Reply to Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If your niece continues down the path of keeping her baby, you and your DH need to talk seriously about what role you would ever be willing to play because I am fearful that she'll look to you to be surrogate parents when the time comes. It will be difficult to say no, but if you're going to say no, determine that now. What a difficult situation.

You say she is lonesome for friends. Do you think having her live at a home for teen mothers might actually be better for her? She'd have other girls with her who are going through the same thing, there would be supports (such as counseling--therapy, career counseling, support group discussions, etc.). Her giving her a lovely home and if that is what feels right for you family, then more power to you, but I wonder if a different environment might also be useful. It's lovely of you to make your porch into a room, but I also think that signals to your niece that she will likely be able to stay long-term. Is that what you intend? Do you worry about the effect this will all have on your marriage and children? [/quote]

We talked with her about different living options. It would actually be much easier if she lived with my parents, for space reasons, but my mother and father are unwilling. She emphatically and repeatedly did not want to go to a group home for young mothers. DH and I had several long talks privately and agreed we will help her long-term and in what ways. I am not worried about this negatively affecting our marriage. We are a bit worried about our children, but Niece has been given very clear rules she has to follow to stay here. She does not know this but she will get ONE screwup. [/quote]

OP, have you and your DH clearly let her know what the consequences are if she does screw up? Do you have an actual concrete plan and will you follow through?

As much as I'd like to be in the "keep helping her" camp, I come from a family littered with relatives who were irresponsible and became teen mothers (thankfully my parents and my immediate family were not among them). They were toxic and ruined their own lives and the lives of those around them (their children, my grandmother, one aunt -- all financially ruined and/or hobbled in some way permanently by their actions).

As much as I hope your niece can turn it around, keeping the baby at 15 is very unlikely to create any reality for her other than someone who turns into something like my relatives -- dependent on others for the (very) long-term... if not a downright mooch. I'm not saying this WILL happen, but I really want you to have an exit strategy if it does. I'm a liberal and think kindness and charity are among the greatest acts we can perform, but only if we don't risk our family members' health and well-being. Your kids need you to protect them more than your niece does, so please do stick to that single screw-up limit![/quote]

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