Friend asked to join book club - how to politely say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

I can’t join my neighbors country club. I guess they shouldn’t take their kids swimming or play tennis. Or maybe they can but have to go in their regular clothes so I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

I can’t join my neighbors country club. I guess they shouldn’t take their kids swimming or play tennis. Or maybe they can but have to go in their regular clothes so I don’t know.

Did you miss the PG pool thread? People had some feelings about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

[Anonymous]

Wow...13 pages of pure DCUM!

What happened OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

Okay.

I think I'll just let your reply sit there and speak for itself. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np

[Anonymous]

Wow, this thread!

I've been in a variety of book clubs for the last 25 years are so. There are some that were very open-door. And there were some longstanding ones where membership was not open. Not only that--it would have been a difficult dynamic for anyone to come into cold!

I really like the idea of helping her start a neighborhood book club, if you have the bandwidth for that. It's not that she wants to join your specific book club... it's that she wants to join a book club, ideally with you. You can make that happen ... as long as you have the time/inclination to do so.

It's also okay to say, "I'm so sorry, the club membership is kind of set as-is, but I will let you know if that changes."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np

If you expressed interest in learning more about the synagogue community what would the answer be? "Oh no, sorry, no new members allowed." If this was all so easy why didn't OP just give the answer "No" to begin with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

+1. OP, since your "book club" is really just a social gathering of your college friends, tell the new person that you aren't taking new "members".

+2 And learn some manners and stop talking about "exclusive" activities to others where you don't intend to include them.

https://www.oregonlive.com/advice/2022/01/ask-amy-isnt-it-rude-to-talk-about-parties-in-front-of-people-who-are-not-invited.html
Ask Amy: Isn’t it rude to talk about parties in front of people who are not invited?

I agree that it is rude to discuss a private gathering in front of someone who has not been invited. I think this is a basic rule most of us learned in elementary school, and yet seem to forget later in life.

That’s a reasonable rule to apply when the person is talking about an event to which the other person might have had some degree of expectation of being welcome to/included in. You don’t tell the mom of one of your kid’s classmates that you went out to dinner with a half dozen other moms from the class because that would feel exclusionary. But you’re really saying you wouldn’t mention to a friend that you’re going to your Aunt Gertrude’s retirement party because your friend might be hurt not to have been included in a party for someone they’re never even met and have no connection to?

So my friend who is an attorney isn’t allowed to talk about industry conferences or meetings I’m not invited to because I’m in an entirely different profession? And I’m not allowed to talk to her about the conferences or work-social events I attend? Or my cousin isn’t allowed to tell me about her sorority reunion? My Jewish friends are not allowed to tell me about events and experiences and celebrations in their synagogue community? -np

If you expressed interest in learning more about the synagogue community what would the answer be? "Oh no, sorry, no new members allowed." If this was all so easy why didn't OP just give the answer "No" to begin with?

+1 This. If it was a clear members only club, OP would have just said no. She just doesn't want her close friend there, because she likes having her own clique. Which is fine, but she shouldn't babble about it to others then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, this thread!

I've been in a variety of book clubs for the last 25 years are so. There are some that were very open-door. And there were some longstanding ones where membership was not open. Not only that--it would have been a difficult dynamic for anyone to come into cold!

I really like the idea of helping her start a neighborhood book club, if you have the bandwidth for that. It's not that she wants to join your specific book club... it's that she wants to join a book club, ideally with you. You can make that happen ... as long as you have the time/inclination to do so.

It's also okay to say, "I'm so sorry, the club membership is kind of set as-is, but I will let you know if that changes."

Agree. It's reasonable for the neighbor to expect that the book club was open to new members since so many are. How was she to know that it wasn't that type of group? There's nothing wrong with asking. If OP feels bad about having to say no, which is fair enough, then she should be more careful about how much she talks about it with others to avoid future uncomfortable situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SO weird she asked to come! Bold and rude.

Aren't we always saying "ask to join" to people who want to make friends? No she wasn't rude for asking.

NP. I don't think she was rude for asking per se, but I certainly think there are better and worse ways of asking, and some are more rude than others. You don't put someone else on the spot like this -- not if you are thoughtful and care about them. It's polite to leave a clear "out" open.

I can't imagine NOT leading in with something like, "Is your book club even open to new people joining? If they are ..." etc. I mean, of course. If it were just a bald "Hey! Can I come, too?" then there is something rude about that.

It's also rude to talk about groups that another person wouldn't be permitted to join.

Sure. And neither mitigated the rudeness of the other.

No it does not. OP created this problem by talking about a group activity to her "close friend" that she doesn't want her friend to join. And now she's acting high school mean-girl because she wants to keep her friends to herself. She lacks basic social skills.

This can't be a real opinion of a read adult in the real world. You want too much of people -- and others have a right to make decisions for themselves about how much or little they allow you into their lives. If you french kiss you're considered friends, but if you put up some boundaries you're only "friends"? I thought it was the other way around.

You could use some education on basic manners and literacy.

LOL cut paste repeat, eh PP? Basic manners says barging in is rude. Being invited in is fine. See the difference?