He's cheating. Now what?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

Oh STFU. If the rule was that only perfect people with perfect marriages could have kids there would be no kids. And if this poster says she had a nice childhood she had a nice childhood.

Literally all parents are imperfect and literally anybody can have kids. I don’t know PP’s story but plenty of people who had bad childhoods never realize it or don’t realize it until much later on in life when they’re in therapy. They might think that consistent spanking, comments about weight, a lot of yelling, living vicariously through your child, etc are okay or at least didn’t impact them.

Again , the thing that children need most are two emotionally regulated parents. People who enjoy a childhood like that have a massive leg up in life. You’re familiar with the Adverse Childhood Experiences study, right? Seriously if you want your kids to do well in life, regulate your own emotions and don’t do anything that will cause a significant hardship on your partner. This is so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?

Nope. Apples and oranges. You’re really stretching here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

I don't know. To me this is just being good friends. They worked for years on their friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
With that being said, I would not seek to get remarried regardless. I have never wanted to get married again, whether the marriage ends in divorce, or widowhood, or whatever. My focus would be my children. I'm also very independent in my own way and I would be OK being on my own.

What's best for your kids may be to have 2 parents around the house. I don't know your situation, but just consider that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you have the presence of mind and self control not to pick up the laptop and smash him in the head with it???!?!!! My god--I would explode.

+1 me too! He will be awake in seconds explaining me everything (well, probably lying about everything.)

All cheaters lie. It's part of the cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

I don't know. To me this is just being good friends. They worked for years on their friendship.

According to my mom they still have sex, so friends with benefits who are married? Whatever you want to call it.

They have an open marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?

Nope. Apples and oranges. You’re really stretching here.

I considered cheating and then having sex with me a form of rape.

Then you need psychological help. You’re also minimizing the experience of actual rape victims.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

What does any of that have to do with the question of whether or not cheating on your partner impacts how well you’re parenting them, how well you are maintaining a stable home for your children?

The point is that no one is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I would discuss with him an open marriage and if you still sleep with him use condoms. I don’t feel it’s feasible to divorce just because of sex, if he’s a great father, and your life is otherwise comfortable. I would be more concerned if he had a serious affair that’s a marriage killer. He seems to have sex dependency

What I find appalling with cheaters is then opening marriage for themselves and often keeping “clean” spouses on call for sex when they want to, and fully unaware.

You should be able to fulfill your sexual desires and feel made adoration as well, not to always think about him and his transgressions.

You have to learn to treat sex as basic bodily function like meals. Your husband has meals out at times, same applies to sex.

This.

I would confront him only that I would require condoms in the future, assuming I wanted to stay in the marriage.

How are you supposed to kiss a husband you know is likely having oral sex with other people? How do you perform that function for him knowing where his parts have been? Do you wear a condom for that too?

totally aside from the cheating issue, did your significant other come to you as a virgin?

People have a lot of hang ups about sex being dirty.

Yes, we met very young and each lost our virginity to the other.

The funny thing is, we've had what I thought was a pretty dirty (in a good way) sex life for the last 20+ years. We've been pretty adventurous. Tried all kinds of new things. Not super kinky I guess but robust and regular. Only short breaks around the births of our children. I've never said no to anything he wanted to do or try, I've worn all kinds of outfits and played with toys and watched porn and all kinds of stuff. Ask and ye shall receive. I enjoy sex.

Everything I saw from his laptop is him meeting up with a couple for threesomes with a man and a woman. In the exchanges he's very clear he's straight and not looking for sex with the man, but rather for another man to enjoy a beautiful woman with. He's told over the years this is a fantasy of his, but never asked me to act it out with him in real life. It never crossed my mind he would go from telling me this fantasy to acting it out with 2 strangers.

This is different. It would be easier for me to potentially forgive in some ways because he's looking for an experience and not another person per se; however, now that you see him as a liar and how easily he does it to you, it will be hard to see him any other way.

IT's not female, female, male. It's weird to me he wants the other man there. That raises some really weird new element into his sexuality and where he is headed or questioning.

OP here, I agree.

It's weird to you. To people who have a cuckold fetish, the presence of the other man is necessary. If he was questioning or not straight, he wouldn't be drawing the boundary of "the woman only".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tonight I found undeniable proof my husband of almost 20 years has been cheating on me. Probably multiple times with multiple partners over an extended period of time, both locally and on business travel.

I'm in shock because he's very loving and we have regular sex.

He doesn't know that I know, and I'm not sure I should confront him. The thing is, I love him and I don't want to get divorced. We have 2 young children we both love. I'm hurt, but somehow I feel like if I were a better wife this wouldn't have happened, and if I can just go on like I don't know, we can continue on and stay together. I'm so scared he will fall in love with someone else, but if it's just more sex he wants, I can live with that. I think.

I'm not sure what to do. Can people go on and ignore things like this, forever?

Please be kind. This is one of the worst nights of my life and I don't have anyone I can tell.

How devastating. I am sorry.

If you have a therapist, then perhaps turn to them. I don't think you can ignore this obviously, but I also don't think confronting your husband without some handle on your feelings is a good idea either.

I will say that prolonged cheating with different partners is a different ball game than a single affair and suggests that your husband has an issue with monogamy and not just an issue with something in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Yeah, cheating parents are awful at making dinner, dropping the kids at school, helping with homework, and putting the kids to bed.

I really want to know how a good parent can harm the caregiver of their children? Affairs are really distressing, and you can't be an involved parent if your'e trying to also deal with really devastating events in your life. Plus, it's just sort of mean to hurt the mother of your children. I dunno, I don't see how people can be so adamant that cheating is completely separate from parenting.

+1

To those who say you can still be a good parent if you're a cheater, do you feel the same way if instead they were physically abusing their spouse?

Nope. Apples and oranges. You’re really stretching here.

I considered cheating and then having sex with me a form of rape.

Then you need psychological help. You’re also minimizing the experience of actual rape victims.

No, I've had both happen to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

A cheating parent can not be a good parent.
How can they be? They are liars, and cheaters, and lack respect for their partners. Etc... hiding things

Amazing role model you are an idiot.

OP you want to stay fine that is on you. Your kids will think you are a wimp and will blame you later for their messed up relationships. I know women who stayed for the money some are happy their grown up kids nope good luck with that crap because that is what it is crap.

I strongly disagree. I found out as an adult (when I was in my 40s) that my dad cheated on my mom, and my mom turned around and had some revenge cheating. 1) I never knew growing up. 2) both parents were attentive, loving, and good parents, and 3) I did not suspect.

They are still married today (I think 55 years?) and their marriage is strong. Being tested by a little bit of health & aging concerns, but they've been married 55 years. They worked at it. I can see that they still work at it. But they decided being married to each other was better than the alternative.

You don’t know what you missed out on. A lot of people think their childhoods were hunky dory but then they do some soul searching and realize they weren’t. I’m glad you feel like you has a good childhood and you probably did but your parents were going through a lot and when people go through a lot they are less engaged with others than they otherwise would be.

This response makes me want to wretch. How many posters on this board have two parents working their a$$es off because their careers are so damned important to them, how “engaged” can they possibly be with their kids as a result, yet how many will nonetheless insist that their kids are having great childhoods? I have a hunch the poster whose parents have been married for 55 years but during the course of such a long marriage had some infidelities were at least as “engaged” with their kids as many of the posters on here where there was no cheating.

Of course it does because you want to believe your selfishness has zero effect on anything else in your family/life. Of course you think you are a perfect wife and mother and your cheating makes you even better at it . The lies we tell ourselves...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Posts like OP’s always stir up such venom and sanctimony. The suggestion that a cheating spouse can’t love their kids or be a good parent is ridiculous. Another poster hit it right on the head: most cheaters don’t ever think they will get caught, are compartmentalizing and the parenting part of them is often doing just fine. It’s only when they get caught that there’s a problem.

No one knows what’s going on in anyone else’s head, and no one is in any position to judge anyone else’s parenting simply because there’s infidelity in the marriage.

It’s interesting. I follow the college admissions forum and I see a lot more damage being done to children there than the theoretical damage that can be done by a cheating spouse.

To me it's kind of like driving the kid with no seatbelt on. Or sending them out on a bike with no helment. You love them, you are about them, you think chances are they'll be fine, you won't have an accident. But then OOPS your choice to engage in risky behavior ends up hurting your kids. Well, that's the risk you chose to take. The kid had no choice in the matter. You made the choice, and you hurt your kid.

Whatever. Nobody’s perfect.

Ehhhh, there's a difference between being imperfect and making a selfish choice. Again and again. Over a long period of time with one AP or multiple APs. I don't think any of us expect "perfect". Choosing to gamble with your marriage and your children's future and life long well being and happiness is super, super sh*tty.