Friends who cannot seem to get away - what gives?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:For those of you turning down invitations to go out at night, consider that if you keep saying no people will stop inviting you. Consider whether you want to maintain the friendship. If you do, try to say yes sometimes. Also keep in mind that as your kids enter elementary they will start having activities that make getting together on weekends very difficult. If you want to see certain friends a Thursday night dinner may be your only option.

I can’t relate at all to people who don’t ever want to go out. This board seems to skew toward homebody/introvert types. I am not out partying every night but a couple times per month is a great way to stay connected with friends. And I have to laugh at the posters saying it’s not fair to their husband to leave them alone with a couple kids. What do you think single parents or military spouses do? Some parents make bedtime out to be some crazy complicated process that requires two people. It really doesn’t when it comes down to it. You are making it that way.

NP. LOL, thanks for the advice.

Here’s something for you to consider: Just because I’m turning down invites *from you* doesn’t mean I’m turning down all the invites. It also doesn’t mean that I’m not inviting other friends to do things. Do you get it? You’re the one I’m willing to see every now and then for a coffee.

I’m not the one who organizes the dinners. I get invited to them and I try to say yes when I can so I can stay connected to those friends. No need to make it about me. I’m not the OP and I don’t have friends who tell me no because I am basically my other friends are more the organizing types. But I see that the moms who say no all the time stop getting included because after a while everyone just expects them to say no.

And no I don’t place my friends in a hierarchy like you describe. That is weird.

I mean...great for you. Why do you assume that the moms who stop getting invited give a flip?

There are tons of posts on DCUM about being lonely, having no friends, asking how to make friends as adults...seems a lot of people DO want friends and WOULD care about not being invited out anymore. But to have a friend you need to be a friend. You can't ignore someone for two (three, four) years, then turn around and be like, "now I'm ready to be friends again!"

…who said I would? I keep in touch and go out with high-priority friends. You are B Team. Take the hint.

I wonder what compels someone to write such a post beyond being deeply sad and insecure. Who ranks friends on a "B Team"? Is this seventh grade? Grow up.

At least I’m honest. Can you be honest? How many people were invited to your wedding? Weren’t there at least a handful of friends and a few couples, likely also a few colleagues with whom you are friends, that you just couldn’t invite? That’s your B Team.

I’m sorry you can’t handle some simple shorthand for, “Friends I like and enjoy spending time with when I can, but who aren’t the very closest friends that I move mountains for.”

Why are you making assumptions about other people's social lives? Move along.

PP, it's pretty normal for people to have very close friends and more casual friends. Don't know why you're so offended by this notion.

Sure. What's offensive is your juvenile "take the hint" and "B Team" language that's straight out of 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

You seem very invested in this back-and-forth. I'm adding an emoji to spice up the dialogue

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

Can you read?

Yes, can you? I bolded the important parts to help you follow along!

Yes, I have had an infant and toddler. I know what it is like to juggle these ages at home. Whether they're currently infants or not is moot as heck.

[Anonymous]

OP it’s possible that they do go out in the evening, but that they don’t prefer to socialize with you in the evening as often as you like. What I mean is, say someone socializes twice per month in the evening, but has eight friends/family members who want to socialize at night, plus the occasional couples or work event, and it’s only going to be your “turn” every six months or so. You’ll feel neglected in a way that someone who can also occasionally meet for a daytime lunch, when they have more availability, won’t.

Remember as well it’s likely more polite for them to say to you “oh the baby! Sorry!” Rather than “sorry I’m going out with someone else on Thursday so don’t have time this week”

[Anonymous]

Monitoring and speculating about one’s friends must be so exhausting. Imagine tying yourself into knots because someone doesn’t want to go out to dinner with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Monitoring and speculating about one’s friends must be so exhausting. Imagine tying yourself into knots because someone doesn’t want to go out to dinner with you.

Who's tying themselves into knots? Posting on this forum is about as easy and low-stress as it gets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s possible that they do go out in the evening, but that they don’t prefer to socialize with you in the evening as often as you like. What I mean is, say someone socializes twice per month in the evening, but has eight friends/family members who want to socialize at night, plus the occasional couples or work event, and it’s only going to be your “turn” every six months or so. You’ll feel neglected in a way that someone who can also occasionally meet for a daytime lunch, when they have more availability, won’t.

Remember as well it’s likely more polite for them to say to you “oh the baby! Sorry!” Rather than “sorry I’m going out with someone else on Thursday so don’t have time this week”

This, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s possible that they do go out in the evening, but that they don’t prefer to socialize with you in the evening as often as you like. What I mean is, say someone socializes twice per month in the evening, but has eight friends/family members who want to socialize at night, plus the occasional couples or work event, and it’s only going to be your “turn” every six months or so. You’ll feel neglected in a way that someone who can also occasionally meet for a daytime lunch, when they have more availability, won’t.

Remember as well it’s likely more polite for them to say to you “oh the baby! Sorry!” Rather than “sorry I’m going out with someone else on Thursday so don’t have time this week”

This, too.

Why use your baby as an excuse to make up a lie? Weird!!

[Anonymous]

For me, it is the only time I get to spend with DH

[Anonymous]

I was this friend. I was struggling with post-partum anxiety. It was exhausting and no one tried to help me. If you want to meet up with your friend, offer to come over and bring takeout and wine after kid bedtime. I spend time with my friends folding laundry or drinking a glass of wine in the basement or porch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP it’s possible that they do go out in the evening, but that they don’t prefer to socialize with you in the evening as often as you like. What I mean is, say someone socializes twice per month in the evening, but has eight friends/family members who want to socialize at night, plus the occasional couples or work event, and it’s only going to be your “turn” every six months or so. You’ll feel neglected in a way that someone who can also occasionally meet for a daytime lunch, when they have more availability, won’t.

Remember as well it’s likely more polite for them to say to you “oh the baby! Sorry!” Rather than “sorry I’m going out with someone else on Thursday so don’t have time this week”

This, too.

Why use your baby as an excuse to make up a lie? Weird!!

Well, it’s not a lie, just not the whole truth. They are staying in with their baby. They just are going out on other evenings which is why they’re not available when OP wants to see them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

I currently have a 3yo and a 1yo. This thread has reminded me to try to make an effort to get out even when it's exhausting. But I do think it might be hard for OP to understand what bedtime looks like when you have two really little ones, given the roughly 5 year age gap between a K and 5th grader. My DH could definitely handle one night, but there's no way I would make it a regular thing. It's all hands on deck here with dinner, bath, and bedtime - especially now that the 1yo is walking (with terrible balance) and the 3yo is testing every boundary, and they both go to sleep at the same time. 6-8pm is really spoken for, and since the younger one often wakes before 6am - I want to be in bed by 9:30 and I'm tired. But yes, I can go out after that and should push myself to do it more often. But it is way easier for me to escape during the day right now. And if my friends can't give me some grace in this season, then that will just be what it will be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Monitoring and speculating about one’s friends must be so exhausting. Imagine tying yourself into knots because someone doesn’t want to go out to dinner with you.

Who's tying themselves into knots? Posting on this forum is about as easy and low-stress as it gets.

LOL, as evidenced by, what, this thread? People seem pretty darn pressed and stressed about choices other people make to stay home when they feel like it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Curious OP do you have an infant/toddler at home?

I do! My DH takes charge if i go out to meet friends.

How many kids do you have and what age?

Currently have a K and 5th-grader, but this was always the case even when they were infants-toddlers.

NP. So…you *don’t* have an infant or toddler.

I currently have a 3yo and a 1yo. This thread has reminded me to try to make an effort to get out even when it's exhausting. But I do think it might be hard for OP to understand what bedtime looks like when you have two really little ones, given the roughly 5 year age gap between a K and 5th grader. My DH could definitely handle one night, but there's no way I would make it a regular thing. It's all hands on deck here with dinner, bath, and bedtime - especially now that the 1yo is walking (with terrible balance) and the 3yo is testing every boundary, and they both go to sleep at the same time. 6-8pm is really spoken for, and since the younger one often wakes before 6am - I want to be in bed by 9:30 and I'm tired. But yes, I can go out after that and should push myself to do it more often. But it is way easier for me to escape during the day right now. And if my friends can't give me some grace in this season, then that will just be what it will be.

Totally agree. I have a 3.5 yr old and 5 month old and bedtime is just really all hands on deck right now for both of us. I wonder if the larger age gap may have been helpful in making things a little more manageable during those first couple years with two. I had zero issue heading out in the evening when we just had my 3 year old but he is just pushing bedtime boundaries so much at this age and then combine that with an infant and either of us being alone just sucks. It happens, but we’d rather go out after bedtime or during the day during this season most of the time.