BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the real issue has much less to do with whether OP should accept or decline the job and is much more about how they navigate difficult decisions as a couple.

OP, I recommend getting a few sessions with a marriage/ relationship counselor who can help you flesh out this ‘how to work together when facing tough decisions’ situation.

He may be 100% ready to marry you and he may be the right person for you, but if you are just scared to be single vs feeling he really is the right person for you long-term and he is demonstrating no willingness to engage in a real conversation, then these are big red flags.

The best case scenario is that you two *do* want to be together and that you have an honest and supportive conversation about options. And if you decide not to take the job, it’s because it’s what is best for how *you* feel about the relationship and not because you were given an ultimatum.

Yes! If she decides not to take this based on his childish attitude, she might resent him for it. And especially if he doesn't follow through with all this picture painting and promises, she will have lost out on a great boost to her career for... nothing.

If he only wants to be with you because it's easy, what happens when it gets hard? Sh*t happens OP. Things go wrong, circumstances change. Is he going to give you an ultimatum to do whatever and only what HE wants for the rest of your lives? How is this kind of attitude supposed to work in a marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

We live in DC. The job is in Colorado and potentially Alaska if I’m up for it. I’m a nurse and travel jobs have more pay and a way to boost your skills and experience in a short time. I will be able to get a better job and pay when I get home. I make $80k now but will be making $20-30k more with the travel job.

We don’t live together but I’m always at his place and see him pretty much everyday.

I will be working weekends too and having him come for a day won’t really work out well. We likely we see each other very minimally for the 2 years apart.

He is the breadwinner and will be the breadwinner. This boost in my career will help pay off my loans but I will be working pt probably once kids come. He makes more than 3x what I make and that won’t change. Even at my peak salary, he will be making 3x my income.

I don’t think my boyfriend is a jerk. We were making plans for engagement and wedding. We were making plans to buy a bigger place and move on together. This opportunity came out of no where and my boss said I would be stupid to turn it down.

I very much love my boyfriend and want to marry him. I’m leaving towards staying because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t worry that I will be single forever, but I do worry I’m losing the love of my life for only $20-30k more in pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

The job is just to further my pay and career. I will be able to pay off my loans faster with the increased pay. My boyfriend offered to pay off my loans for me but I don’t want the full burden to be on him. I will always have a career but it will take a couple years to build myself up to make the travel nurse pay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is his career situation/job prospects?

What will you want to do re: career and kids two years from now?

I’m a med-surg nurse. I want to take a travel job opportunity. This will help further my career with all this experience. It can open doors for a better job and pay down the road.

I still plan to work when I have kids. We will use daycare. Boyfriend works in finance.

You can find that job anywhere. Don’t blow up your life for a nursing job that you will put to the side when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

We live in DC. The job is in Colorado and potentially Alaska if I’m up for it. I’m a nurse and travel jobs have more pay and a way to boost your skills and experience in a short time. I will be able to get a better job and pay when I get home. I make $80k now but will be making $20-30k more with the travel job.

We don’t live together but I’m always at his place and see him pretty much everyday.

I will be working weekends too and having him come for a day won’t really work out well. We likely we see each other very minimally for the 2 years apart.

He is the breadwinner and will be the breadwinner. This boost in my career will help pay off my loans but I will be working pt probably once kids come. He makes more than 3x what I make and that won’t change. Even at my peak salary, he will be making 3x my income.

I don’t think my boyfriend is a jerk. We were making plans for engagement and wedding. We were making plans to buy a bigger place and move on together. This opportunity came out of no where and my boss said I would be stupid to turn it down.

I very much love my boyfriend and want to marry him. I’m leaving towards staying because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t worry that I will be single forever, but I do worry I’m losing the love of my life for only $20-30k more in pay.

The love of your life will support your career ambitions. It's not just about the $20-30K, AFAICT, it's also about the experience and the career growth for you.

TBH, he may be in finance and earn a lot of money, but he also sounds kind of dumb if he doesn't understand how lucky he is to be marrying a nurse. You have a career that, if kept current, will always be in demand and will allow schedule flexibility when you have kids. And you are obviously talented and likely to eventually be on a leadership/management trajectory. The investment in your career right now will pay dividends for your lifetime, especially if he eventually ever burns out from finance.

I am now the breadwinner, but for 15 years DH earned 2-3x what I did. Then he burnt out and needed to step back...and luckily he supported my career so I was able to get a huge promotion and raise. I *never* imagined this would be the case. If you are in a rush, you can get married, and even pregnant, while living apart. People do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

Would you have turned down your dream job for a bf of 1.5 yrs? Its not a marriage. He hasn't even put a ring on it. Your situation seems totally different.

I did, actually! We had been dating for 16 months. I got an offer for a job back in LA, near family. Great job, payed decently more than here, an hour from where I grew up vs a 6 hour flight with plane changes. His job prospects were only here (federal work). I told him the only thing keeping me here was him, so I needed to know he viewed the relationship as serious and heading towards marriage, else I had nothing to stay for and was going to LA. He proposed the following week. We’ve been married for 17 years, all in the dc area. I regret nothing. My career has been just fine here, I’ve worked the entire time we’ve been married and had plenty of great local opportunities.

[Anonymous]

Oh god you're going to move halfway across the country for 20k? Good grief

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t take this job are you out a career? Or is this just a cool opportunity that you’ll have to work to find again?

If the former, you truly lose your career if you don’t take it, then it’s important. If it’s just delaying a promotion to turn it down/there are other promotable opportunities nearby then it is very understandable he’s upset. You are not prioritizing the relationship.

I have been married 17 years. Both of us have turned down our “dream job” at various points because that would have harmed our marriage and later our family. Did I have a Really Cool Opportunity to work abroad at one point that I turned down to prioritize the marriage? You bet. Do I still have a great career stateside? Yes. Has he turned down promotions or roles that would have kept him away from home more? Yes. Has he found other promotions and roles with more money that still carved out the desired family time? Yes.

There will be more career opportunities (unless there is more to the story). If this guy is worth it, don’t threaten leaving for a job of all things.

And if you do, that’s a valid choice but it should be a clue that the relationship isn’t that important comparatively.

Would you have turned down your dream job for a bf of 1.5 yrs? Its not a marriage. He hasn't even put a ring on it. Your situation seems totally different.

I did, actually! We had been dating for 16 months. I got an offer for a job back in LA, near family. Great job, payed decently more than here, an hour from where I grew up vs a 6 hour flight with plane changes. His job prospects were only here (federal work). I told him the only thing keeping me here was him, so I needed to know he viewed the relationship as serious and heading towards marriage, else I had nothing to stay for and was going to LA. He proposed the following week. We’ve been married for 17 years, all in the dc area. I regret nothing. My career has been just fine here, I’ve worked the entire time we’ve been married and had plenty of great local opportunities.

Okay, but this sounds different from OP. You were testing the seriousness of the relationship and willing to stay. She wants the career and the relationship. In 2025, with planes and video calls, it's possible to make LDR work for a couple of years. Resenting his refusal is a very possible outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god you're going to move halfway across the country for 20k? Good grief

+1

[Anonymous]

Look within 1-2 hours locally for the same job. No way would I do that big of a move for 20K. Not even 30K.

How would you plan your big wedding from Colorado? That means you wouldn't even be getting married for at least 3 years, assuming you come back after 2.

Nursing is a great career for moms. Know what is even better? Take the next 1.5 years and get your Nurse Practitioner. Or do that after you get married. My step-daughter did that while working 1-2 12hour shifts per week.

Then she did her DNP (online at UF) and now oversees 1200 NPs & PAs and just entered her 40's.

She has 3 kids and plenty of hands on time.

You can have a high powered nursing career right where you are with a partner you love and are already planning to marry. Travel nursing is a great way to ease into retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:After dating 18 months, it's completely understandable to be reluctant to be apart for longer than you have dated.

They are on the cusp of getting engaged in a few months, so no swipes at BF for not putting a ring on it yet. He has shown he's serious and she overheard him discussing the proposal. They discussed moving in together right away, then getting married and starting a family shortly after.

BF gets full credit for being serious. We don't know how exactly he said either marriage now or take the career promotion across the country. But will it only be 2 years? What if the company wants her to stay there, or move to their office somewhere else.

OP needs to decide whether having a high powered career is more important to her than having marriage and a family. Hopefully she can have both. Maybe not with this BF.

But she is on the verge of possibly giving up one or the other, mainly due to her age.

Getting engaged at 30, married at 31, pregnant at 32, baby at 33, baby#2 at 35 - she's already on a possibly tight schedule if she does NOT have fertility issues. If they happen to need fertility assistance, sooner rather than later is the time to find out.

Or if the draw of a promotion is pulling harder, this is a great opportunity and maybe it's just not in the cards for her and this BF. They can break up on good terms, both free to date, and if she should move back in 2 years, see where things are then.

If current home base is where both families are, does OP think she's going to move across the country, meet BF#2 who is from that location and convince him to move back to her current town? Not a sure thing.

It's time for more talking. If the company likes her this much, there may be future career advancement without moving away for 2 years. If she wants power career and family but BF sounds like he wants her to be a SAHM or shift to PT, well, that's an issue that exists now and maybe this discussion is just opening that topic earlier than it would have come up.

If OP can't bear the thought of not being with this BF for life, there's the answer.

If BF wanted to move across the country for 2 years, what would we be telling a 30yo woman? Even if they get engaged, there's a big chance he will move, meet someone else, and she will now be 32 starting over.

I won't fault OP for making either decision, as long as she understands what she is choosing and what she is possibly giving up.

I also won't fault BF for feeling blindsided by this sudden change in plans and not wanting to go 2 years without regular day-to-day interaction, just as they were about to start their engaged/married life together.

+1 This relationship is only 1.5 years long, of course he hasn't proposed yet. That would be insane. It sounds like its in the works and likely planned for their 2 year anniversary.

I am really curious about both of your careers. First off, a job that moves you 3.5 hrs away, I'm guessing you live on a coastal city now like DC -- so this job is moving you to the midwest or mountain west -- maybe Chicago or Texas? In what career is that a boost? Are you in agriculture or oil industry? Second, how does your career compare to his -- when you have kids one of you will have to step back, and its usually the one making less. So no idea if investing in career now, delaying kids and marriage, when you will be downshifting anyways in 4 years.

Also, does this role come with a pay increase? How much do you make now? How often do you see your BF now -- weekly, daily? You can easily fly back every weekend and if there is a pay increase that won't be too painful -- 3.5 hrs is not bad for a friday night - sunday night scenario, maybe even monday morning if job is flexible on start time. We did this for two years after marriage and took turns flying -- I would fly one weekend, spouse the other.

But we were much younger than you are, so we weren't in any rush to have kids. Two year delay will make him at least 35 before first kid is born, and you will be 33.

We live in DC. The job is in Colorado and potentially Alaska if I’m up for it. I’m a nurse and travel jobs have more pay and a way to boost your skills and experience in a short time. I will be able to get a better job and pay when I get home. I make $80k now but will be making $20-30k more with the travel job.

We don’t live together but I’m always at his place and see him pretty much everyday.

I will be working weekends too and having him come for a day won’t really work out well. We likely we see each other very minimally for the 2 years apart.

He is the breadwinner and will be the breadwinner. This boost in my career will help pay off my loans but I will be working pt probably once kids come. He makes more than 3x what I make and that won’t change. Even at my peak salary, he will be making 3x my income.

I don’t think my boyfriend is a jerk. We were making plans for engagement and wedding. We were making plans to buy a bigger place and move on together. This opportunity came out of no where and my boss said I would be stupid to turn it down.

I very much love my boyfriend and want to marry him. I’m leaving towards staying because I don’t want to lose him. I don’t worry that I will be single forever, but I do worry I’m losing the love of my life for only $20-30k more in pay.

The love of your life will support your career ambitions. It's not just about the $20-30K, AFAICT, it's also about the experience and the career growth for you.

TBH, he may be in finance and earn a lot of money, but he also sounds kind of dumb if he doesn't understand how lucky he is to be marrying a nurse. You have a career that, if kept current, will always be in demand and will allow schedule flexibility when you have kids. And you are obviously talented and likely to eventually be on a leadership/management trajectory. The investment in your career right now will pay dividends for your lifetime, especially if he eventually ever burns out from finance.

I am now the breadwinner, but for 15 years DH earned 2-3x what I did. Then he burnt out and needed to step back...and luckily he supported my career so I was able to get a huge promotion and raise. I *never* imagined this would be the case. If you are in a rush, you can get married, and even pregnant, while living apart. People do it.

It sounds like he supported her through school or in her current job. She will make bank with time. He offered to pay off her loans for her. His clearly loves her and is afraid of losing her. She could easily find a new guy like a doctor or something in a new place and leave him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look within 1-2 hours locally for the same job. No way would I do that big of a move for 20K. Not even 30K.

How would you plan your big wedding from Colorado? That means you wouldn't even be getting married for at least 3 years, assuming you come back after 2.

Nursing is a great career for moms. Know what is even better? Take the next 1.5 years and get your Nurse Practitioner. Or do that after you get married. My step-daughter did that while working 1-2 12hour shifts per week.

Then she did her DNP (online at UF) and now oversees 1200 NPs & PAs and just entered her 40's.

She has 3 kids and plenty of hands on time.

You can have a high powered nursing career right where you are with a partner you love and are already planning to marry. Travel nursing is a great way to ease into retirement.

I don’t want to go back to school or get my DNP. I want to work my way up and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t move across the country to a job with zero ability to see each other for 2 years for $20k. If I were him I’d be so insulted that it’s even an idea.

Pick up a specialty, work another shift here, get another degree, job hop around the metro. It is not worth throwing away a relationship for $20k when there are ways to make that here AND see each other every night. Get married, let him pay off your debts with your combined income, and chase money locally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh god you're going to move halfway across the country for 20k? Good grief

20 k could be the difference between making 6 figures. And it's not all about numbers in nursing it's what you bring to the table experience wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't you do both?

This. Get married, do long distance relationship for 2 years. My kids did that. If you love the person, you will find a way to belong to each other as well as give each other the means to grow (education, career etc).

I find it weird that the BF has said to choose.

We can’t get married before I leave. We haven’t even gotten engaged. I want a real engagement and wedding. Very big wedding with lots of family and friends. That will take a lot of time to plan.

You both sound pretty inflexible.