Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

It's a little bit of the stereotype. Bro went off to college, found jesus, married a super religious woman and is raising two children with zero freedom. Of course the older one has been super wild. Of course she's now pregnant at 15, of course the boyfriend has disappeared, and apparently my SIL and brother have kicked her out.

I called DH at work and he said absolutely she can come stay here for a few days or a week while they all calm down. Niece wants to keep the baby and has asked if she can live with us. I told her we are not prepared to give an answer to that over the phone when she's just dropped such a huge bomb on me. She has been sitting in a coffee shop with her backpack all day. DH is organizing flying her here tonight so she has somewhere safe to sleep.

Obviously my hope is that everyone will calm down in a day or two and she will go home. But if they don't allow her, what do we do? Is there somewhere safe we can send her?

[Anonymous]

Would you consider an open adoption?

[Anonymous]

Your niece's parents are wretched people. No way would Jesus approve.

Why can't she live with you? Do you live in a one bedroom with a kid already? Does she do drugs and do you have an impressionable preteen or teenager?

If not, I think you should let her live with you.

[Anonymous]

Put baby up for adoption!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your niece's parents are wretched people. No way would Jesus approve.

Why can't she live with you? Do you live in a one bedroom with a kid already? Does she do drugs and do you have an impressionable preteen or teenager?

If not, I think you should let her live with you.

Well, just off the very top of my head, because she's been wild for the last three or four years and I don't know what kind of influence she's going to be on our impressionable young kids, and equally because DH and I planned our family size. We did not plan to have two more people join our family when we planned how many children we'd have, when we planned that I would stay home, etc.

[Anonymous]

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Before anyone makes any long term decisions, give yourselves a chance to catch your breath(s). She needs a safe place to stay for a while, and you need to take her in and make sure she is ok.

I would also suggest some therapy for both her, and you if you are housing her for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a little bit of the stereotype. Bro went off to college, found jesus, married a super religious woman and is raising two children with zero freedom. Of course the older one has been super wild. Of course she's now pregnant at 15, of course the boyfriend has disappeared, and apparently my SIL and brother have kicked her out.

I called DH at work and he said absolutely she can come stay here for a few days or a week while they all calm down. Niece wants to keep the baby and has asked if she can live with us. I told her we are not prepared to give an answer to that over the phone when she's just dropped such a huge bomb on me. She has been sitting in a coffee shop with her backpack all day. DH is organizing flying her here tonight so she has somewhere safe to sleep.

Obviously my hope is that everyone will calm down in a day or two and she will go home. But if they don't allow her, what do we do? Is there somewhere safe we can send her?

There's nothing stereotypical or predictable about this story. It's just what happens in families. It's great you're far enough removed from the situation to know the girl needs help and close enough to be able to assist. But I wouldn't judge your brother's religious convictions any more than their daughter's morality right now.

[Anonymous]

Um, you can't transport your 15 year old niece across state lines w/o her parents' permission. That's called kidnapping. Doesn't matter her parents "kicked her out."

[Anonymous]

The parents of the girl would have to accuse the sister of kidnapping. I would personally ask first.

If she stays with you, you need to put conditions on it. No wilding and she has to go to therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your niece's parents are wretched people. No way would Jesus approve.

Why can't she live with you? Do you live in a one bedroom with a kid already? Does she do drugs and do you have an impressionable preteen or teenager?

If not, I think you should let her live with you.

Well, just off the very top of my head, because she's been wild for the last three or four years and I don't know what kind of influence she's going to be on our impressionable young kids, and equally because DH and I planned our family size. We did not plan to have two more people join our family when we planned how many children we'd have, when we planned that I would stay home, etc.

You are right to be worried. Having a wild, 15 year old niece that wants to keep her baby with no parental or baby father support, who doesn't just want to come and stay with you for a few days while she thinks things through, but actually wants to come and "live" with you and raise her baby is a very impulsive move on your niece.

Some people take relatives in and it becomes disastrous because of family drama issues, etc.

This could be a really difficult situation to handle if your niece cannot return to her parents. Just because she is family, doesn't mean that you are in the financial or emotional position to take her in on a long term basis.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I understand your hesitance to swoop in and "fix" this problem.

I agree about providing her a safe temporary place to stay. That much is clear.

For next steps, I think counseling and following some ground rules are in order.

I would not be in favor of signing up to keep the baby if it were me.

-Parent of a teenager

[Anonymous]

I would give her a safe place to stay and of course notify her parents. Don't be judgmental. Just tell brother she is safely with you until they can all get over the shock and be able to come up with a plan. Of course basic rules are a necessary condition for her to stay with you.

Right now she is talking out of emotion and not rationally. Once you can get her calmed down and talk about issues such as paternity testing, child support, etc. she may have other ideas about the wisdom of keeping this baby. You don't really describe "wild" but she also needs to get some basic prenatal care where someone objective can talk to her in case there are drug/alcohol issues that need to be addressed.

There is also the issue of school. She is technically truant because she's underage so take that into account when you discuss how long she stays.

[Anonymous]

Pay for abortion.

[Anonymous]

What about St. Ann's?

http://www.stanns.org/programs/teen-mother

It would allow her to stay close to you, for a little moral support, but not be your responsibility day to day?

[Anonymous]

If this just happened there may have been a fight but she might actually not be kicked out. If she has been wild for years, then maybe there were heated words. I wouldn't fly her out before talking to her parents to make sure you get the other side of the story. An angry rebellious 15 yr old may not be telling you the whole truth.

Her parents might not have kicked her out. They might have imposed some expectations for her to continue to live with them (i.e. no drugs or no violence) and she refused to live by their rules and left. There could be all kinds of circumstancial things going on.

I think it is jumping the gun to buy her a ticket and fly her to your place as the first thing. If your 5 yr old got in a huge fight with you and took off to a coffee shop - and called your brother, would you want his first course of action to be to buy your kid a ticket and fly her out to him?