My kid witnessed another playdate - awkward - how to handle?

[Anonymous]

Mom to older kids. This is going to happen and it may happen in the reverse some day. Kids have to learn that their friends have other friends. You are acting very immature about it and need to teach your kid about life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

The bolded attitude will spell misery for you and your poor daughter going forward. You don't make the rules in other people's lives. Can you understand that every person is different with different bandwidths? Maybe it's no big deal to you, to add an extra child. But it is to her, and YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT, because it's her invite and her house.

If I received the text you sent, I would have felt mortified... for you. And I would have been just as polite and urbane as this other mother. But don't make the mistake of believing that just because adults around you stay polite, you haven't raised a host of social red flags on yourself. You came off as whiny and childish.

This is why socializing with these types of people is so very gross. They are never truthful or authentic, but judge their @sses off. And what they need from people like OP is the constant striving to please, feeling off kilter and putting a premium of belonging to a clique that doesn't value them. If you just opt out of the climbing/pleasing role, you and your kid will be much happier. Jesus - leave middle school behind and prevent it for your kid!

No one owes you an apology. You were the social boor in this situation. Also, you are not allowed to pretext "inclusivity" to angle for an invite! The only time being inclusive is socially acceptable is when you work to include others - not yourself or your children. I can't believe you don't realize this. The next time you plan a get-together with your friends, or your child's friends, I'm sure you'd be unpleasantly surprised if someone used that concept to invite themselves over: you'd probably think they were extremely rude, and you'd be right.

Honestly this is how I would feel and act towards OP as well. I would be polite to OP and her daughter but I would quickly distance ourselves from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday at pickup, my DD saw her best friend (and I'm also close friends with the mom) leaving with two other girls, and one of the girls' mothers.
My DD went up to her friend and said, "Can you come over and play?"
Her best friend said, "No, sorry, I'm going to Larla's house."
Larla's mom was standing right there and could have also offered to have my DD join the playdate. Instead, she just made a comment to my DD, ("What a cute shirt! Ready for soccer season?"), collected the three girls, and my DD was left standing with me. She then broke down in tears.

Meanwhile, the mom hosting the playdate has recently become close with my friend. I'm feeling like both my DD and I are somehow trying to be edged out by this mom. I'm considering texting her just to say how hurt my DD was that she couldn't have been included in the play date. How hard would it have been for the host mom to extend the invite to one more kid? Instead my kid got rejected in front of three kids. Wondering how to phrase it and what to say.

So she didn't include the other girls, who were right there, in the invite?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Listen, OP totally did the wrong thing, mostly for her daughter, who needs to manage her disappointed feelings in a constructive way. But let’s face it; these moms and the social engineering and behind the scene games and the exclusion are also super gross. Oooh 4 girls is way too many for a play date!!! Give me a break! Mean girl sh*t!

PP's home is not a clown car where you shove as many little girls in as possibly physically fit. She can manage 3, so that's her limit. She is allowed to set limits in her own home. Did it occur to you maybe she has other children? So she might have five total. Or what if her other kids are ALSO having playdates? She could have six children total to handle that afternoon. Or maybe three is simply all she can manage and exerted her right to set a boundary. Lay off. It's not being a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I read all the replies and appreciate them but genuinely don't feel I was out of line. When people can be so exclusive why not push for inclusivity? I did appreciate that the parent replied to my text. I wanted to be transparent about how it made my child feel so next time there might be a bit more self-reflection. I understand not every child is invited to each playdate, but if the opportunity arises, why not extend the offer to one more kid instead of simply changing the subject? My child clearly wanted to play. The mom in question has a large home and could have accommodated the extra child and I would have been happy to reciprocate next time. It was just an awkward situation which could have been made kinder by inclusivity.

The bolded attitude will spell misery for you and your poor daughter going forward. You don't make the rules in other people's lives. Can you understand that every person is different with different bandwidths? Maybe it's no big deal to you, to add an extra child. But it is to her, and YOU SHOULD RESPECT THAT, because it's her invite and her house.

If I received the text you sent, I would have felt mortified... for you. And I would have been just as polite and urbane as this other mother. But don't make the mistake of believing that just because adults around you stay polite, you haven't raised a host of social red flags on yourself. You came off as whiny and childish.

No one owes you an apology. You were the social boor in this situation. Also, you are not allowed to pretext "inclusivity" to angle for an invite! The only time being inclusive is socially acceptable is when you work to include others - not yourself or your children. I can't believe you don't realize this. The next time you plan a get-together with your friends, or your child's friends, I'm sure you'd be unpleasantly surprised if someone used that concept to invite themselves over: you'd probably think they were extremely rude, and you'd be right.

Honestly this is how I would feel and act towards OP as well. I would be polite to OP and her daughter but I would quickly distance ourselves from them.

This is why socializing with these types of people is so very gross. They are never truthful or authentic, but judge their @sses off. And what they need from people like OP is the constant striving to please, feeling off kilter and putting a premium of belonging to a clique that doesn't value them. If you just opt out of the climbing/pleasing role, you and your kid will be much happier. Jesus - leave middle school behind and prevent it for your kid!

[Anonymous]

Omg. Say nothing.

People can have play dates and not include your child. If your child wants a play dates with 3 other girls, invite them.

And most important, it was you who should have stepped in and told your child: “the kids are having a play date, we’ll host and invite a different time - say bye to them”. This was on you to gently guide your child.

Writing something to the other mother will just label you as too much drama and lead people to avoid you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, these people aren't real friends. They are faux friends. Both to you, and to your daughter. It's okay to teach your daughter that most people are fake. They don't really meant it. People are full of talk, but they don't walk the walk. People can be hypocritical. It isn't your kid's fault that other people aren't honest dealers. Tell your daughter to hold her head up high and look for better friends.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound exhausting. My girls have friends that are siblings the same ages as them - it would be so convenient to do all play dates together, wouldn't it? But sometimes it just doesn't work out that way - recently one of the girls invited one of my daughters to go get ice cream and the other one invited a different friend. Obviously my other daughter found out, but she was fine with it because she recognizes that everyone has a lot of friends and sometimes she'll be invited and sometimes she won't.

It's NOT about real friends and fake friends, it's just how friendships work. Sometimes you're invited, sometimes you're not. That's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, these people aren't real friends. They are faux friends. Both to you, and to your daughter. It's okay to teach your daughter that most people are fake. They don't really meant it. People are full of talk, but they don't walk the walk. People can be hypocritical. It isn't your kid's fault that other people aren't honest dealers. Tell your daughter to hold her head up high and look for better friends.

+1

Are you for real??? it’s not about being fake. It’s not being about you. The mom already had 3 kids to manage. It is not easy just to add another.

And if your outlook is that that is fake and are not real friends, then you won’t have any friends. Get with being socially aware of norms. It’s obvious OP is not and neither are you.

[Anonymous]

OP gets 1 free pass to text another mom once and regret it, but if repeats, then is the mom to kid more likely to have tough time in MS when the real icing out can happen!!! Better to teach kid now that won’t always be invited and life goes on.

[Anonymous]

I talk to my kids a lot about how it’s healthy to have a range of friends - both as a child and as an adult. Different friends and friend groups may meet different needs and - quiet honestly - some times you may just need breaks from friends and that is okay. Just like I want them to have branch out and not just stick with a small core group of friends, it’s healthy for their friends to have other friends. We change up play dates and interactions so we get a variety of experiences with different personalities.

What is not healthy is having a group of friends that you cannot do anything or go anywhere without. Our biggest social issues have been with overly clingy friends who think they “own” my kids friendship and don’t want them to socialize with other people.

[Anonymous]

Shit happens, shake it off. Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be. This sort of inclusion/ exclusion will change 20 times or more by the time HS is finished and this won't even register as a thing that out to be discussed. You're better than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP gets 1 free pass to text another mom once and regret it, but if repeats, then is the mom to kid more likely to have tough time in MS when the real icing out can happen!!! Better to teach kid now that won’t always be invited and life goes on.

Except she doesn't regret it. She double and triple downed on her actions. She needs a parenting course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's incredibly hurt, so I did send the mom a text (I do know her, it's not like I am a random parent she has never met before) saying that my DD was hurt that she couldn't have been included in the playdate, it was hard to watch the girls walk off without her, and next time, could she also join in. I was very kind about it but trying to advocate for my daughter.

Oh dear lord…your poor daughter. She’s not going to be included in anything going forward and all those moms are going to talk about you, but not to you.

At least let your kid know that the other kids don’t invite her bc of you, she needn’t think it’s about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yesterday at pickup, my DD saw her best friend (and I'm also close friends with the mom) leaving with two other girls, and one of the girls' mothers.
My DD went up to her friend and said, "Can you come over and play?"
Her best friend said, "No, sorry, I'm going to Larla's house."
Larla's mom was standing right there and could have also offered to have my DD join the playdate. Instead, she just made a comment to my DD, ("What a cute shirt! Ready for soccer season?"), collected the three girls, and my DD was left standing with me. She then broke down in tears.

Meanwhile, the mom hosting the playdate has recently become close with my friend. I'm feeling like both my DD and I are somehow trying to be edged out by this mom. I'm considering texting her just to say how hurt my DD was that she couldn't have been included in the play date. How hard would it have been for the host mom to extend the invite to one more kid? Instead my kid got rejected in front of three kids. Wondering how to phrase it and what to say.

So she didn't include the other girls, who were right there, in the invite?

Yes how hard would have it been to included the other girls in the invite over to your house? Op?