My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

The bolded attitude will spell misery for you and your poor daughter going forward. You don't make the rules in other people's lives. Can you understand that every person is different with different bandwidths? Maybe it's no big deal to you, to add an extra child. But it is to her, and YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT, because it's her invite and her house.

If I received the text you sent, I would have felt mortified... for you. And I would have been just as polite and urbane as this other mother. But don't make the mistake of believing that just because adults around you stay polite, you haven't raised a host of social red flags on yourself. You came off as whiny and childish.

No one owes you an apology. You were the social boor in this situation. Also, you are not allowed to pretext "inclusivity" to angle for an invite! The only time being inclusive is socially acceptable is when you work to include others - not yourself or your children. I can't believe you don't realize this. The next time you plan a get-together with your friends, or your child's friends, I'm sure you'd be unpleasantly surprised if someone used that concept to invite themselves over: you'd probably think they were extremely rude, and you'd be right.

Honestly this is how I would feel and act towards OP as well. I would be polite to OP and her daughter but I would quickly distance ourselves from them.

[Anonymous]

So, what's the history here - have you invited this girl to your home for a playdate before? Are the girls really a group of 4 friends, or is your DD friends with 1 of the 3 other girls?

If I were you, I would feel left out too, OP. But - I would not act like it in front of DD and I would encourage her to find another fun activity. You want her to pick herself after a stumble up as an adult, not wallow in in.

[Anonymous]

Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

Another drama queen, I see.

[Anonymous]

OP, these people aren't real friends. They are faux friends. Both to you, and to your daughter. It's okay to teach your daughter that most people are fake. They don't really meant it. People are full of talk, but they don't walk the walk. People can be hypocritical. It isn't your kid's fault that other people aren't honest dealers. Tell your daughter to hold her head up high and look for better friends.

[Anonymous]

People are piling on the OP. Agree it was a mistake to text the mom because most people have limits on kids they want to supervise. If your daughter was so upset and spent the rest of the day crying, I’d try to teach her resilience so she can better cope with these type of situations that will pop up in her life. You should explain the situation and not assume people are leaving you both out because you are passing on your insecurities to your daughter and to fear the worst. Try and approach these situations from a rational perspective and not jump to conclusions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these people aren't real friends. They are faux friends. Both to you, and to your daughter. It's okay to teach your daughter that most people are fake. They don't really meant it. People are full of talk, but they don't walk the walk. People can be hypocritical. It isn't your kid's fault that other people aren't honest dealers. Tell your daughter to hold her head up high and look for better friends.

I’ve struggled with people pleasing my entire life and am only starting to realize at 40 years old that being empathetic and being a pushover aren’t the same thing. I’m the mom who sees the left out kid and says “come on, the more the merrier,” often ending accidentally biting off lots more this I’d planned (or am equipped) to chew. We have a small home, my husband works FT from the attic and we have 3 children and a host of activities of our own. Sometimes the overwhelm leads to a shitty play date and chaos that I’m left cleaning up long after friends have been picked up (unless I’m driving around dropping everyone off). For that reason, I’ve made a specific effort this year to keep things small and easy.

The above comment is absurd. My kids have awesome friends and because their school is small, the parents are all pretty close as well. No one thinks I’m a “bad friend” or that my kids are unkind to their kids because they can’t all come over at one time. It’s just how life works. People have jobs and plans and logistics and that’s normal. OP should teach her kid that now instead of creating some weird insecurity that will ensure both mom and daughter are absolutely crushed going forward. Boundaries are healthy. Actually they’re part of solid friendships regardless of age.

OP, don’t be like my mom. Set a better example for your daughter and show her what it actually means to advocate for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's incredibly hurt, so I did send the mom a text (I do know her, it's not like I am a random parent she has never met before) saying that my DD was hurt that she couldn't have been included in the playdate, it was hard to watch the girls walk off without her, and next time, could she also join in. I was very kind about it but trying to advocate for my daughter.

Eek! Hopefully your friend handles differently than most on DCUM will tell you will happen, but parents talk then kids talk so at very least prepare your kid for going into school and having the friend who likes her least or even her best friend say in front of others, “my mom said you cried” or variation of “my mom says we HAVE to include you next time because you were sad.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

Maybe the mom is aware of how the dynamic changes if OPs daughter is there. If OP DD is best friends with one of the girls they may only play with each other in a group instead of mixing with the other two girls. My DD has friends that are like that and I’m careful not to invite both at the same time because then my DD is left out. I’m happy to invite each individually for playdates because on their own they play really well with my DD. The mom may not wanted to say all of that and instead just said that 3 is her limit.

[Anonymous]

I only do one-on-one playdates, OP. Tiny house, very little bandwidth.

And yet here we are, my teens are now 19 and 14, and we will have a nice group of friends with no drama.

You are extremely dramatic. We would not be friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve struggled with people pleasing my entire life and am only starting to realize at 40 years old that being empathetic and being a pushover aren’t the same thing. I’m the mom who sees the left out kid and says “come on, the more the merrier,” often ending accidentally biting off lots more this I’d planned (or am equipped) to chew. We have a small home, my husband works FT from the attic and we have 3 children and a host of activities of our own. Sometimes the overwhelm leads to a shitty play date and chaos that I’m left cleaning up long after friends have been picked up (unless I’m driving around dropping everyone off). For that reason, I’ve made a specific effort this year to keep things small and easy.

The above comment is absurd. My kids have awesome friends and because their school is small, the parents are all pretty close as well. No one thinks I’m a “bad friend” or that my kids are unkind to their kids because they can’t all come over at one time. It’s just how life works. People have jobs and plans and logistics and that’s normal. OP should teach her kid that now instead of creating some weird insecurity that will ensure both mom and daughter are absolutely crushed going forward. Boundaries are healthy. Actually they’re part of solid friendships regardless of age.

OP, don’t be like my mom. Set a better example for your daughter and show her what it actually means to advocate for yourself.

Thank you for this comment! I actually found several PPs talking about how “they themselves would demonstrate inclusivity but won’t demand others do the same” quite absurd. How much inclusivity are we talking about here? One child demands to be included? Or 2? Or 5? What about the whole class? Or the kids in your whole neighborhood? Come on, People! Be realistic! This is not time for you to act like you have the moral high ground and empathy for OP. This kind of comment would only strengthen OP’s view that this other mom was at fault by not being inclusive! Everyone has their limit. Period. Inclusivity isn’t an issue in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

You will never be satisfied OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

Seriously? Plenty of people don't want a gaggle of kids running around. Maybe they have other kids. Animals. Small house. Work to do . Doesn't really matter, you sound like you're a problem even assuming that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

+1 NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I’ve struggled with people pleasing my entire life and am only starting to realize at 40 years old that being empathetic and being a pushover aren’t the same thing. I’m the mom who sees the left out kid and says “come on, the more the merrier,” often ending accidentally biting off lots more this I’d planned (or am equipped) to chew. We have a small home, my husband works FT from the attic and we have 3 children and a host of activities of our own. Sometimes the overwhelm leads to a shitty play date and chaos that I’m left cleaning up long after friends have been picked up (unless I’m driving around dropping everyone off). For that reason, I’ve made a specific effort this year to keep things small and easy.

The above comment is absurd. My kids have awesome friends and because their school is small, the parents are all pretty close as well. No one thinks I’m a “bad friend” or that my kids are unkind to their kids because they can’t all come over at one time. It’s just how life works. People have jobs and plans and logistics and that’s normal. OP should teach her kid that now instead of creating some weird insecurity that will ensure both mom and daughter are absolutely crushed going forward. Boundaries are healthy. Actually they’re part of solid friendships regardless of age.

OP, don’t be like my mom. Set a better example for your daughter and show her what it actually means to advocate for yourself.

Thank you for this comment! I actually found several PPs talking about how “they themselves would demonstrate inclusivity but won’t demand others do the same” quite absurd. How much inclusivity are we talking about here? One child demands to be included? Or 2? Or 5? What about the whole class? Or the kids in your whole neighborhood? Come on, People! Be realistic! This is not time for you to act like you have the moral high ground and empathy for OP. This kind of comment would only strengthen OP’s view that this other mom was at fault by not being inclusive! Everyone has their limit. Period. Inclusivity isn’t an issue in this scenario.

I think most people who said they would take on one more kid were responding to the actual scenario- which was one more kid. But they also said the other mom wasn't wrong for sticking to her max playdate number of 3. Idk why these comments irked so many people or made people ponder alternate scenarios like multiple additional kids. That wasn't what happened here according to OP's post.