BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

If he loves you, he'd support you and make it work. We did long distance cross country for two years for military and it sucked big time but we made it work. It shouldn't be choose, he should support you. Take the job.

[Anonymous]

If this is so important to you (to get the traveling nurse skillset/pay), why is it such a surprise to you both? Why weren’t you actively pursuing it before (vs your boss signing you up unannounced?) Why weren’t you having discussions with bf over the last 18 months about how this was a goal and in the works?

Because this reads that you have $20k dangled in front of you and now you have fomo even though before you were perfectly happy to get married without it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is so important to you (to get the traveling nurse skillset/pay), why is it such a surprise to you both? Why weren’t you actively pursuing it before (vs your boss signing you up unannounced?) Why weren’t you having discussions with bf over the last 18 months about how this was a goal and in the works?

Because this reads that you have $20k dangled in front of you and now you have fomo even though before you were perfectly happy to get married without it.

I planned to stay in my current job and work myself up to better pay with experience. I wouldn’t have signed up on my own to leave my boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

A proposal after 1.5 years of dating is not unrealistic especially when the parties are in their 30s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is so important to you (to get the traveling nurse skillset/pay), why is it such a surprise to you both? Why weren’t you actively pursuing it before (vs your boss signing you up unannounced?) Why weren’t you having discussions with bf over the last 18 months about how this was a goal and in the works?

Because this reads that you have $20k dangled in front of you and now you have fomo even though before you were perfectly happy to get married without it.

I planned to stay in my current job and work myself up to better pay with experience. I wouldn’t have signed up on my own to leave my boyfriend.

Sounds like you have a plan that lets you keep a good job and a good relationship. Don’t let fomo destroy that. You were happy before this job showed up. You had a plan to have a successful career and relationship. Don’t rock the boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you do both?

This. Get married, do long distance relationship for 2 years. My kids did that. If you love the person, you will find a way to belong to each other as well as give each other the means to grow (education, career etc).

I find it weird that the BF has said to choose.

We can’t get married before I leave. We haven’t even gotten engaged. I want a real engagement and wedding. Very big wedding with lots of family and friends. That will take a lot of time to plan.

You both sound pretty inflexible.

Yeah. Some compromise is needed.

But I did plan a big wedding cross-country, so it's not impossible to have everything OP wants. They are both sounding increasingly immature about their relationship though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

Would you have turned down your dream job for a bf of 1.5 yrs? Its not a marriage. He hasn't even put a ring on it. Your situation seems totally different.

I did, actually! We had been dating for 16 months. I got an offer for a job back in LA, near family. Great job, payed decently more than here, an hour from where I grew up vs a 6 hour flight with plane changes. His job prospects were only here (federal work). I told him the only thing keeping me here was him, so I needed to know he viewed the relationship as serious and heading towards marriage, else I had nothing to stay for and was going to LA. He proposed the following week. We’ve been married for 17 years, all in the dc area. I regret nothing. My career has been just fine here, I’ve worked the entire time we’ve been married and had plenty of great local opportunities.

So no. You didn't. You stayed for a fiance, but you would have left a bf. You are giving the opposite advice to OP than what you did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

We live in DC. The job is in Colorado and potentially Alaska if I’m up for it. I’m a nurse and travel jobs have more pay and a way to boost your skills and experience in a short time. I will be able to get a better job and pay when I get home. I make $80k now but will be making $20-30k more with the travel job.

We don’t live together but I’m always at his place and see him pretty much everyday.

I will be working weekends too and having him come for a day won’t really work out well. We likely we see each other very minimally for the 2 years apart.

He is the breadwinner and will be the breadwinner. This boost in my career will help pay off my loans but I will be working pt probably once kids come. He makes more than 3x what I make and that won’t change. Even at my peak salary, he will be making 3x my income.

I don’t think my boyfriend is a jerk. We were making plans for engagement and wedding. We were making plans to buy a bigger place and move on together. This opportunity came out of no where and my boss said I would be stupid to turn it down.

I very much love my boyfriend and want to marry him. I’m leaving towards staying because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t worry that I will be single forever, but I do worry I’m losing the love of my life for only $20-30k more in pay.

The love of your life will support your career ambitions. It's not just about the $20-30K, AFAICT, it's also about the experience and the career growth for you.

TBH, he may be in finance and earn a lot of money, but he also sounds kind of dumb if he doesn't understand how lucky he is to be marrying a nurse. You have a career that, if kept current, will always be in demand and will allow schedule flexibility when you have kids. And you are obviously talented and likely to eventually be on a leadership/management trajectory. The investment in your career right now will pay dividends for your lifetime, especially if he eventually ever burns out from finance.

I am now the breadwinner, but for 15 years DH earned 2-3x what I did. Then he burnt out and needed to step back...and luckily he supported my career so I was able to get a huge promotion and raise. I *never* imagined this would be the case. If you are in a rush, you can get married, and even pregnant, while living apart. People do it.

It sounds like he supported her through school or in her current job. She will make bank with time. He offered to pay off her loans for her. His clearly loves her and is afraid of losing her. She could easily find a new guy like a doctor or something in a new place and leave him.

Being afraid someone will leave you is not a reason to torpedo their career. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

It’s not a promotion. Op is going to leave for two years without being able to see her bf much, for a job that pays like $20k more. She can easily stay here and work her way up and be making that pay in a couple of years without needing to upend her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

Ugh. It’s so pathetic to see a woman act as if their partners opinion and timeline isn’t worthy. Op can go but her bf will move on and she will be the sad 30 something trying to find a husband before her biological clock goes out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

It’s not a promotion. Op is going to leave for two years without being able to see her bf much, for a job that pays like $20k more. She can easily stay here and work her way up and be making that pay in a couple of years without needing to upend her life.

It's a 25% raise. That's not something to scoff at.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

Ugh. It’s so pathetic to see a woman act as if their partners opinion and timeline isn’t worthy. Op can go but her bf will move on and she will be the sad 30 something trying to find a husband before her biological clock goes out.

We have no idea what would happen to either of them if they move. Not sure why you are assuming the woman will be lonely forever with no prospect of kids but the guy will be totally fine. Sounds like you've concocted quite the fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

Ugh. It’s so pathetic to see a woman act as if their partners opinion and timeline isn’t worthy. Op can go but her bf will move on and she will be the sad 30 something trying to find a husband before her biological clock goes out.

If your gf told you not to take a promotion you'd seriously do it? I highly doubt it. You'd tell her to kick rocks. Your misogyny just won't let you support women the same way.

He's not a fiance. He's not a husband. He's a bf. I think I'd struggle to call someone a "partner" who acts like a child and gives ultimatums like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. It's so pathetic to see a woman give up her promotion because some insecure man child tells her to. I thought society had advanced further than that.

Ugh. It’s so pathetic to see a woman act as if their partners opinion and timeline isn’t worthy. Op can go but her bf will move on and she will be the sad 30 something trying to find a husband before her biological clock goes out.

If your gf told you not to take a promotion you'd seriously do it? I highly doubt it. You'd tell her to kick rocks. Your misogyny just won't let you support women the same way.

He's not a fiance. He's not a husband. He's a bf. I think I'd struggle to call someone a "partner" who acts like a child and gives ultimatums like this.

I’m a woman. If my bf and I had talked about future and were close to moving in together and engagement, I would be blindsided and upset he would consider leaving me for two years for $20k more. I would seriously worry he isn’t that serious about me and end the relationship. I wouldn’t leave in that situation. Money can always be earned but your person can’t be replaced easily and time doesn’t wait. There are many 30+ women still waiting on that fairytale life. A 33yo man making at least $300k that wants marriage and kids will have a lot of options. Op probably won’t be as lucky.