Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

I think some people prefer not to go out in the evenings. I have childless friends like this, too. They prefer a calm evening and a good sleep over running around town. To each their own, different strokes for different folks etc etc

I wouldn’t take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I am very tired and generally would rather stay home and go to bed early, maybe read a book or work on one of my hobbies before going to bed at 9. My DH is capable of doing dinner/bedtime without me, and does on the rare occasion I go out. But those nights are planned far in advance for my sake, not his. I have to gear up for being social after 7pm, I have to plan my week around being up later than usual.

In order to ensure I get nights off from the kids, I periodically go to a bar or cafe near our house in the evening while DH stays home. I read a book and gave a glass of wine or tea and enjoy not having to talk to anyone.

I am so, so tired. I love my friends but I just don’t have much energy for them right now. I barely have energy for myself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

I currently have a 3yo and a 1yo. This thread has reminded me to try to make an effort to get out even when it's exhausting. But I do think it might be hard for OP to understand what bedtime looks like when you have two really little ones, given the roughly 5 year age gap between a K and 5th grader. My DH could definitely handle one night, but there's no way I would make it a regular thing. It's all hands on deck here with dinner, bath, and bedtime - especially now that the 1yo is walking (with terrible balance) and the 3yo is testing every boundary, and they both go to sleep at the same time. 6-8pm is really spoken for, and since the younger one often wakes before 6am - I want to be in bed by 9:30 and I'm tired. But yes, I can go out after that and should push myself to do it more often. But it is way easier for me to escape during the day right now. And if my friends can't give me some grace in this season, then that will just be what it will be.

Totally agree. I have a 3.5 yr old and 5 month old and bedtime is just really all hands on deck right now for both of us. I wonder if the larger age gap may have been helpful in making things a little more manageable during those first couple years with two. I had zero issue heading out in the evening when we just had my 3 year old but he is just pushing bedtime boundaries so much at this age and then combine that with an infant and either of us being alone just sucks. It happens, but we’d rather go out after bedtime or during the day during this season most of the time.

PP, my kids are almost the same ages, baby is a little younger. Latter is sleeping terribly but can't be sleep trained right now bc of medical reasons. Absolutely "all hands on deck" they both have their challenges (including breastfeeding). It's not that DH is incompetent - I would have a hard time managing on my own as well.

Could I make it happen if needed? Sure, but do I really feel like disrupting and rearranging everything when we are all exhausted already? No.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you *never* meet them at their preferred time and *always* insist on yours? If so, try taking a couple hours off and meeting them for lunch— they may be more willing to reciprocate if you don’t act as though their preferences are of less worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

I currently have a 3yo and a 1yo. This thread has reminded me to try to make an effort to get out even when it's exhausting. But I do think it might be hard for OP to understand what bedtime looks like when you have two really little ones, given the roughly 5 year age gap between a K and 5th grader. My DH could definitely handle one night, but there's no way I would make it a regular thing. It's all hands on deck here with dinner, bath, and bedtime - especially now that the 1yo is walking (with terrible balance) and the 3yo is testing every boundary, and they both go to sleep at the same time. 6-8pm is really spoken for, and since the younger one often wakes before 6am - I want to be in bed by 9:30 and I'm tired. But yes, I can go out after that and should push myself to do it more often. But it is way easier for me to escape during the day right now. And if my friends can't give me some grace in this season, then that will just be what it will be.

Totally agree. I have a 3.5 yr old and 5 month old and bedtime is just really all hands on deck right now for both of us. I wonder if the larger age gap may have been helpful in making things a little more manageable during those first couple years with two. I had zero issue heading out in the evening when we just had my 3 year old but he is just pushing bedtime boundaries so much at this age and then combine that with an infant and either of us being alone just sucks. It happens, but we’d rather go out after bedtime or during the day during this season most of the time.

My kids have this same age gap. I had to get both kids to bed my myself a lot because my husband traveled. Boundary testing 3 year old got to watch TV while I put the baby to bed. Did he stay up later and get more screen time than I would have liked? Yes. Is he a completely typical, smart, well adjusted kid 4 years later? Also yes. You do what you need to do. I think parents sometimes make things harder than they need to be by setting up arbitrary rules about screen time and whatnot. Just putting it out there in case it might work for you if you or your husband ever need to do it alone.

[Anonymous]

Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because a night of solo bedtime for DH means I owe him a night where I am flying solo at bedtime so he can go out, and a night out is hardly ever worth that to me.

What happens when you fly solo?

[Anonymous]

Yikes. This seems really out of touch with the idea that everyone lives their lives the way they choose to do so, and I totally agree with those who are saying that perhaps if one friend exclusively likes to do dinners/drinks on weeknights and another likes to do something else, maybe you should compromise. To those moms with kids who have the energy to go out in the evenings to restaurants/bars, and a husband who is able to evenly split the child care - bravo! You are apparently winning at life.

I have a 7 month old, my husband has a job with long hours and he's also currently in part-time law school at night. Every weekday he leaves for work at 8am, does daycare drop off, and then gets home from class at 9:30pm at night. On weekends he does homework the majority of the day and we make sure to try and do *some* family activity, of some sort. I am an extrovert, and also have a demanding corporate job, but it's really important for me to get out of the house while my husband is working on weekends, so I make plans to go to parks with friends, go to brunch with friends, and take walks in diff parks in the area with friends. I also hope to go to some wineries this fall since I feel like you can probably put babies on a blanket outside and let them crawl around a little. But if someone is making a plan with me, due to my husband's schedule right now, they are also making a plan with my son (who I will say is really well behaved and sleeps well - thank goodness, it would be much worse if this wasn't the case). If I'm meeting up with a non-mom friend, we usually walk since I can wear the baby, I can sometimes do brunch if I can contain him in the stroller, or I check to make sure they're okay if he's around while we do another plan. If I'm meeting up with mom-friends, they just get it, and bring their kids and they all play together.

I LOVE going to dinner and drinks, and honestly I miss it!, it's just not a reality for me right now. Taking care of my son is my priority as is supporting my husband in his career. I do something social every weekend day (even if it's just a 1-2 hour walk in my neighborhood), and try and rotate different friends so I make sure I'm staying in touch with those I want to continue to stay in touch with. Sometimes I also schedule phone dates with friends at the end of the workday, like 4:30pm if I can swing it before daycare pick-up. Sometimes I take Friday afternoons easy and go to long lunches with friends and have a drink or two. It's really hard to try and squeeze in "friend" and "me" time, and it doesn't look the way it used to, but I'm doing the best I can, and if someone was hell-bent on meeting for dinner at night, I'd be pretty annoyed, but honestly wouldn't want to be friends with someone who wasn't able to respect my situation right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very tired and generally would rather stay home and go to bed early, maybe read a book or work on one of my hobbies before going to bed at 9. My DH is capable of doing dinner/bedtime without me, and does on the rare occasion I go out. But those nights are planned far in advance for my sake, not his. I have to gear up for being social after 7pm, I have to plan my week around being up later than usual.

In order to ensure I get nights off from the kids, I periodically go to a bar or cafe near our house in the evening while DH stays home. I read a book and gave a glass of wine or tea and enjoy not having to talk to anyone.

I am so, so tired. I love my friends but I just don’t have much energy for them right now. I barely have energy for myself.

+1 I could have written this post exactly. I'm an introvert and with a 3 year old and 1 year old (who is not a great sleeper), I am exhausted every single day. Not complaining at all, this is what I signed up for, but once the kids are down, I try to spend some time cleaning up and then head right to bed so I can get at least 7-8 hours before the younger one wakes up around 5:45. I don't have many close friends in the area, so I don't have OP's problem, but if I did, I would be just like those women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

This. My husband would happily handle all kiddo duties. But after a day of work for me and daycare for kid, I want to see my kid. I want the family time. Of course exceptions exist for work travel, occasional work events, and rare events like a friend’s birthday or something. But no, I’m not missing my family time during the week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

Here let me help you. Did that kindergartener and 5th grader spring fully formed from their parent’s head?

[Anonymous]

And we wonder WHY Americans are depressed and have no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both went out one night a week with friends when kids were small. I didn't nurse so it was simpler for DH. Established the routine early and it worked for us because otherwise we each (extroverts) would have fet lonely. Keeping up friendships is definitely a skill. But for some it's just not a priority. That's OK. i happen to prefer evenings as a way to wind down.

+1

We established a routine after each of our kids turned 4-5 months and it made it easy for either parent to do bedtime alone. I had to start traveling for work when my first was 6 months so my husband quickly learned the routine. We also kept a list of sitters that we had interviewed along with our nanny so that we could have date nights/adult outings with friends. It was important to us to maintain a schedule and routine because it made it easy for anyone to come in and do it. My husband travels a lot for work (pre-Covid) and so there are many nights I am on my own putting two kids to bed. It's just something we prioritized. I know not everyone prioritizes this and that's fine but I do get annoyed when people are so shocked that my husband stays home with the kids when I travel for work or for a girls' weekend and then comment on how lucky I am. It's not just luck! It's a combination of many factors and luck is just one piece of it.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried suggesting a later reservation? I have a 3yo and a 10mo. I do go out with friends at night, maybe 1-2x/month, but I usually try to time it so I can go after the 10 month old is in bed (so, an 8pm or 830pm reservation). Otherwise I have to pump before I go and my husband has to do both bedtimes, which means the older one gets to bed later, and it's just kind of a pain. It means I get home around 1030/11 and won't get to bed until around midnight, but to me it is worth it for an occasional night out.

I also know a couple of women who basically will never do this. They are early risers (or their kids are) and they are not willing to sacrifice a night of good sleep for a night out. I get it to a degree, but to me it is worth it to miss a couple hours of sleep to get out and see my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends a A LOT on ages. We have two under two and are drowning. It takes both of us to get dinner together, keep both kids same, and do bedtimes.

Once the youngest is 4-6 months old, I’m confident I’ll be ready for a night out! But until then, sorry.

You have a newborn - that is different