Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

For me, my infant doesn't take a bottle and my husband has severe depression.

I would give just about anything to be able to have an evening out, but I just can't right now. My childless best friend if 35 years just doesn't understand and it makes me feel horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

You don’t understand how you got so very lucky. Even with strict routines not all children are as amenable to parental intention. Truly happy for you, but you have no idea what each family has had in place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yes, exactly! My kids *are* good sleepers, but I'm the one who posted that our bedtime routine was sheer hell until recently. Ninety-nine percent of the time, everything is fine until morning once they're IN bed. It was GETTING in bed that was the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yeah, no one said otherwise. The point is YOUR SPOUSE does the wrangling while you enjoy a well-deserved night out. If one parent can’t handle bedtime, you either have kids with behavioral problems, or at least one completely inept parent. Again: resources abound, fix it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yeah, no one said otherwise. The point is YOUR SPOUSE does the wrangling while you enjoy a well-deserved night out. If one parent can’t handle bedtime, you either have kids with behavioral problems, or at least one completely inept parent. Again: resources abound, fix it.

Please never give a new mom advice again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For me, my infant doesn't take a bottle and my husband has severe depression.

I would give just about anything to be able to have an evening out, but I just can't right now. My childless best friend if 35 years just doesn't understand and it makes me feel horrible.

Is the best friend local, PP? They should be coming to visit you for coffee, drinks, dinner, whatever. They provide the flexibility, you provide the space. Win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yeah, no one said otherwise. The point is YOUR SPOUSE does the wrangling while you enjoy a well-deserved night out. If one parent can’t handle bedtime, you either have kids with behavioral problems, or at least one completely inept parent. Again: resources abound, fix it.

Please never give a new mom advice again.

Hey, if head in the sand works for you…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yeah, no one said otherwise. The point is YOUR SPOUSE does the wrangling while you enjoy a well-deserved night out. If one parent can’t handle bedtime, you either have kids with behavioral problems, or at least one completely inept parent. Again: resources abound, fix it.

Please never give a new mom advice again.

Hey, if head in the sand works for you…

Compassion and empathy serve me pretty well. Sometimes less direction, more listening is what’s needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's too much of a PIA. Literally it's such a rat race at night - feeding the kids, walking the dog, making lunches for the next day, groceries, you name it. I'll go out once a month, but literally I could every week and still not go to every even I'm invited to. Plus, I enjoy my family.

subtext: you obviously dont

No subtext. The PIA is in reference to going out at night during the week.

I'd rather be relaxing at home after putting the kids down than at a bar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

We put so much pressure on women; you’ve got to have the impressive job, have the well behaved kids, have the amazing marriage and sex life, have the big group of girlfriends you go out with. If you can’t do it all we say you aren’t prioritizing your needs and are failing. Maybe we could give women some grace so we can admit we are tired. It was a long day at work, the kids aren’t sleeping well, marriage has been challenging lately, maybe we are too drained from the day to meet up for dinner. All of this pressure to do womanhood “right’ in the modern era is so unfair to women and I think it is a good idea to practice some empathy.

+1

[Anonymous]

My husband worked until 9:30 pm when my kids were that age. We eventually got an au pair and I could go out. Not everyone works 9-5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is putting kids to bed sooo stressful? Really. "Go to bed".

You must be trolling, or you have very compliant--or older--kids.

NP. My kids have gone to bed well and STTN in their own room since 7 months for youngest, 9 months for oldest. We have a routine, we stick to the routine, and they go to bed nicely and stay in bed. Regardless of whether both parents, one parent or a babysitter or grandparent is doing the routine. So…yeah. If bedtime is a major problem, fix it. There are many guides and resources for parents who need help in this area.

I mean, mine do this too but bedtime isn’t “go to bed.” It still involves a fair amount of wrangling - bath, into pajamas, books, etc. If you have an infant and a toddler, or two toddlers, you aren’t saying “go to bed” and heading out the door.

Yeah, no one said otherwise. The point is YOUR SPOUSE does the wrangling while you enjoy a well-deserved night out. If one parent can’t handle bedtime, you either have kids with behavioral problems, or at least one completely inept parent. Again: resources abound, fix it.

Please never give a new mom advice again.

Hey, if head in the sand works for you…

Compassion and empathy serve me pretty well. Sometimes less direction, more listening is what’s needed.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was probably one of those women. You're right that it was hard for my DH to put them to bed without me. You can try and unpack why it was -- perhaps my DH could have been more helpful -- but like many things, there were many factors involved -- nursing to sleep (initially) led to a mommy preference. And kids like routines, they don't like changes in the routine. Could we have made an effort to get them to like Daddy putting to bed too? Sure, but we're both tired at the end of the day and changing up the routine (when one routine worked well) was just not the priority list, just so I could go out a couple times a month.

Also I was just spent at the end of the workday, so a weekday dinner or drinks date really wasn't that appealing.

My kids are much older now so I don't have a dog in this fight. Now I leave whenever I feel like it. You should realize that the time that this is a problem is short, and as long as your friends are willing to get together other times, it's really not worth making a big deal out of it. Otherwise, you're just being smug that you have an easy home routine.

We put so much pressure on women; you’ve got to have the impressive job, have the well behaved kids, have the amazing marriage and sex life, have the big group of girlfriends you go out with. If you can’t do it all we say you aren’t prioritizing your needs and are failing. Maybe we could give women some grace so we can admit we are tired. It was a long day at work, the kids aren’t sleeping well, marriage has been challenging lately, maybe we are too drained from the day to meet up for dinner. All of this pressure to do womanhood “right’ in the modern era is so unfair to women and I think it is a good idea to practice some empathy.

+1

+2

And this pressure fosters competition between women, too, which is useless.