Husband refuses to help with night feedings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

This is dumb. Your daughters won't know if their husband will be willing to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby until his ass won't get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

OP here. I resent your analysis of the situation. While my husband and I are having differing opinion with night feedings, we are on the same page with many things. My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and together for 5. He is a great husband and father. I don't understand the point of acting like you know an entire person or their relationship based on one sore spot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a postpartum doula. Best money we spent in the newborn days. When DS was sleeping she folder laundry, washed bottles and pump parts.

OP here. Any recommendations? Will they work on a PT, short-term basis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a postpartum doula. Best money we spent in the newborn days. When DS was sleeping she folder laundry, washed bottles and pump parts.

OP here. Any recommendations? Will they work on a PT, short-term basis?

Yes, for Hush Hush Little Baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something doesn’t sound right to me - you are pumping, nursing AND supplementing? Maybe change the order of things to stretch out the time between feedings. How about he feeds the baby a formula bottle at 11pm, thus giving you a longer stretch of sleep that may also increase your production before the next feeding?

BTW, doctors and lactation consultants can advise you, but only you and your baby know how to work this out. Why are you pumping on maternity leave? It is really helping your supply more than exclusively breast feeding?

I totally get the desire to supply your own milk, but sometimes your baby needs more than you can make. Also, are YOU drinking and eating enough, in addition to napping whenever the baby does? Helps a LOT with supply.

OP here. I was feeding at 10, going to bed at 11 and then sleeping until 3/4am. I nurse exclusively for all feeds except the bottle my husband was giving the baby. I pump after every ffed during the day to stimulate production. I supplement in the evening and a night with formula.

I trust my doctor and her experience. I also trust the location consultant. He has weight gain issues and needs to ear every 3 hours, day and night.

I am eating and drinking plenty. I make 20-24 ounces and he is eating 24-28 ounces. I only give him 4-8 ounces of formula a day.

He doesn't have weight gain issues if he's eating every 3 hours that's a normal 5 week old schedule.

OP here. Maybe I didn't explain enough in detail. While 2-3 hours is typical newborn intervals, we are also experiencing weight + low supply issues. I can feed every 3 hours and still struggle with weight gain and supply issues. I'm not sure why you think both can't be true at the same time.

I did say we struggled with weight gain issues and supply issues when I mentioned supplementing and pumping. Most 5 weeks old can sleep for longer at night, but we can't let him go longer than 3 hours without eating.

He was born at a normal weight but with low supply ( I was making about 16 ounces a day) and some minor latch issues, he did not regain his birth weight at 2 weeks. We were advised by the pediatircan to see a lactation consultant and supplement. The lactation consultant suggested weight feeds and pumping after every feeding for 10 minutes. He was underfed because I was not making enough milk. I went from making 16 ounces to now 20-24 ounces a day. He is now is better at nursing and getting more milk out, but he is still on the smaller side of weight. The pediatrician was not super happy with his weight at 4 weeks. We have to feed him every 3 hours and make sure he eats a minimum of 24 ounces a day. I may start reducing pumping post feeding but the main goal for me is to breastfeed and provide him majority of his calories through breastmilk. He is gaining weight now, but was not gaining well the first month even though he was eating every 2-3 hours.

[Anonymous]

How often do you breast feed during the day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) stop changing the baby’s diaper at night unless he poops

2) don’t wash your pump parts each time- stick them in the fridge like you would if you were pumping at work.

I think your dh should take one of the shifts, but will say that I did all nighttime stuff with 2 kids bc I was nursing and the baby (and I) went back to sleep quickly bc neither of us fully woke up for feedings),

OP here.

1. He pees a lot and his diaper is soaked at 3 hours. I have waited longer and he peed on his clothes.
2. I keep pump parts in fridge and wash every other time. I've read that this is not a recommended method.

The baby has no issues with going back to sleep. Sometimes he doesn't wake up and I have to wake him up at 3 hours. We have the snoo. I change diaper, feed, and he's very drowsy from eating. I put him back in the snoo and he is asleep again within minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.

DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.

But op doesn't want a stranger in her house

She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.

OP here. It will different during the day if myself or my husband are here. I would want to see how she works, how she is with baby, if I can trust her, etc., before I would have her in my home at night. I would not feel comfortable hiring a stranger to take care of my tiny newborn at night without knowing much about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

OP can fix only herself. She can keep refusing to take a nap, and continue fighting with her husband. Sounds like children having children, although we aren’t talking about teens here.

DP. Agree she can only fix herself which is why if DH continued to refuse to compromise, I’d be hiring a night nurse.

But op doesn't want a stranger in her house

She was ok with hiring one during the day so she can be ok with it at night.

Let's be real op wouldn't be getting any rest even with a day nanny because she would still be finding things to do and micromanaging the nanny.
So if her husband isn't going to step up she's just going to have to tough it out until the baby is sleeping longer

OP here. I would feel more comfortable napping if my husband were in the house to oversee the person during the day. It's much different when both of us are sleeping and we can't know what is going on. I just don't trust people to care for my child. I worry way too much something bad will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

This is dumb. Your daughters won't know if their husband will be willing to get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby until his ass won't get up in the middle of the night to feed the baby.

Sure they will. First of all this is something you discuss before marriage— what should the breakdown of household responsibilities be. A man who isn’t committed to being an equal parent isn’t going to have a plan for being an equal parent, is going to say a lot of wishy-washy “we’ll figure it out” nonsense.

Second of all, the first instance of selfish immaturity is not going to be an unwillingness to get out of bed to care for an infant. There’s going to have been plenty of times where his “needs” had to take precedence in the past. You don’t have kids with someone who consistently puts themselves ahead of everyone else because they’re going to be the ones warm in bed at 2am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean really this thread is a cautionary tale against:

1. Marrying man children.
2. Listening to women who mistake being taken advantage of for “strength”.


Ladies know your worth and teach your daughters!

OP here. I resent your analysis of the situation. While my husband and I are having differing opinion with night feedings, we are on the same page with many things. My husband and I have been happily married for 3 years and together for 5. He is a great husband and father. I don't understand the point of acting like you know an entire person or their relationship based on one sore spot.

Great husbands and fathers don’t let their 5 wk postpartum wives go without sleep so they can get in a workout before they telework.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:


What happened to Mom’s daytime naps??

Op refuses to nap during the day.
Her husband refuses to share in night care

They both refuse outside help.


I think the best advice.is to be one and done

This, plus also refusing to supplement more to free up more time. Both are very rigid, which is fine, but makes things much harder.

OP here. I am supplementing per pediatrician recommendation. He doesn't need to be supplemented during the day as he gets enough. I do supplement at night based on his hunger. My main goal is to provide him with him breast milk and that is why I pump after feedings.

This is his an idea of his feeding schedule. Times and amount at night changes. I'm not denying him milk. He is eating 24-28oz a day with 20-24 ounces breast milk + 4-8 ounces of formula.

6am- 2-3oz breastmilk. 8am - 2oz breastmilk, 10am - 2oz of breastmilk, 12pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 3pm - 3oz of breastmilk, 5pm - 2oz of breastmilk, 7pm - 2oz breastmilk, 10pm - 3-4oz (2oz breastmilk +1-2oz formula), 1am - 3-4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula), 4am - 4oz ( 2oz breastmilk + 1-2oz formula).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to go to bed by 8pm. Your husband takes the 10pm feed, and you handle the middle of the night ones.

Others have said this is a short time and they are right, but there is a LOT of rigidity in both of your expectations for how things will go, and some things have to give.

One of those things is that your husband will go to sleep later than he wants. You'll go to sleep earlier than you want. He will likely work out less frequently for a while. Eventually it will all settle out, but these compromises are key to sustaining a healthy relationship with an infant.

+1 to all of this.

And OP, I'm going to give an opinion that you are not going to like, but here it is - start learning to trust your gut. You've got a pediatrician micro-managing you and a lactation consultant micro-managing you and you are trying to do everything they say and also live up to your husband's expectations that you breastfeed.

So, #1 - if it's really that important to your husband that you breastfeed he needs to step up and do a late night or early morning feed so you can rest.

#2 - grill your pediatrician on the weight gain. You can feed an otherwise healthy newborn on demand. Was your baby low birth weight? Lose a lot of weight in the hospital? If he's not gaining as quickly as your ped would like what is the ped basing that on? Because something is not adding up if you have sufficient supply, are pumping, and supplementing.

#3 - give yourself and your husband a break as much as you can. The newborn phase is HARD.

OP here.

1. It's important for me to breastfeed too. I want to make sure my baby gets as much nutrition from breast milk as possible for the first 3 months. My husband also wants me to breastfeed and agrees breastmilk is the best food for him.

2. He was born at a normal weight - 6lbs 14oz in 32 percentile but was down to 6lbs at day 4 at 3rd percentile. Two weeks he was 6lbs 7oz and 7lbs 2oz at 4 weeks. Yesterday he was 7lbs 12oz.

I had low supply the first 2 weeks and didn't know. Then it took 2 weeks of pumping on top of breastfeeding + supplementing to start making him gain weight. He is now gaining well but the pediatrician still has us feeding every 3 hours. She wants to see 1-2lbs weight gain by 8 weeks. He is small and still in newborn diapers and clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this made me so glad I coslept with my babies. Whip a boob out and go right back to sleep. No pumping. No washing parts. No babies crying at night. It’s the norm in so many other countries, but we make American mothers miserable with safe sleep advice because doctors can’t come out and say that cosleeping is only for nursing mothers who don’t use substances and are generally healthy (e.g. no morbid obesity and sleep apnea). Look up the seven Ss of safe cosleeping and save your sanity.

OP here. My husband knows a co-worker who had a newborn die by co-sleeping even though they followed all the " safe sleep" guidelines. I have read other smilier stories. I would never put my baby in such a position. We got the snoo because we are both 100% against co-sleeping. I don't care how much someone convinces me it's " safe".

Even if I were to co-sleep, there will still be supply issues and I would have to feed formula. The above situation only works if you EBF without supply or weight gain issues.

I'm still going with the stance that co-sleeping is not safe. We have no idea if and how many babies died in other countries from co-sleeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get a postpartum doula. Best money we spent in the newborn days. When DS was sleeping she folder laundry, washed bottles and pump parts.

OP here. Any recommendations? Will they work on a PT, short-term basis?

Yes, for Hush Hush Little Baby.

OP here. I will check it out.