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Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)
Reply to "BF said choose marriage or a career "
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated. They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after. BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else. OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF. But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age. Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out. Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then. If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing. It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up. If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer. If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over. I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up. I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.[/quote] +1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary. I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years. Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other. But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.[/quote] We live in DC. The job is in Colorado and potentially Alaska if I’m up for it. I’m a nurse and travel jobs have more pay and a way to boost your skills and experience in a short time. I will be able to get a better job and pay when I get home. I make $80k now but will be making $20-30k more with the travel job. We don’t live together but I’m always at his place and see him pretty much everyday. I will be working weekends too and having him come for a day won’t really work out well. We likely we see each other very minimally for the 2 years apart. He is the breadwinner and will be the breadwinner. This boost in my career will help pay off my loans but I will be working pt probably once kids come. He makes more than 3x what I make and that won’t change. Even at my peak salary, he will be making 3x my income. I don’t think my boyfriend is a jerk. We were making plans for engagement and wedding. We were making plans to buy a bigger place and move on together. This opportunity came out of no where and my boss said I would be stupid to turn it down. I very much love my boyfriend and want to marry him. [b]I’m leaving towards staying because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t worry that I will be single forever, but I do worry I’m losing the love of my life for only $20-30k more in pay.[/b] [/quote] The love of your life will support your career ambitions. It's not just about the $20-30K, AFAICT, it's also about the experience and the career growth for you. TBH, he may be in finance and earn a lot of money, but he also sounds kind of dumb if he doesn't understand how lucky he is to be marrying a nurse. You have a career that, if kept current, will always be in demand and will allow schedule flexibility when you have kids. And you are obviously talented and likely to eventually be on a leadership/management trajectory. The investment in your career right now will pay dividends for your lifetime, especially if he eventually ever burns out from finance. I am now the breadwinner, but for 15 years DH earned 2-3x what I did. Then he burnt out and needed to step back...and luckily he supported my career so I was able to get a huge promotion and raise. I *never* imagined this would be the case. If you are in a rush, you can get married, and even pregnant, while living apart. People do it.[/quote] It sounds like he supported her through school or in her current job. She will make bank with time. He offered to pay off her loans for her. His clearly loves her and [b]is afraid of losing her. She could easily find a new guy like a doctor or something in a new place and leave him[/b]. [/quote] Being afraid someone will leave you is not a reason to torpedo their career. Wtf. [/quote]
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