Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

[Anonymous]

I see my kids for all of 3 hours in the evening before they have to go to sleep. I’m sorry but I want to go home after work.

Also, what are we going to do at night that we can’t do over lunch? I save date nights for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This may be an unpopular post. I am not trying to be incendiary. But this has been burning my curiosity for a while, so here we go -- I truly want to understand.

I have a couple of friends who cannot seem to go out at night. They want to get together and text often and try to make plans during the day if they're working at home and kids are at daycare. But they cannot get out at night because it means leaving their kids home with their husband during dinner and bath.

I am genuinely curious: Why can't you leave your kids at home? Can't your spouse feed them and bathe them? What happens between the hours of 6-10 that is sacred? Why won't you give yourself a break? It is straining a few friendships with women who seem tethered to a routine that stifles them. Why?

Maybe they don’t consider going out with you in the evening “a break”. Maybe they don’t consider their routines to be “stifling “. I’m genuinely curious: Why, if you have friends who can make plans during the day, you’re so insistent on having them make plans in the evening? 6-10 is often the only time that the entire family can spend time together awake. For some that is pretty precious— and a priority over spending time with friends who could be flexible but apparently choose not to.

Have you ever offered to do kid-friendly activities? If not, then maybe ask yourself why you’re comfortable straining friendships — insisting that your friends with family responsibilities conform to the demands and schedules of the friends who lack such responsibilities.

Ive got three young kids and going out at night, drinking, staying up late is just exhausting. I love my friends but, honestly, it’s just kind of a pain to go out at night and deal with a headache and exhaustion the next day plus kids. Fortunately, they are fine meeting up for lunch or doing bbqs in the afternoon/early evening.

[Anonymous]

I was the first among my friends to have a kid. Two of my child-free girlfriends that I had known for years would come over on weekends and hang out with me at home.

Several times, these two angels came and asked DH and I to go and take a nap, while they played with my little one, fed him. changed him, did my laundry, did the dishes and cleaned up the house. Between the two of them, they would polish off couple bottles of wine and they did not judge our messy home or our unkempt clothes.

[Anonymous]

Dinner/bath/bed is the most frenetic time in the house. Kids are tired and emotional, we're tired etc. My husband is super involved but it's a lot for one person. When they were really little I would try to make plans with friends at 8 PM. This way I could help get them into bed and then head out. Home by 10 unless it was a special occasion. Not a long night but enough to see friends for dinner. Did I feel like going out then? Absolutely not, but I did it to keep my friendships alive and I never regretted it.

At 6 and 4 it's a bit easier now to get out earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They just don’t want to for whatever reason. Why do you need those hours vs the daytime hours offered?

Because daytime hours are work hours for most people.

NP. On weekends? I’m up for Sunday brunch, not Friday evening dinner. I just prefer to be home in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some friends are worth evening visits. Some aren’t. Some plans are worth, it, some aren’t. I am an introvert who prefers being home in the evenings and going to bed early. It has nothing to do with my husband’s parenting skills or me not being able to be away with my kids.

I have a very social group at work, and we have long lunches and one-drink-at-4 bar trips and that’s enough for me. But I will make plans with friends in the evenings on occasion. I go on girls trips sometimes. But I like early bedtimes, TBH.

"Worth" evening visits? Oh, yeeesh.

Yeah. I’m closer to some people than others. I enjoy some people more than others. There are some people I would go out of my way for, and some not so much.

[Anonymous]

I never once met my friends after work. My DH could not comprehend how I leave my family when it's family time. I was able to meet them for lunch when he was at work and the child was in school.
I also didn't really want to go out at nights.

[Anonymous]

I’m way too tired for evening commitments if I have a job plus kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the PP who said they prefer brunch. Brunch is leisurely, we can do real catching up, and I like breakfast food.

I don't drink anywhere near as much as I used to, and evening outings usually center around drinking.

I prefer restaurants/cafes to bars.

The evening routine with my family isn't stifling to me. I thrive on routine as much as my child does and it's a great way to wind down after long work days.

In other words, really, these particular friends have different personalities/priorities. Either meet halfway or let them reach out when they feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For me - if I’m already away from my kids for work, it’s hard to take even more time away otherwise.

I get that -- but once every few weeks?

I’m not sure how old your friends’ kids are. Of course it got easier as my kids got older. This is the infant & toddlers board, and yes, it was hard for me then. If they work and then are gone 6-10 they’re giving up most of their time with their child that day.

If your infant or toddler is up at 8 pm,. other than for a brief wake, feed and change, you should rethink your schedule.

[Anonymous]

Putting an infant and toddler to bed is not easy. I don’t want to do it by myself, and I don’t like to force my husband to do it by himself. It’s a lot of hassle for a friend date that can happen at so many other times - brunch, happy hour, early dinner, etc etc.

Plus agree with others I’m fried at the end of the day and just want to stretch, shower, watch TV. Going out with a friend on a weekday evening just does not recharge my batteries.

[Anonymous]

For me it’s because I have two bad sleepers. On any given night I probably got 4-5 non-consecutive hours of sleep max, even with my husband taking half the over night wake ups. So I’m already exhausted by 9:30 and if I were to go out instead of going to bed I’d want to end myself the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me it’s because I have two bad sleepers. On any given night I probably got 4-5 non-consecutive hours of sleep max, even with my husband taking half the over night wake ups. So I’m already exhausted by 9:30 and if I were to go out instead of going to bed I’d want to end myself the next day.

I should add though, I desperately *want* to see my friends and I hope they are understanding. I’m trying my best to make time to see them and really hoping that they’ll still be around for me once my kids are older and I get enough sleep to function again.