of starvation. People get by.
An adoptee does not grow to respect a bithmom.

I would caution against forcing anything. She migjt end up suicidal. I doubt her relationship with her parents will ever be normal again. She might cut off all contact with them later on in her life.
Could she rather stay in her home town and just rent a room?
Cutting her off from all that she has ever known at this time of her life is drastic. Sounds like nobody cares about her. How is she coping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:


OP, have you and your DH clearly let her know what the consequences are if she does screw up? Do you have an actual concrete plan and will you follow through?

As much as I'd like to be in the "keep helping her" camp, I come from a family littered with relatives who were irresponsible and became teen mothers (thankfully my parents and my immediate family were not among them). They were toxic and ruined their own lives and the lives of those around them (their children, my grandmother, one aunt -- all financially ruined and/or hobbled in some way permanently by their actions).

As much as I hope your niece can turn it around, keeping the baby at 15 is very unlikely to create any reality for her other than someone who turns into something like my relatives -- dependent on others for the (very) long-term... if not a downright mooch. I'm not saying this WILL happen, but I really want you to have an exit strategy if it does. I'm a liberal and think kindness and charity are among the greatest acts we can perform, but only if we don't risk our family members' health and well-being. Your kids need you to protect them more than your niece does,
so please do stick to that single screw-up limit!

well, the brother who threw the kid outdoors is a prime example of a downright mooch. He has Jesus so no need to worry about a daughter.
One possibility is that they will change their mind and accept her and welcome the grandchild

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
well, the brother who threw the kid outdoors is a prime example of a downright mooch. He has Jesus so no need to worry about a daughter.
One possibility is that they will change their mind and accept her and welcome the grandchild

That would be the worst possible outcome!
Look what he did to his daughter. Turned out great, right?
No, being raised jointly by her mother and OP's family, or being adopted, are both solid and far better options. OP may have difficult years ahead of her, but I am sure her niece and child are in good hands. Bless you, OP!

[Anonymous]

OP, you mentioned your niece was adamant about NOT moving into a group home.

My aunt volunteers in an org that does a lot of counseling and educating girls in these situations. There are groups of girls who meet weekly who aren't living in a group home - I don't know what is in this area, but at the very least, she could connect with some others like herself. I think it would be worthwhile to seek out something.

[Anonymous]

Has OP been back?

[Anonymous]

OP, there are plenty of folks who will chime in that statistically all is a permanent disaster for all involved, but it doesn't have to be that way. A dear friend of mine had her daughter at 17, and is now a well-employed mechanical engineer with a rich life, and has a great relationship with her child. I will also point you to this piece written by the late Allison Crews. It's worth a read by you and your neice.
http://www.alternet.org/story/9731/when_i_was_garbage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are plenty of folks who will chime in that statistically all is a permanent disaster for all involved, but it doesn't have to be that way. A dear friend of mine had her daughter at 17, and is now a well-employed mechanical engineer with a rich life, and has a great relationship with her child. I will also point you to this piece written by the late Allison Crews. It's worth a read by you and your neice.
http://www.alternet.org/story/9731/when_i_was_garbage

Yes, but probably your dear friend was not 15 (2 years is a long time developmentally at that age!) and living on the porch of a relative's house instead of finishing one of her first years of high school. So, so, so much would have to change for this girl (starting with her attitude) for this to work out positively. She doesn't have a clue about mothering at a young age (may not have even ever babysat), clearly needs counseling to work through her destructive behaviors, needs legal help to work through logistics about self-sufficiency, and clearly does not have the support of anyone besides this couple (who may pull that if she makes more than one mistake )

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are plenty of folks who will chime in that statistically all is a permanent disaster for all involved, but it doesn't have to be that way. A dear friend of mine had her daughter at 17, and is now a well-employed mechanical engineer with a rich life, and has a great relationship with her child. I will also point you to this piece written by the late Allison Crews. It's worth a read by you and your neice.
http://www.alternet.org/story/9731/when_i_was_garbage

Yes, but probably your dear friend was not 15 (2 years is a long time developmentally at that age!) and living on the porch of a relative's house instead of finishing one of her first years of high school. So, so, so much would have to change for this girl (starting with her attitude) for this to work out positively. She doesn't have a clue about mothering at a young age (may not have even ever babysat), clearly needs counseling to work through her destructive behaviors, needs legal help to work through logistics about self-sufficiency, and clearly does not have the support of anyone besides this couple (who may pull that if she makes more than one mistake )

Clearly you didn't read the linked article. The author got pregnant at 15. She then graduated from high school a semester early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
well, the brother who threw the kid outdoors is a prime example of a downright mooch. He has Jesus so no need to worry about a daughter.
One possibility is that they will change their mind and accept her and welcome the grandchild

That would be the worst possible outcome!
Look what he did to his daughter. Turned out great, right?
No, being raised jointly by her mother and OP's family, or being adopted, are both solid and far better options. OP may have difficult years ahead of her, but I am sure her niece and child are in good hands. Bless you, OP!

Are you saying it would be terrible if she reconciled with her parents and they accepted the situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
well, the brother who threw the kid outdoors is a prime example of a downright mooch. He has Jesus so no need to worry about a daughter.
One possibility is that they will change their mind and accept her and welcome the grandchild

That would be the worst possible outcome!
Look what he did to his daughter. Turned out great, right?
No, being raised jointly by her mother and OP's family, or being adopted, are both solid and far better options. OP may have difficult years ahead of her, but I am sure her niece and child are in good hands. Bless you, OP!

Are you saying it would be terrible if she reconciled with her parents and they accepted the situation?

Correct.
There is 0 chance they will "accept" the situation, that is, provide a guilt-free, loving, non-extremist environment for the mother and baby.
I know the type, believe me.
Do you want them to raise the baby like they did their daughter, in such a controlling environment that he or she will want to break free?

Just because they are her biological parents, it does not mean they are the best people to help her. Of course, that shifts the burden to others like OP. Thank goodness she is willing to take up the slack. Even if the baby is adopted, the young mother needs a supportive environment which she will never find at her parents.