BF said choose marriage or a career

[Anonymous]

And yet if a man wanted to up and move if the woman wanted a family you'd also urge her to break up with him, because you hate men.

[Anonymous]

You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

Love is wanting for another person what they want for themselves. Sorry, he doesn't love you.

This isn't a hallmark movie she's the one that wants to leave.

That feels like a fake movie response. You can love someone and still want a life where you see then regularly.

+1. It sounds like both people have reasonable desires here, they just might conflict beyond the possibility of resolution. There's nothing wrong with wanting to advance your career and there's nothing wrong with wanting the person you're starting a family with to be in the same place you are. It sounds like it's not possible to do both.

Marriage is inherently a restriction on what choices you can make. If y'all do get married, this won't be the last time, for either of you. Probably not even the last time you have to take the other person (or the kids) into account when picking a job. That's part of married life. You just have to decide whether you want to do that now.

[Anonymous]

Are you engaged? Or is he dangling the possibility of perhaps getting engaged in the future? I would be wary of him promising to marry you if you don't take the job but not following thru

[Anonymous]

If he wants to marry you, why isn't there a ring on your finger? Why hasn't he proposed yet? he wants you to turn down a great job when you aren't even engaged? F that.

[Anonymous]

The red flag to me is that it seems like an ultimatum has been given rather than a discussion between partners. How will you handle other big life decisions and opportunities?

If you want to marry him, I would only give up this position if he's ready to propose asap and set a wedding date.

[Anonymous]

It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

[Anonymous]

Drop him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

[Anonymous]

If you want to be together, get married, and have a family one day - the choice is clear.

[Anonymous]

Calculate the cost of airfare every weekend for one of you to spend time with the other. Maybe that's ridiculous, or maybe it's manageable amount of money. Let's say that costs 15k a year. If you could scre that up between the two of you, then you can offer a compromise where you don't have the break up and you get your fancy pants job. If he digs in his heels further then perhaps he just doesn't care that much about the relationship as you both thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

Oh please. When the draft was in effect, men went off to the military and girlfriends/wives waited for them. People travel for medical fellowships, for Fulbright Scholarships, and their significant others either go with or wait for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got offered an amazing job that will boost my career and open the doors for a better opportunity. The position is another state for two years. My boyfriend of 1.5 years doesn’t want me to go. He flat out told me he loves me and doesn’t want to wait for two years to start our lives together. He is ready to marry me and start a family and I have to decide if I want be with him or choose my career. I feel like I will lose in some way whichever I choose. I don’t know if I will find another guy I want to marry or how this will affect my career. I don’t want to choose.

If he really loved you enough to marry you, he wouldn't put you in this position. This is a red flag

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You say you had talked about marriage and getting engaged in a couple months. Did he know you were applying for this job? Was he supportive of you applying? Or did you surprise him with this? If the latter, I can see him recoiling and feeling blindsided. If the former, he’s being immature, encouraging you to do something without discussing the his true feelings or the ramifications to your relationship ahead of time.

Life is a series of choices. You likely cannot have the perfect job and the perfect relationship and the perfect kids on the perfect timeline. You need to decide what is most important to you, understanding that it may close some doors (temporarily or permanently).

I didn’t apply for the job. My boss recommended me for it. I didn’t know until after the fact when they called me.

Then yeah, he probably feels completely blindsided. “Hey, I know we talked about getting married next year but I just got a better offer.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not really an ultimatum to say the relationship is over if the other person moves across the country on their own.

Oh please. When the draft was in effect, men went off to the military and girlfriends/wives waited for them. People travel for medical fellowships, for Fulbright Scholarships, and their significant others either go with or wait for them.

The draft isn’t exactly optional. Draftees weren’t choosing to leave their SOs for neat opportunities.