Niece called me hysterical. Teen pregnancy, brother kicked her out

[Anonymous]

"Doing for family" does not mean upending your own life, and those of your children, to accommodate a wild and irresponsible 15 year old's desire to keep her own baby doll to love (until she gets bored and leaves all the responsibility to OP). Kudos to the aunt who elected to raise her nephew but OP should in no way feel like she is a bad family member if that is not a burden that she elects to take on. "Doing for family" does not equal being a doormat.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a lot of room between doing nothing and being a doormat. It seems for now the OP is on her way to finding the right balance for her and her family which I hope works out for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are plenty of folks who will chime in that statistically all is a permanent disaster for all involved, but it doesn't have to be that way. A dear friend of mine had her daughter at 17, and is now a well-employed mechanical engineer with a rich life, and has a great relationship with her child. I will also point you to this piece written by the late Allison Crews. It's worth a read by you and your neice.
http://www.alternet.org/story/9731/when_i_was_garbage

Yes, but probably your dear friend was not 15 (2 years is a long time developmentally at that age!) and living on the porch of a relative's house instead of finishing one of her first years of high school. So, so, so much would have to change for this girl (starting with her attitude) for this to work out positively. She doesn't have a clue about mothering at a young age (may not have even ever babysat), clearly needs counseling to work through her destructive behaviors, needs legal help to work through logistics about self-sufficiency, and clearly does not have the support of anyone besides this couple (who may pull that if she makes more than one mistake )

Clearly you didn't read the linked article. The author got pregnant at 15. She then graduated from high school a semester early.

This author died at age 22. Seizure due to drugs.

Reaction to medication. And her beautifully written piece is no less important or powerful.

[Anonymous]

OP - So how are things moving along for all of you in terms of having the girl settled in? Is she making connections to appropriate health care services, including mental health services, so that she can be as stable as possible herself by the time she has the baby? What is her routine for the summer months ahead? Is she contributing in the house as a typical teenager would be expected to do? Most importantly are you and your husband communicating clearly on what the expectations are of what you two can do to help this family member financially, emotionally, with child care etc.

DH should not just let his brother and sister-in-law off of the parenting hook too easily. They at least have a financial obligation to their daughter. What horrendous,self-righteous human beings. The sad part is that they are damaging not only the daughter thrown out, but also the daughter who is still in their home.

Let folks know how things are going?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP - So how are things moving along for all of you in terms of having the girl settled in? Is she making connections to appropriate health care services, including mental health services, so that she can be as stable as possible herself by the time she has the baby? What is her routine for the summer months ahead? Is she contributing in the house as a typical teenager would be expected to do? Most importantly are you and your husband communicating clearly on what the expectations are of what you two can do to help this family member financially, emotionally, with child care etc.

DH should not just let his brother and sister-in-law off of the parenting hook too easily. They at least have a financial obligation to their daughter. What horrendous,self-righteous human beings. The sad part is that they are damaging not only the daughter thrown out, but also the daughter who is still in their home.

Let folks know how things are going?

Niece is coming along alright. She was given a midwife who she liked but was worried that meant she wouldn't be able to get an epidural if she wants one. I don't think she really believes the midwife will let her get one even though she'll be giving birth in a hospital and I and the midwife have assured her she will. The midwife was able to introduce her to two girls - one 19 and another in college who are pregnant so she sort of has some peers now. We were making progress through our attorney on "child support" until they decided that if Niece goes through with her decision to keep the baby they will stop paying at that point. DH decided we need to give Niece a proper bedroom so it's his office that will move. She's helping with the construction (more on the design side), and as she gets more comfortable here is taking a more assertive role in doing chores and cooking. I'm not sure how strict you're supposed to be with teenagers so we may be letting her get away with too much or may be coming down too hard - no clue. So we're chugging along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - So how are things moving along for all of you in terms of having the girl settled in? Is she making connections to appropriate health care services, including mental health services, so that she can be as stable as possible herself by the time she has the baby? What is her routine for the summer months ahead? Is she contributing in the house as a typical teenager would be expected to do? Most importantly are you and your husband communicating clearly on what the expectations are of what you two can do to help this family member financially, emotionally, with child care etc.

DH should not just let his brother and sister-in-law off of the parenting hook too easily. They at least have a financial obligation to their daughter. What horrendous,self-righteous human beings. The sad part is that they are damaging not only the daughter thrown out, but also the daughter who is still in their home.

Let folks know how things are going?

Niece is coming along alright. She was given a midwife who she liked but was worried that meant she wouldn't be able to get an epidural if she wants one. I don't think she really believes the midwife will let her get one even though she'll be giving birth in a hospital and I and the midwife have assured her she will. The midwife was able to introduce her to two girls - one 19 and another in college who are pregnant so she sort of has some peers now. We were making progress through our attorney on "child support" until they decided that if Niece goes through with her decision to keep the baby they will stop paying at that point. DH decided we need to give Niece a proper bedroom so it's his office that will move. She's helping with the construction (more on the design side), and as she gets more comfortable here is taking a more assertive role in doing chores and cooking. I'm not sure how strict you're supposed to be with teenagers so we may be letting her get away with too much or may be coming down too hard - no clue. So we're chugging along.

So happy to hear that you are doing well. I posted the comment about "doing for family". You and your husband are wonderful people. It is so kind of him to give up his office. I am sure it was not easy for him. We grow used to our comforts so quickly. It is great that you guys are willing and able to give your niece a healthy and happy home.

Wishing you all the best.

[Anonymous]

OP- I agree it sounds like you two are two really wonderful human beings. Just be careful not to think that there will not be issues and supports in your community that your niece will need especially when the baby comes. It will be perhaps hardest "on you" -- not to step into the "mothering" role when baby is up at night etc., but it will be critical that Neice learns to bond with her child and be responsible for the baby from the beginning. It does not mean that you can't enable her to get some rest as needed, but all must remember she is the Mom to help her become the Mom. I do hope the plan will be put in place for her to return to school in the fall because education is the one thing that will really give her and the child a future, along with BC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP - So how are things moving along for all of you in terms of having the girl settled in? Is she making connections to appropriate health care services, including mental health services, so that she can be as stable as possible herself by the time she has the baby? What is her routine for the summer months ahead? Is she contributing in the house as a typical teenager would be expected to do? Most importantly are you and your husband communicating clearly on what the expectations are of what you two can do to help this family member financially, emotionally, with child care etc.

DH should not just let his brother and sister-in-law off of the parenting hook too easily. They at least have a financial obligation to their daughter. What horrendous,self-righteous human beings. The sad part is that they are damaging not only the daughter thrown out, but also the daughter who is still in their home.

Let folks know how things are going?

Niece is coming along alright. She was given a midwife who she liked but was worried that meant she wouldn't be able to get an epidural if she wants one. I don't think she really believes the midwife will let her get one even though she'll be giving birth in a hospital and I and the midwife have assured her she will. The midwife was able to introduce her to two girls - one 19 and another in college who are pregnant so she sort of has some peers now. We were making progress through our attorney on "child support" until they decided that if Niece goes through with her decision to keep the baby they will stop paying at that point. DH decided we need to give Niece a proper bedroom so it's his office that will move. She's helping with the construction (more on the design side), and as she gets more comfortable here is taking a more assertive role in doing chores and cooking. I'm not sure how strict you're supposed to be with teenagers so we may be letting her get away with too much or may be coming down too hard - no clue. So we're chugging along.

So happy to hear that you are doing well. I posted the comment about "doing for family". You and your husband are wonderful people. It is so kind of him to give up his office. I am sure it was not easy for him. We grow used to our comforts so quickly. It is great that you guys are willing and able to give your niece a healthy and happy home.

Wishing you all the best.

Me too. Glad to hear this, and thank you for the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Niece is coming along alright. She was given a midwife who she liked but was worried that meant she wouldn't be able to get an epidural if she wants one. I don't think she really believes the midwife will let her get one even though she'll be giving birth in a hospital and I and the midwife have assured her she will. The midwife was able to introduce her to two girls - one 19 and another in college who are pregnant so she sort of has some peers now. We were making progress through our attorney on "child support" until they decided that if Niece goes through with her decision to keep the baby they will stop paying at that point. DH decided we need to give Niece a proper bedroom so it's his office that will move. She's helping with the construction (more on the design side), and as she gets more comfortable here is taking a more assertive role in doing chores and cooking. I'm not sure how strict you're supposed to be with teenagers so we may be letting her get away with too much or may be coming down too hard - no clue. So we're chugging along.

Is this legal?
Can you not sue the parents for her every expense?
They are legally on the hook until their child is financially independent.

[Anonymous]

I thought once a minor becomes a parent, they are legally emancipated, and the parents are no longer obligated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought once a minor becomes a parent, they are legally emancipated, and the parents are no longer obligated?

Underaged is still underaged. Parents pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought once a minor becomes a parent, they are legally emancipated, and the parents are no longer obligated?

not true.

[Anonymous]

How's it going OP??

[Anonymous]

Perhaps as a condition of staying you could require her to go to individual therapy and/or group therapy for pregnant teens.

[Anonymous]

Any update, op?